Yo, Tech Answer Guy,
If you were ever on the GoPoGoComics, you probably encountered a user named kissmypolarbeareatingass. On politicool.com, he was American1237Patriot. On the Assaulted Women’s Support Network he posted as ANGELOD33TH33. In the course of his life, George Blount went by many names.
To me, he was just…a lot of things I wouldn’t want to say in public. That’s the problem.
Like many successful men, my dad wanted his oldest son to take over the family business when he died. Since he only had daughters, this meant I, as the oldest, had to dress in boys’ clothes and be called “Butchie” at home. While this would be enough to scar most children for life, the family business made it much, much worse. Like, being a yak herder in Pompeii worse.
You see, dad wanted me to take over his job as an Internet troll. I wanted to become a lumberjack. We agreed that I would become a pot dealer as soon as selling the drug became legal; neither of us was satisfied with this compromise, but at least I would be doing something vital to the community.
I tried, really, I did, but I never had dad’s talent for mindless invective. There was this one time, I responded to somebody who said that Republicans should support President Obama’s mandatory insurance health care policy since they had originally proposed it by pointing out that most Republicans were senile old farts who couldn’t remember what they had for breakfast an hour earlier, let alone a policy they had believed in years earlier. Apparently, this was wrong. So, my dad stepped in with a 10 screen rant about how the original poster was unpatriotic, unsanitary and quite likely unsane.
What can I say? Some people are born trolls, most of us have shame.
When my dad died, I fired up my axe and started collecting tourist brochures about British Columbia. Unfortunately, my family had other ideas. My Cousin Vinny (he’s Swedish – Vinny is short for Olaf) would say, “You think my brother was good at it when he first started? Naah! He was a panty-waisted sissy boy who actually knew how to structure an effective argument! Fortunately, experience made him irrational, and it will do the same for you if you just stick with it!” Then, my mother would add: “You’ll never be as mean as your father. Or, as careless with grammar…or spelling…or internal logic. But, somebody has to take over the family calling!”
The mixed message was clear: if I didn’t follow in my father’s jackboots, I would be letting everybody in the family down.
Oh, TAG, will I ever be able to follow my passion for cutting down nightmarishly tall trees, or will I be forced to be mean to strangers on social networks for the rest of my life?
Sincerely,
Regina from Regina
Yo, Reggie…lach,
Being the eldest son in a family is never easy. Especially if you are a girl.
Even after they die, fathers can haunt their sons. I’m not being metaphorical, here; metaphors are to the true male’s DNA as…seltzer water is to…to…exactly. Concrete images. No, I’m not saying metaphors are to the true male’s DNA as seltzer water is to concrete images – what does that even mean, anyway? I’m saying that men thrive on concrete images. When confronted with metaphors, real men often turn into goopy puddles of…liquidy stuff.
See?
No, I mean you start seeing ghostly images that could be your father, Don Knotts or Don Knotts playing your father in a touring company version of Annie Get Your Gums. He’ll be floating in mirrors, coming at you out of the fog or, most ominously, standing on the blue line at the Air Canada Centre indifferent to the thrashing the Leafs are getting around him. Sometimes, he’ll moan, “Why didn’t you want to be a prima ballerina like I was?” Sometimes, worse, the question will be projected on the scoreboard above center ice.
I find that copious amounts of rum milkshakes help deal with the situation – not that I speak from personal experience. If you’re lactose intolerant, you may just have to suck it up and become the Internet troll your father always wanted you to be. Look at it this way: you may be hated by millions of strangers, but at least you’ll be loved by the one imaginary voice in your head that matters.
The Tech Answer Guy
If you are a dude with a question about the latest technology, ask The Tech Answer Guy by sending it to questions@lespagesauxfolles.ca. Just remember: The one imaginary voice in your head is the only one that matters because – yes, I’m getting to tha – well, if you’ll give me a second to collect my thoughts, I’ll be able to – no, I’m not trying to avoid the issue! In fact, I was just about to – oh, for goodness’ – IT WILL DRIVE YOU CRAZY IF YOU DON’T DO EXACTLY WHAT IT SAYS!