Dear Amritsar,
The world knows him as Doctor Schmertzendoofer, the mad scientist who has repeatedly tried to take over the world, but I just know him as Phil. We’ve been friends since high school. We even dated a couple of times, but, honestly, he’s kind of funny looking and he only ever wanted to talk about death rays and giant robots. Hey – I’m as interested in death rays and giant robots as the next girl, but when that’s all you have to talk about, the conversation can feel…imbalanced.
For years, I’ve been telling Phil that I valued him as a friend, and I thought he was okay with that. I now suspect, though, that building a giant squid army to try and take over the world was his way of putting me out of his mind for a little while. I know that probably comes across as a little narcissistic, but, considering what he did last week, I think it’s justified.
Phil used lasers to carve my face into the moon. Under it, he carved a proposal for marriage.
Of course, I told him in no uncertain terms that that just wasn’t going to happen. After being grilled by the Secret Service for 72 hours, I mean. Some people take tampering with the solar system very seriously. Phil seemed to take the news well – I mean, yeah, sure, he threatened to destroy everybody I knew and all that I considered sacred, but, for Phil, that’s just Tuesday.
Now, everybody in the world hates me. Police hate me for setting a homicidal lunatic on a killing rampage. Astronomers hate me for causing the defacement of an astral body that took millennia to perfect. Stupid rock. Members of the We Love Homicidal Maniacs Web site, disappointed that their faces weren’t carved into the moon, have sent me threatening emails.
Is there anything I can do to make this all go away?
Emily Pootenderdriwallen
Hey, Babe,
I remember the giant squid army incident. Not evil mayhem’s finest moment.
Let me start by saying that Doctor Schmertzendoofer’s plot to drain the oceans of salt was not your fault. Unless you led him on when you were dating him, in which case you should burn in hell for your selfishness, bitch! You knew he was a mad scientist, would it have killed you to do a little French kissing in order to save the world? Really? Was letting him get to second base too much to ask to keep us all safe?
But, aah, you probably knew what you were doing, probably had a good sense of right and wrong when you were 14, so, uhh, let’s say Doctor Schmertzendoofer’s evil plans were not your fault and move on.
You could use a time machine to go back to your youth and keep yourself from dating Doctor Schmertzendoofer. Of course, since the only person you know who has time travel capabilities is likely the last person on Earth who will let you use them, this option is probably closed to you. Are you sure you don’t know any other mad scientists? Maybe on ChainLinked?
You might consider dating a superhero. This wouldn’t change the opinions of the hard-core haters (the harcoraters), but it would make you look good in the eyes of people who aren’t paying much attention. I understand The Golden Statuette is available since Lorna Labrador was turned into an origami quasar. You may not think that the ability to mimic the form of awards is such a great power, but I understand GS has the best celebrity gossip!
The Phantom Rearranger is rumoured to be on the outs with his lived in lover, Hardly Quinn; there may be an opportunity there for you to get some reputation rehabilitation. Hardly Quinn is a bit of a jealous psycho, though, so I would be on the lookout for scorpions in my tiramisu if you tried that.
If you’re really desperate, you could always volunteer for a one-way trip to Mars. Since bandwidth is severely limited, you wouldn’t have to deal with journalists demanding ambush interviews or Internet trolls. On the other hand, if any of the other crew members are Doctor Schmertzendoofer supporters, you may have to be wary of nitroglycerine being snuck into your recycled water.
Life is full of difficult choices.
Send your relationship problems to the Alternate Reality News Service’s sex, love and technology columnist at questions@lespagesauxfolles.ca. Amritsar Al-Falloudjianapour is not a trained therapist, but she does know a lot of stuff. AMRITSAR SAYS: Running away from your problems is never a good solution. However, if you’re heck bent on running away, Mars is far enough to get away from most problems (the exceptions being nuclear missiles, travel between dimensions and tax audits).