Dear Amritsar,
I’m in love with the most beautiful Crullurean in the star system! Her green tentacles have a slimy sheen that nobody else’s in my brood den come close to! And, her eyestalks are demur, yet sensual. Oh, and her curves! All 27 of them! She is the perfect package!
One thing troubles me, though. As any typically healthy male would, I like to take photographs of my beloved Imelda the Improbable, to preserve the memory of her perfection against the ravages of time. And, to give me something to look at when I’m feeling splorngy and she’s not around. There’s nothing naughty about that – it’s just typical healthy male behaviour, right? Right?
Umm, anyway.
I’ve been noticing lately that, when I look at the photos I’ve taken, my gorgeous babe doesn’t seem so gorgeous. Or, babely. The sheen on her tentacles isn’t quite as slimy as it seems to be when we’re together. And, she has laugh lines around her eyestalks that I don’t notice when I’m actually looking into her actual eyes. In fact, in photographs, the love of my current life cycle seems uglier than when I’m actually with her. This leads to an obvious question.
Is there something wrong with my camera?
Xanxar the Indefensible
Hey, Babe,
There is a saying on Crulluria: It’s a poor tool who blames his craftsmen. This is generally spoken by members of the Royal Family unhappy about the work of the blacksmiths who shoe their fine Arabian Squid mounts, so it, ah, may have limited relevance to your situation. I mention it in the hope that, by showing you that I am familiar with your culture, we can bond, and you will take the response I am about to give to your question more seriously.
So. There may be many things wrong with your camera, but this is not one of them.
You seem to be suffering from a variation of the Lover’s Delusion. Famed technophobe and close personal friend of Amritsar Dr. Wolfgang once described the Lover’s Delusion as: “Yer sittin’ on yer couch all day and expect love ta just drop in yer lap – which, by the way, ain’t gettin’ any slimmer cuz of all the time yer spendin’ on the couch – if love ever does drop in your lap, at least it will have a big target ta aim for! Moanin’ about the sadness of yer sichuashun ain’t gonna get you the…the…WHAT THE HELL WAS THE QUESTION, AGAIN?”
As usual, Dr. Wolfgang’s response is so deep, you have to read between the lines to find any useful information in it. In this case, the answer is: the Lover’s Delusion is the tendency sentient beings who have the capacity to experience love have of smoothing out the rough edges of their partner, making them appear more attractive than they really are. (Some evidence exists that suggest that sentient species that do not have the capacity to feel love – Klingons, for example – have a “Hater’s Delusion” that roughens the soft edges around their life mates. More research is needed on this subject, but, inasmuch as these species tend not to cooperate with each other much less human social scientists, it may be a long time in coming.)
In some cases, it occurs when you lend your significant other a significantly other sum of money, convinced that he’ll pay it back really, really, really, really (that’s only four reallies, so it doesn’t pass the five reallies threshold) soon. In other cases, you convince yourself that your lover getting drunk and coming on to strange fremlacks in bars is “cute.” There are as many variations of the Lover’s Delusion as there are flies on a Crullurean dustbin. Not being Crullurean, I have no idea how many that is, but, for the sake of my metaphorical insight, I am hoping that it is a lot.
With the miniaturization of cameras resulting in their being placed in everything from cellphones to miniature souvenir statues of liberty to pats of butter, the Lover’s Delusion is increasingly affecting our visual sense of our partners. Imagine looking at photos of your lover’s intestinal tract because he swallowed the pat of butter that contained the camera – I defy any relationship to stay the same after that!
If you are taking your lover’s pictures using a cellphone, you should get the Lover’s Eye Sapp (Specialized Application). This programme approximates the Lover’s Delusion: it can smooth out the wrinkles around the eyestalks or fill out deflated curves. In short, by using the sapplication to tweak the parameters of the photographs you take, you can soften the images of your beau to make them more properly align with how you would like to see her.
Or, you could try to see your partner as she really is. But, I wouldn’t recommend it.
Send your relationship problems to the Alternate Reality News Service’s sex, love and technology columnist at questions@lespagesauxfolles.ca. Amritsar Al-Falloudjianapour is not a trained therapist, but she does know a lot of stuff. AMRITSAR SAYS: even if the frog isn’t a prince, he could be a…a doctor in a children’s hospital or a Pulitzer Prize winning novelist. Just to be on the safe side, don’t take any photos of him.