Yo, Tech Answer Guy,
I recently used my Home Food PrinterTM to make pizza for my family. It looked like a gooey, steaming piece of heaven, but, when I tried to cut it into slices, nothing happened. My table knife didn’t work, so I tried a carving knife. Still nothing. So, I tried the superspecial really sharp and scary carving knife that we keep locked away and only use for Friday the 13th, Part VI reenactments. Yet more nothing. Finally, out of desperation, I tried to cut the pizza with a blowtorch. When the smoke cleared, I found the kitchen table had been all but cut in two, but the pizza wasn’t even singed.
So, we ended up ordering a pizza from Sal’s Down the Street Pizzeria and Pro Shop. Ironically, they use Home Food PrinterTMs to make their pies. Unfortunately, these days a family of four can’t eat irony, so I forked out the (figurative) dough.
Should I be using the pizza I made as a hubcap for my car?
Sincerely,
Ethel from Bethlehem
Yo, Ethie,
Naaah. How would you attach it?
The Tech Answer Guy
Yo, Tech Answer Guy,
I’m just a regular guy with no financial interest whatsoever in the 3-D food printing industry. I was just minding my own business, like regular guys with no financial interest in the 3-D food printing industry do, when I came across Ethel from Bethlehem’s letter to you, and, like any regular guy with no financial interest whatsoever in the 3-D food printing industry, I felt I had to respond.
I think it would be good to remind your readers that these are still the early days of 3-D food printing technology (Tuesdays, shading into early Wednesday mornings). Thus, while we have come a long way since the days of testing printed food on lab mice and NASCAR fans, we still have a long way to go.
Or…so I’ve heard.
If Ethel had trouble with her Home Food PrinterTM, it may have been because she didn’t mix the right ingredients. Biotech food engineers have told me – umm, that would be the biotech food engineers who, err, live next door to me and sometimes knock on my door asking to borrow a cup of pions because, of course, as a regular guy with no financial interest whatsoever in the 3-D food printing industry, I don’t know any biotech food engineers professionally) that the recipe for pizza calls for two tablespoons of vulcanized rubber. Anything more than that and, well, you’d need a laser to cut through the result! And, it would get stuck between your teeth and really mess up your gums!
Oh, and, while I’m here, I’d just like to mention that *NEW for the holidays!* MultiNatCorp is releasing a Home Gourmet Food PrinterTM that will give busy homemakers the ability to make fondue, escargot, French Toast and other culinary delicacies! Of course, you could do that with your old food printer, but the Home Gourmet Food PrinterTM comes in a variety of designer colours and has an extra arm that will surely be given a useful function some day!
I may be just a regular guy with no financial interest whatsoever in the 3-D food printing industry, but even I know a great product when I see one!
Sincerely,
Ned Feeblish from Flatbush
Yo, Neddie,
I spoke to Phil, the mechanic from the shop down the street, who told me that it is possible to use a pizza you made with a Home Food PrinterTM as a hubcap. Apparently, this involves the use of quantum lugnuts, which don’t so much affix the pizza to your tire as promote the idea of affixing the pizza to your tire. The beauty part of this? You can use your Home Food PrinterTM to make quantum lugnuts! I know, right? How convenient is that? Just add an extra cupful of WD-40 to the recipe for beignets, and you’re ready to roll!
Please pardon my glib response to Ethel’s question.
About all that other stuff you wrote? You know, for just a regular guy with no financial interest whatsoever in the 3-D food printing industry, you sure sound a lot like a Vice President in Charge of Promotional Cogs and Hot Dogs. So, I just ignored it.
The Tech Answer Guy
If you are a dude with a question about the latest technology, ask The Tech Answer Guy by sending it to questions@lespagesauxfolles.ca. Just remember: The Tech Answer Guy knows how to do a Google search, you know. And, he doesn’t just use it to find Ventrosian Squiggle porn and Bundt cake recipes!