Yo, Tech Answer Guy,
The other night, my girl Ethel Redd the Chased and I were driving around in my dad’s 2016 Google Edsel. (My dad has a nose for bad deals – that’s how we ended up living in a split-level house on Toxic Dumpways Street in the Triumphant Eco-disaster Manor.) Things were getting a little frisky – I nearly ran over a jaywalking unicorn – I swear, the adorable bastards think the rules of the road don’t apply to them! – when we decided to find a secluded spot where we could have our fun without endangering any mythological creatures.
Lovers Lane – secluded haven for dozens of horny teenage couples every night.
So, I told the car’s GPS where we wanted to go. The car, which had been designed to drive itself, seemed to be taking us there, too. Down Atomic Wasteways Avenue for five blocks. Right on Carbon Emissionsways Street. Continue two kilometres, then left on Polluted Waterwaysways Avenue. We were almost there, when the car suddenly swerved onto Melting Icecapsways Street and drove us right into the parking lot of the local church, Our Lady of Perpetual Snoring, where the engine turned itself off.
As you can imagine, that killed the mood deader than disco…whatever that was.
A lot less enthusiastically, we agreed to try again, so I started the car and told the GPS to take us to Lover’s Lane. This time, it veered off at the last minute and drove us to Mount Yenta Synagogue. And, we’re not even Jewish. This confused us more than anything, but since we were already pretty discouraged, Ethel and I decided to forego the awkward groping in the dark and grab a bite to eat.
I turned the car on – again! – and told the GPS we wanted to go to Sal’s Deep Dish Back Baconaria. We headed in the right direction, but, at the last minute, the car turned onto Litterways Roundabout and drove us to Monique’s Authentic…ish Vegetarian Goulash Parlour. We agreed that the goulash was ghoulish, so we tried to go to Sal’s (famous for the portraits of Jewish sports stars that adorned its walls – well, one of its walls – part of one of its walls – okay, a small part of one of its walls in a dark corner in the back) again, but this time the car drove Ethel home and refused to start until she got out.
Okay, this wasn’t the worst date I’ve ever been on (I’ll tell that story some day…some day…), but it’s gotta rank high up there. What the heck happened? Is it possible that my car is possessed?
Sincerely,
Paul from Pulmonary Edemaville
Yo, Paulson,
Your car isn’t possessed – it has been programmed. Which, I suppose, amounts to the same thing if you aren’t a coder yourself – damn Arthur C. Clarke for being so technologically aware!
You know how parents can programme their televisions to block their children from watching certain programmes? Well, they can now block self-driving cars from taking their children to certain destinations! They do this with a third party application called Safer Parenting Through Rigid Vehicular Control. (The programme was created by an American, of course – The Tech Answer Guy has always said that you should never trust a country that allows third parties in software design but not in its political design.)
I know what you’re thinking – don’t worry, I’ve heard all of those words before. Also, you want to know if there is a way to get around SPTRVC. I sympathize, really, I do: The Tech Answer Guy never trusts an acronym that doesn’t at least make an effort to contain a vowel, however forced. But, I’m afraid you only have two options, and neither of them is very appealing.
There are programmes available on the Internet that allow teenagers to bypass car parental controls. They go by such names as “Fuzzy Slippers,” “Ted’s Original Orange Knee-jerk Soda” and “The Nothing At All To Do With Bypassing Car Parental Controls Programme” to fool concerned parents. The problem is that if your parents put control software on their car, they likely put it on your computer, too; if you search for this software, you could be limited to watching reruns of Hannah Montana for the rest of your life.
If you have the money, you could do what teenagers have done since the time of the dinosaurs: buy your own pre-loved-and-run-into-the-ground car. You’d have to keep it in a mall parking lot or somewhere else where your parents wouldn’t know about it lest you be grounded with Hannah for possibly all eternity. But, look at it this way: if you succeed, you’ll be displaying just the kind of ingenuity that is going to make it possible for you to become the kind of entrepreneur who can afford the home you’ll be putting your parents in at the end of their lives. That’s gotta be worth a snog or two!
The Tech Answer Guy
If you are a dude with a question about the latest technology, ask The Tech Answer Guy by sending it to questions@lespagesauxfolles.ca. Just remember: There was never a time in human history when it didn’t suck to be a teenager in love. If you don’t believe me, just look at the Lascaux cave paintings.