Dear Amritsar,
We have been told that if we want to survive the coronavirus outbreak, we need to wash our hands and not touch ourselves. But, men touch themselves all of the time! Why is that?
Anodyne Annie Annum
Hey, Babe,
Men are gross.
Dear Amritsar,
Well, yeah, okay. Not gonna argue with that. But, touching themselves…there doesn’t necessarily cause them to catch a virus. Not the one that’s in all the papers right now, in any case. I meant: their faces. Why do men touch their faces all the time?
Anodyne Annie Annum
Hey, Babe,
I stand by my original answer.
Dear Amritsar,
And, it was a good one. Made a lot of sense. I do have to wonder, though, if there is a more specific reason men touch their faces all of the time despite the fact that it might kill them.
Anodyne Annie Annum
Hey, Babe,
Men don’t moisturize.
Dear Amritsar,
Hmm. Cryptic, with an undernote of cherry vanilla. Still, as the answer to a question, it is about as satisfying as a gluten-free Baba au Rhuily. Could you possibly elaborate?
Anodyne Annie Annum
Hey, Babe,
Sure.
When men get dry, flaky skin, they are fawned over for being ruggedly handsome. When women get dry, flaky skin, we are shunned and told that we should stop “letting ourselves go.” Cowboys can have dry, flaky skin. Fashion models can’t have dry, flaky skin. Race car drivers can have dry, flaky skin. Suburban housewives can’t have dry, flaky skin.
It’s a double standard so thick it could clog the arteries of everybody in a small Latin Vesampuccerian country.
According to a series of studies by the Poynter Sisters Institute, women moisturize and exfoliate (no, Tech Answer Guy, that’s not a reference to eight former players for the Foley Freighters AA battery baseball team – down boy! Down!) at a rate 27 times that of men. In one study, researchers collected the dust from 127 apartments inhabited by married couples and analyzed the DNA of the dead cells. They found that 83 per cent of the cells by volume had come from men.
What happens when your skin is dry and flaky? You tend to itch more. Over the years, you learn to rub and scratch the driest, flakiest patches without even thinking about it.
Men are beyond gross. They’re icky. Are you happy I answered your question now?
Dear Amritsar,
But…but…but…but…don’t they understand that touching their faces could kill them?
Anodyne Annie Annum
Hey, Babe,
It’s hard to overcome thousands of years of socialization just because of a little inconvenience like death.
Not that people aren’t trying. Erick von Deutchmeunster at the Liederhosen Institution in Osaka has proposed a return to glam rock as a way to combat COVID-19. In an article for The Journal of Comparative Religion and Eyeliner C, von Deutchmeunster wrote: “Everybody focuses on David Bowie’s Ziggy Stardust persona, but, for my money, Gary Glitter was the one great glam rocker. The hair. The makeup. The costumes. The way he could almost hit the notes he was reaching for – he had it all. Love and Rockets were a close second. I mean, Daniel Ash – ooooh! So, glam up and save your life!”
They, uhh, they might want to look at how their peer review process is functioning over there at The Journal of Comparative Religion and Eyeliner C. Yeah, they should really do that.
Dear Amritsar,
I touch my face all the time. I find it…soothing. And I’ve never been sick a day in my life. (Let’s not talk about the nights.) What’s the big whoop?
Peter Paul Parabellum
Hey, Babe,
Say you’re at a badminton club for your usual Thursday afternoon game against Mark Markey Malarkey. Further say that the person who had the racket before you sneezed all over it during a futile volley and covered the handle in the virus. When you play, the germy little bastards will get on your hand. If you wash your hands for at least 20 seconds (measuring two choruses of “Happy Birthday” or, if you can’t afford the royalties, three iterations of the chorus from “Ballroom Blitz”), you’ll be able to get rid of the virus. However, if you touch your face before you wash your hands, the aforementioned germy little bastards could enter your body through a small cut or a big mouth. Two weeks Later, you could find yourself coming down with a nasty case of death.
Whoops don’t get much bigger than that.
Send your relationship problems to the Alternate Reality News Service’s sex, love and technology columnist at questions@lespagesauxfolles.ca. Amritsar Al-Falloudjianapour is not a trained therapist, but she does know a lot of stuff. AMRITSAR SAYS: Remember all those people who laughed at those of us who used social media and dating apps to find potential life partners? Not laughing so loud, now, are you?