Salaam, Biz Whiz:
I can’t help but wonder about the wisdom of allowing Elon Threelonemuskateers, the world’s richest man, to run an organization, the Department of Political Enfeeblement (DOPE), that will advise the president on how to downsize the government. Government service is all about looking out for the public good; couldn’t this conflict with Threelonemuskateers’ desire to increase his wealth?
The Biz Whiz:
The great thing about having no conscience is that you don’t care about the public good, so no matter what you do, you never have to worry about having a conflict of interest.
Salaam, Biz Whiz:
I find that oddly unreassuring. Perhaps an example might help. Elon Threelonemuskateers is the owner of a cryptocurrency called DopeCoin. (I’m sure the fact that his advisory group is named DOPE is a coincidence. I mean, I’m sure he didn’t become the world’s richest man by wasting his time giving organizations seemingly clever acronyms!) It is unclear how much Threelonemuskateers owns, but it could be in the billions of dollars.
The Securities Exchange Commission (SEC) has been monitoring the cryptocurrencies market and regulates it to ensure that consumers are not ripped off by cryptobros. So, naturally, one of DOPE’s first suggestions is to cut the heart, liver, spleen, lower intestines and a baby’s arm holding an apple out of the budget of the SEC, reducing it to a junior researcher and a secretary. DOPE wants the SEC to be so small its office could be a phone booth on K Street, but the joke is on them: there are no phone booths on K Street!
This is not only a conflict of interest for Threelonemuskateers, but it is also a conflict of interest for incoming President Ronald McDruhitmumpf, who has started his owned cryptocurrency, World Fascism Financial. Don’t you see this as a problem?
The Biz Whiz:
The only problem I see here is with you allowing common people making a living! What are you, some kind of Commie or something?
Salaam, Biz Whiz:
Ummm…no. I am not a communist, just a concerned citizen. And as it happens, I’m concerned about many things. Am I getting enough microplastics in my diet? Is that bastard Emilio Bastichebelliveau trying to get me fired so he can take my office? Why is the sea boiling hot and do pigs have wings?
One thing that concerns me is DOPE’s proposal to create a federal reserve of cryptocurrencies. As it stands now, cryptocurrencies are valued by a formula made up entirely of wishes and whimsy. (Seriously: w1 x w2 = $100,000,000,000!) They’re the tulips of the 21st century, except without the citrus-like scent: they aren’t worth the paper they’re not printed on!
The only people for whom cryptocurrencies have real value are criminals. They buy cryptocurrencies with dirty money, then sell it back to the seller (minus a stiff vig) for clean money. Phil the Pill, who supplies me with certain substances that should be legal but aren’t because of our corrupt legislative process, swears by cryptocurrencies!
Umm…anyway, the point is that a federal cryptocurrency reserve would buy trillions of dollars worth (so to speak) of the stuff from Threelonemuskateers, McDruhitmumpf and other politicians who own it. Then, when the cryptocrash inevitably happens, citizens would be on the hook for the worthless zeroes and ones on a computer somewhere.
How is this not a massive conflict of interest?
The Biz Whiz:
You sound like you think the bankrupting and ultimate destruction of the government of Vesampucceri is a bad thing. Won’t you be happy to finally be free of the chains of an oppressive system? Aren’t you looking forward to being able to drink raw milk until the bird flu it contains kills you?
Okay, bad example. But don’t you think the ability of citizens to roam the streets and lynch anybody they think may be an illegal, or be harbouring an illegal, or be thinking of harbouring an illegal, without having to worry about being arrested would be an advance for Vesampuccerian society? I suppose not if you’re Black…or brown…Muslim…or Jewish…
The point is: you can’t have freedom without some conflict. I welcome it. You should, too.
Salaam, Biz Whiz:
I find your answers to my questions…alarmingly supportive of Vesampucceri’s ultra-wealthy. It occurs to me that nobody knows your real name. Could it be that you, the Biz Whiz, are actually Elon Threelonemuskateers?
The Biz Whiz:
Don’t be ridiculous! Elon Threelonemuskateers didn’t become the world’s richest man by wasting his time giving suckers financial advice!
The economy is too important to be left to economists! If you have a work, financial or otherwise money-centric question, quiz the Biz Whiz at questions@lespagesauxfolles.ca. On the other hand, notice that I haven’t ruled out the possibility that the Biz Whiz is the other principle in the Department of Political Enfeeblement, Vivek Ramaswamammy…