Yo, Tech Answer Guy,
I’ve been fighting crime in Cityville for almost five decades now; I am proud of the fact that it has only been destroyed by evil villains, aliens and mutated lobsters – those crazed crustaceans! – 27 times (and, of course, rebuilt 23 times). It’s a good life, writing restaurant reviews for the common man by day, saving the city from food-based supervillains by night. I do have a problem, though: after all this time, I’m worried that my love interest, Linda Ling, is beginning to suspect my true identity.
For instance, there was that time 12 years ago when Linda Ling caught me in the broom closet of The Daily Orb, where we both work, half-changed into my Slob Suit. Thinking quickly, I explained that I was trying on something for Halloween. Linda Ling seemed to accept this, even though it was the middle of June. And, it would have made more sense for me to try the costume on in the privacy of my own home. She even commented: “Wow. That costume makes you look more like Middle Aged Fat Slob Man than the Jiggling Jerk of Justice himself!”
For how long can I count on my love interest’s gullibility to keep my identity secret? For? How? Long?
Then, a mere four years ago, Linda Lin caught me conjuring a Greased Lightning bolt in the men’s bathroom in the middle of a fight with Eelectro. I told her it was just a burger from the greasy hamburger joint down the street, and, fortunately, Eelectro played along. He can be okay for a bank-robbing electrophorus electricus. It didn’t stop Middle Aged Fat Slob Man from making sushi maki out of him, but Dick Deckard did say some nice things at his sentencing hearing.
Linda Ling is so sweet, so gentle, I don’t know if she would understand the rough and tumble world of slobbery superheroing in which I am inextricably entwined. Still, after almost 50 years, isn’t it time I revealed my secret identity to the woman I truly love interest?
Sincerely,
Dick Deckard (aka: Middle Aged Fat Slob Man) from Cityville
Yo, Dicky Decky,
You’re my hero! No, seriously, I’ve been a fan ever since I read Strange Culinary Tales, issue 37! At first, I just liked the way you smothered villains with your gargantuan girth of righteousness. When I got a little older, I was able to appreciate the details that went into your adventures, like the way the Slobmobile ran on used fryer sludge, which anticipated the recycling ethos of the environmental movement.
Okay. Ahem. </fanboy gush> The answer to your question is: no. Under no circumstances should you reveal your secret identity to Linda Ling.
Do you remember what happened to Betty Buchanan when Jerzy Dundas admitted to her that he was Unintentional Man? The Crimson Angst discovered the truth because he was monitoring UM’s email, and, in a heart-wrenching two issue storyline, he used the Scintillation Stone of Smertch to send her to another universe. Would you want to be separated from Linda Ling forever? (Or, at least until a new writer was brought onto the series and made up a way to get her back to your universe? Think carefully before you answer: they never come back quite the same way they left, do they?)
Then, there was the time Franklin Hasbro told Amanda Armada that he was really The Brass Bass. Admittedly, she had thought there was something fishy about him for years. Unfortunately, her mind was being controlled at the time by The Angler, who made her volunteer for the Interdimensional Space Corps’ first one-way journey to Alpha Centauri. Hasbro has never recovered from the heartbreak.
No, my friend, you should not reveal your secret identity to your love interest. These things never end well. It pains me to say it, but if you really love Linda Ling (and, you have shown over and over again that you do – The Tech Answer Guy always tears up when he thinks of the Middle Aged Fat Slob Man – Year One storyline), the best thing you can do is keep doing what you’ve been doing for almost 50 years: baldly and repeatedly lie to her face about who you really are.
The Tech Answer Guy
If you are a dude with a question about the latest technology, ask The Tech Answer Guy by sending it to questions@lespagesauxfolles.ca. Just remember: Augmented reality? What’s the big whup? We’ve had breast implants for over 50 years!