Dear Amritsar,
I was walking down the street, minding my own business, wondering if big American telecoms will ever get a fair shake in the small Canadian market, when I saw an advertisement for Duff’s Linear Accelerator. A naked woman and naked man were draped over the hardware, stroking it suggestively, while the copy said: “Let the mysteries of the particle physics seduce you.”
Really? Yuck!
The more I looked around, the more it seemed like sex was everywhere around me. A billboard for Canada’s Action Plan winked at me. I’m not sure how that’s even possible, considering that it didn’t feature any human faces. The more I looked at the spray of colour in the front window display of H. R. Paint ‘N’ Stuf, the more figures in various carnal positions suggested themselves to me. And, I’m from Windsor!
A couple in fashionable dishabille (the clothes they were almost wearing were by Gucci and Armani, among others) was making out on a bus stop bench. Three people were pawing each other in front of my favourite Tex-Lex restaurant – I…I don’t think I’ll ever be able to look a plate of deep-fried plum spare ribs in the eye again! There was a veritable orgy outside an Apple store, which was completely ridiculous considering the new tablet computer won’t be released for another three weeks!
I’m not a prude; at worst, my friends, family and radial orthodontist say I have “prudish tendencies.” Still. Is our society really as sexually depraved as it looks?
Viva Villanova
Hey, Babe,
Have you ever had the feeling that the world you see is not the world as it really is? You could just be having a psychotic break from reality. Or, you could be a victim of over-complicated technology.
It sounds like your Augmented Reality Spex (only $12.95 from the company that advertises in the backs of comic books) have been turned to the “Objects Projected Onto Retina May Appear Raunchier than in Real Life” setting. This is most definitely not, the company that advertises in the backs of comic books assures us, the factory preset; that is usually either “Tourist in my own City” or “Terminator,” depending upon the whim of the person in shipping who sends out the Augmented Reality Spex.
Changing the settings on your Augmented Reality Spex is simple enough. Plug the male end of the cable into the slot in the frame over the right lens. Plug the other male end of the cable into the SUB (named after the hardware designer’s favourite late night designing session snack) port on your computer. Click on > Windows Explorer then > Alfred E. Neuman then > Settings. A box will pop up asking, “Do you really want to mess about with the programme? Because, you know, our programmer, Yuri, really put a lot of effort into this. You really think that you know better than Yuri?” Click on “Yes, I want to break Yuri’s heart.” From the menu that pops up, choose > Settings Again then > Startup then > Golf Pro. A box will pop up that asks, “Golf pro? Really? What’s your handicap?” Any answer higher than four will open a Web browser with a Google search on Arnold Palmer, so enter a number less than four. Three is good. This will open a drop-down menu with a variety of augmented reality options, including “Literary Adventure,” “Historical Walkabout” and “Tutti Frutti.” If you want to know more about your choices, close all of this and in Help do a search on “fragmented rotary ice capades.” This will take you to a page that has descriptions of the various settings. Then, go through the whole rigmarole from the beginning.
Or, you could just send your Augmented Reality Spex back to the company that advertises in the backs of comic books and ask them to change the settings for you. Yes. That would probably be the easiest way to do this. And, it only costs $37.95.
Reports of over-sexed Augmented Reality Spex have increased in the last couple of years. The only connection between the cases seems to be that the people they happened to owned a calico cat and were wearing angora sweaters at the time of the incident. Nobody knows how these things are related. But, people who do not love cats have their suspicions. Boy, do they have serious suspicions…
Send your relationship problems to the Alternate Reality News Service’s sex, love and technology columnist at questions@lespagesauxfolles.ca. Amritsar Al-Falloudjianapour is not a trained therapist, but she does know a lot of stuff. AMRITSAR SAYS: if you don’t own a calico cat and/or an angora sweater, the problem may be with your augmented reality brain. Unfortunately, problems of that nature are beyond Amritsar’s area of expertise. Or, patience.