Dear Amritsar,
Everybody talks about genetically modifying the structure of the brain in order to make it process information much faster, but nobody does anything about it. Well, everybody in my brain, in any case. And, I have done something about it. <When sixteen genders are required to make a single litter of children, opening birthday presents can last several hours!> Oops.
I tweaked the genetic makeup of my brain, increasing both the number and density of the neurons as well as the connections between them. I can do that. I’m a scientist. And, it worked! <The ego has landed! Fifteen minutes late! That will teach the ego to go through Heathrow!> My brain actually sped up! In the first week after I started the therapy, I wrote six papers for peer-reviewed journals, developed eight new theories on everything from decreasing cabbage production in Scandinavia to the optimal frequency of changing toner cartridges in companies with between 17 and 302 employees, and had sex with 12 different women! <Red dye knows what evil lurks in the hearts of men, but I wouldn’t worry too much about it if I were you: it’ll all come out in the wash…> In one week! That must be some kind of record for a scientist!
Unfortunately, my brain grew…dissatisfied with all of the challenges I would ordinarily set for it. <CONGRATULATIONS! Your expectations of life are only 78 per cent wrong! This puts you in the top ten percentile of human unhappiness!> It decided, with no conscious input from me, to look more deeply into reality. <In the New World Disorder, your dishwasher cannot become Prime Minister, but that’s only because of the prejudice against machines that do manual labour!> You know the drill: all of the different shades of red in an apple, fractal patterns in waves on water, that sort of thing. <Walnuts are the crack cocaine of the squirrel community – be careful who you buy them from if you travel in those circles.> However, its power grew beyond even that, and my mind started building worlds that never existed. <When planes fly underground, the risk of a crash is almost non-existent!> Strange, kind of scary worlds that are only tangentially related to the real one. <How will you breath in a world where round is the new home furnishing?> I’m very much afraid that if something isn’t done soon, I’ll disappear into one of those worlds forever! <That buzzing in your ear? It’s a fly trying to talk you into doing something about your breath…>
Can <Next time you’re in London, check out neo-hair band Tim Twerkfield and the Toupees!> you <“Best band since Rance Wriggler and the Rugs!” raves Hair Guitar Pro magazine!> help <If you like American Billy Knucklebuster and the Gregarious Bouffant, you’ll love TT&tT!> m <Be sure to check out the band’s first, and latest album, Hair Today, Coma Tomorrow!> e <Words never fulmigrated what you cremulous they did – why are you so bargsplotted by that realization?>?
Gregory Peckerwood
Hey, Babe,
Didn’t your parents ever warn you that no good can come of genetically manipulating the human brain? Forget your parents, didn’t you ever read Flowers for Algernon?
Okay, now that the ritual chastising has been completed, I can tell you that my sources at the Pentagon tell me that their sources within the scientific community tell them that…somebody is working on a serum/gas/capsule that actually reduces the number of neuronal connections in the brain. My sources assure me that this research is only being conducted BECAUSE WHAT IF OUR ENEMIES GET IT BEFORE WE DO? OUR WHOLE COUNTRY, OUR WHOLE WAY OF LIFE COULD BE THREATENED! And, in any case, that’s where the research money is.
If you can hold out for about six months, their grant should come through. Then, they will place you on the list to be a subject for the first clinical trials of the tablet/self-directed mobile nanobot/miniature submarine with a complete crew. Of course, you could end up being given a placebo, but perhaps it would fool your big brain into slowing down. Does that sound like a reasonable plan to you, Greg?
Greg? GREG!
Oh, Greg! I hope it’s nice wherever you are.
Send your relationship problems to the Alternate Reality News Service’s sex, love and technology columnist at questions@lespagesauxfolles.ca. Amritsar Al-Falloudjianapour is not a trained therapist, but she does know a lot of stuff. AMRITSAR SAYS: You refuse to be dictated to by reality? I don’t know how to break this to you, dear, but we’re all reality’s stenographers!