Dear Amritsar,
You know what would increase my holiday spirit, other than spiking the egg nog with clam chowder? Is there any technology for helping me deal with obnoxious family members at holiday dinners?
Babette Brewster
Hey, Babe,
Is there? Does Santa poop in Padua? (The answer, in case you don’t have access to his flight itinerary, is yes: he also makes stops for bathroom breaks in Inuvik, Sydney and Chichicastenango.) Here is a small sampling of the holiday season’s most useful cellphone apps:
Tired of hearing that toilet paper was softer and finishing the New York Times Jumble puzzle was harder when your grandfather was a wee spratling? Then, an app called I Don’t Wanna Hear It, Grandpa! (Plunkman and Progeny Coding, $2.99) is just for you. Enter the claim and the approximate date, and the app will find anywhere from four to a dozen things that were worse than today. Imagine the satisfaction you’ll get when you’re able to say, “Actually, gramps, golf may have been golfier when you were a kid, but 2,746 people died when the USS Tempting Fate hit an iceberg lettuce and sank without a trace!”
One of the…special joys of the holidays is having to endure questions from your mother about why you aren’t currently seeing anyone and when you think you could maybe you know settle down and get married and okay, okay, I know I’m being a little pushy but, really, a person could grow old waiting for grandchildren! Sound familiar? If so, you’ll want to get Yenta Relentah (Izikoff International Duckies, $3.99). This app creates a fictional boyfriend for you, complete with images, full personal history and credit rating! You’ll be the envy of your mother’s Mahjong group in no time!
Did you grow up with a sister who everybody thought was prettier than you were? If so, you might want to get the Full Facial Nudity app (Sibling Revelry, $1.99). It shortens your sister’s eyelashes, removes her lipstick, changes her hair to a mousy brown and gives her ugly glasses and earrings. If, after all this, she still looks better than you do, apply the Ugly Duckling extension (Green-eyed Monster, Inc., $0.99); this will puff up her face (no more perfect cheekbones!), thin her lips and give her bags around her eyes. Think of the pleasure you’ll get posting that image to your Farcebook page!
Trim the Twins (Ink Link for Linc, Inc., $5.99) is the perfect app to deal with bratty children at the holiday dinner table. Based on the book Battle Scenes of the 20th Century, it contains over 200 images of war carnage; although it was originally intended for history buffs, it can quell the enthusiasm of even the naughtiest children at 50 paces! Unless your family name is Adams, in which case an app that features images of adorable kittens should have the same effect.
Do you have an Uncle Kenny? You know the one we mean – the guy who is constantly telling everybody at the turkey table about how great his car/virtual reality rig/robot yacht/trophy wife/life is? Of course you do. Everybody has an Uncle Kenny (or Steve or Philboyd or Terr duc Ken). So, everybody could use the Silence is Golden app (Farrelly Brothers, $4.99). At any point in one of Uncle Kenny’s egomaniacal monologues, simply click on the Start button and SHOVE YOUR CELLPHONE DOWN HIS THROAT! Silence is Golden will beep when you have reached the perfect depth, the one where the flow of self-satisfaction stops but no permanent damage is done to your phone.
Merry Christmas! Happy Hanukkah! [INSERT APPROPRIATE ADJECTIVE HERE] Kwanzaa! And, for my atheist friends, enjoy making fun of and feeling superior to everybody else!
Dear Amritsar,
What if I can’t recognize anybody in
Babette Brewster
Hey, Babe…tte,
What if you can’t recognize anybody in your family in the apps I have described? Would you believe: THERE’S AN APP FOR THAT! Just type details of the relative you are having problems with into the Hell is Other People at Family Holiday Dinners app (Sommelier Sartre, $19.99), and it will search the thousands of family-related apps available on the Internet for just the one you need! It’s a little pricey, but, really, how can anybody put a price on holiday cheer?
Dear Amritsar,
You’re the best! Thanks!
Babette Brewster
Hey, Babe,
No need to thank me. It’s what I do.
Send your relationship problems to the Alternate Reality News Service’s sex, love and technology columnist at questions@lespagesauxfolles.ca. Amritsar Al-Falloudjianapour is not a trained therapist, but she does know a lot of stuff. AMRITSAR SAYS: if you look around the table and you’re the only one who isn’t furiously typing on their cellphone, the problem is you. To be safe, wear a bib…