Dear Amritsar,
Three years ago, I met just the coolest of cool cats. Rex is smart and funny and when we go to bed, oh boy, does the fur fly! He’s an animal!
We got married a couple of months ago. That’s when the…unpleasantness started.
For our first meal in our new home, I gave Rex Venison and Duck. He really seemed to enjoy it, so I gave it to him the next night as well. Well! He sniffed the food I put in front of him for a second or two, then pushed the bowl away. I wasn’t expecting that – if he had liked it one night, why not the next?
Improvising, I opened some New England Seafood Boil. Rex sniffed it for a moment or two, then took a tentative lick. I inwardly sighed in relief when he enthusiastically tucked in. Rex had it the next night, and the night after that.
Unfortunately, this didn’t last. On the fourth night, the New England Seafood Boil was lanced. I tried Venison and Duck again, but Rex just covered. Seafood Medley struck a sour note. Mariner’s Catch was thrown back. Eventually, Rex agreed to eat Tilapia and Pumpkin, although I suspect he was humouring his new bride more than actually enjoying the food.
It has been this way every night since we got back from the honeymoon. One night, Rex will enjoy Turkey and Gravy. The next night, the only thing he will eat is Gramma’s Pot Pie. Yesterday, for the first time in two months, he ate Venison and Duck again. Then, there were the nights when nothing would satisfy him. Rex is an animal wrangler for the movies! He has to keep his energy levels high (do you have any idea how much effort it takes to keep four feral mongooses in a tight shot?)! But, no matter how I begged, pleaded and cried, there were just some nights when he would get that, “You’ve got to be kidding me – you want me to put that in my mouth?” look, and nothing I did would change his mind.
There was no pattern to these eating habits that I could discern. I put them into a spreadsheet, but nothing caught my eye. I used an algorithm I found on the Internet, but it kept returning null sets. I asked a math professor friend of mine at the University of Cathmandu if she could find a pattern, but she just patted me on the head and, with a cryptic smile, sent me on my way.
Oh, Amritsar! I’m the baby of my family – the runt of the litter, if you want to know the truth – I know I’m not sophisticated in the ways of the male of the species. I can’t help but wonder, though: what does Rex do on those nights when he turns his nose up at everything I put in front of him? Is it possible that he…he is getting his dinners somewhere else?
I know we’ve only been married for a couple of months, but…could Rex be tomcatting around on me already?
Princess
Hey, Babe,
Do you live on Earth Prime 3-8-7-7-0-1 dash rho?
Dear Amritsar,
As a matter of fact, we do. How did you know?
Princess
Hey, Babe,
Your husband isn’t cheating on you. YOUR RACE IS DESCENDED FROM CATS. You’re just a bunch of finicky eaters.
If you’re really concerned, there are a couple of things you can try. Some people find a pinch of catnip makes the food go down easier. The problem with this solution is that your mate might become addicted. I’m getting an image of Rex rolling around on the ground in pleasure when he should be getting an elephant to a set. Awkward.
Some veterinar – umm, doctors – some doctors suggest that exercise before a feedi – meal is a good way to stimulate an ani – person – a person’s appetite. However, studies of cats in laborato…ries where they work and in their homes has been, at best, inconclusive.
Whether you try these or other methods to make Rex have more enthusiasm for the food you put in front of him, be aware that there are no easy solutions to this problem. Sorry.
Dear Amritsar,
You mean, I’m going to have to deal with this for the rest of our married lives?
Princess
Hey, Babe,
Marriage is not for the faint of heart.
Send your relationship problems to the Alternate Reality News Service’s sex, love and technology columnist at questions@lespagesauxfolles.ca. Amritsar Al-Falloudjianapour is not a trained therapist, but she does know a lot of stuff. AMRITSAR SAYS: in some universes, it’s a fine line between living a sheltered life and living life in a shelter.