Dear Amritsar,
A friend of mine retweeped a tweep that blames President McDruhitmumpf for the government shutdown. She’s obviously suffering from McDruhitmumpf Derangement Syndrome. Should I just unfollow her on Twitherd, or should I humiliate her utterly and completely before I unfollow her?
Political in Passaic
Hey, Babe,
The Vesampuccerian Psychiatric Association does not recognize McDruhitmumpf Derangement Syndrome as a, you know, thing. In the world. If you want to unfollow somebody on Twitherd, don’t blame it on some made up psychological condition; there’s nothing wrong with admitting that you don’t appreciate your friend’s habit of retweeping videos of cats stealing toupees and running up ChristmaKwaanzUkah bush trees to put them on the heads of the angels there.
Dear Amritsar,
My hatred of videos of cats stealing toupees and running up ChristmaKwaanzUkah bush trees to put them on the heads of the angels there is irrelevant. McDruhitmumpf Derangement Syndrome is so real. If it wasn’t, why would so many otherwise rational (broadly defined), reasonable (if you squint) people turn into frothing, raving lunatics at the mere mention of his name? It’s positively Pavlovodkaskian! And, anyway, everybody on Foxindehenhaus News talks about McDruhitmumpf Derangement Syndrome, so it must be a thing. In the world.
If anything sounds made up, it’s the Vesampuccerian Psychiatric Association. I mean, I’ve never heard of such a thing. My wife Beretta has never heard of such a thing. My other wife, Nitro (don’t ask about the paperwork!) has never heard of such a thing. Nobody at the Ferkin’ Ferkin had heard of such a thing, and that includes the designated drivers! Seriously, the Vesampuccerian Psychiatric Association, it just sounds so…made up!
Political in Passaic
Hey, Babe,
Bless your soul for not writing that positively Pavlovodkaskian would make a great name for a punk rock band from the eighties. It’s good to know that in these barbarian times, some people still know how to show a little self-restraint.
Having said that, the rest of your message was complete bull testicles. The Vesampuccerian Psychiatric Association was founded in 1844. Okay, at the time it was called the Association of Medical Superintendents of Vesampuccerian Institutions for the Insane because they didn’t know any better. It was 1844. Their approach to mental illness was take two leeches and send me a letter by Pony Express in the morning. Every institution has to start somewhere.
As a matter of fact, several of my closest friends are among the 37,000 members of the VPA. If they do not recognize that something is a thing, trust me, it’s not a thing. Because they are a thing. They are a thing that knows things.
The internet is full of psychoBabylon. Wrong ideas often start as a joke, the humour wearing thin through constant retelling, until people start to take them seriously and spread them as fact. The Internet is the brokenest telephone. Where do you think that people got the idea that K-Pop diminished psychotic behaviour in dolls animated by the spirits of dead serial killers?
Trust me: if it ain’t in the DS&M V, it ain’t psychology!
Dear Amritsar,
YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT! THERE’S NO SUCH THING AS THE VESAMPUCCERIAN PSYCHIATRIC ASSOCIATION!! AND, IF THERE IS, IT’S PART OF A CONSPIRACY TO MAKE DECENT, HARD-WORKING VESAMPUCCERIAN MEN SUBSERVANT TO INTERNATIONAL BANKERS!!! YOU THINK I DON’T SMELL GEORGE SOROBOROROS’ INFLUENCE HERE?!?!?!?! MAYBE YOU SHOULD GET YOUR NOSTRILS UNSTUFFED!!!!!
RONALD MCDRUHITMUMPF IS THE GREATEST PRESIDENT SINCE SLICED BREAD! HE HAS DONE MORE FOR THE AVERAGE WORKING STIFF THAN WHITE TOAST!! YES, I SAID IT: EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT BLACK BREAD IS BORN INFERIOR AND ONLY SUCCEEDS BECAUSE OF PREJUDICIAL DUMBOPRAT POLICIES TOWARDS BAKED GOODS!!! THE VESAMPUCCERIAN PSYCHIATRIC ASSOCIATION WOULD HAVE US BELIEVE THAT TOAST IS NOT A SCIENTIFIC CATEGORY – WELL, SO IS THEIR AUNT PETUNIA!!!! I’M PROUD TO BE PURE WHITE TOAST, AND NOT PUMPERNICKEL OR RYE OR ANY OF THE OTHER MONGREL BREADS!!!!!
Thank you for listening to me. I hope you now see the error of your ways and will write accordingly.
Political in Passaic
Hey, Babe,
Who, exactly, is the deranged person in this scenario?
Send your relationship problems to the Alternate Reality News Service’s sex, love and technology columnist at questions@lespagesauxfolles.ca. Amritsar Al-Falloudjianapour is not a trained therapist, but she does know a lot of stuff. AMRITSAR SAYS: “Time periodist?” Sure, I’ll accept that label, if you will accept the label “labelist!”