Dear Amritsar,
I am a three-time semi-finalist for the Pulitzer Prize for Best Moustache in a War Zone. My reporting on international affairs appears in the Alternate Reality News Service in 143 dimensions (and France). I was once hugged by Dame Priscilla Presley.
Despite my copious prestigiousness, my editrix recently asked me to write a story about a monkey with atomic powered prosthetic legs that, for some unknown reason, always seems to escape its owner en route to having amusing antics. Granted, when it puts on its elf ears and colourful waistcoat, it is adorable (in an aloof, we don’t like the world any more so we are going to retreat from it kind of way); still, the Service has any number of less prestigiously advanced writers who would be happy to accept this assignment. Well, less unhappy, in any case. Why me?
I think I know what’s going on, here. Management has subscribed to Zeitgeist Busters and Filigree, a service that synthesizes writing on more than half a million Web sites, social media apps and neighbourhood lampposts to find which of five million subjects are spiking in the public consciousness (like a bad fever, but without the owls running Parliament). ZBF told ARNS management that roaming monkeys would be popular in the next news cycle, so if we wanted to maximize eyeballs (not like Sauron, although that is always the first thing that I think of when somebody utters that phrase) we would have to get a story out on it right away.
News cycles (get into a frothy lather, rinse of nuance, repeat) are funny things. It seems to me that roaming monkeys have been the subject of four of the five last news cycles, knocked briefly off the front page by the invasion of the G’tar Shtryng of Anakronistes Four. (Which was unfortunate, because I really wanted to know if Earth managed to fight them off.) Because ZB&F’s algorithm is proprietary (literally: in favour of the commander of an army or an elected magistrate), we don’t know how they arrive at their suggestions; I suspect somebody in the company has an unusual fondness for upper primates.
Alas, alack and ala carte, adorable monkeys are to journalism what Tums are to Pink Floyd tribute bands: comfort food for intellectual anorexics. A journalist of my impeccable (I don’t let birds anywhere near it) prestigiosity should not be asked to write articles on monkeys!
Is there any way I can get out of this assignment?
Name Withheld Owing to a Vindictive Editrix Who is Too Quick to Don the Slapping Gloves, If You Know What We Mean
Hey, Babe,
Are you sure you want me to answer this question? Don’t you think it would be more advantageous for you to ask somebody with more business experience, like the Biz Whiz, or maybe your union rep?
Dear Amritsar,
You’ve been writing an advice column since 1947. This means that you are either: a) a bodiless head in a jar; b) a computer algorithm pretending to be a flesh and blood person, or; c) an ancient hag whose lifespan has been extended by unnatural means, scientific, necromantic or otherwise. Obviously, somebody who has been around that long must have accumulated wisdom on a wide variety of topics – I’m betting that this is one of them.
And, in any case, the Biz Whiz always reeks of cigarettes, even though he doesn’t actually smoke. That just weirds me out.
Name Withheld so as Not To Get on the Biz Whiz’ Bad Side Because Business Columnists are Notoriously Flaky and You Never Know When You’ll Need Business Advice
Hey, Babe,
Okay, then.
Having been stung by the slapping gloves once or twice in the past myself, I can understand your dilemma. On the other hand, having been stung by the slapping gloves two or three (or more, let’s be honest) times in the past, I’m not keen to repeat the experience. So, I would suggest that you swallow your pride and dance, monkey, dance.
And, thank you for the praise.
Send your relationship problems to the Alternate Reality News Service’s sex, love and technology columnist at questions@lespagesauxfolles.ca. Amritsar Al-Falloudjianapour is not a trained therapist, but she does know a lot of stuff. AMRITSAR SAYS: to be honest, the Biz Whiz probably would have given you the same advice. He knows which side his REIT is buttered on. If you really wanted an unexpected answer, you should have asked the Tech Answer Guy – he’s an animal!