Dear Amritsar,
Everybody in Cityville loves Middle Aged Fat Slob Man. And, why wouldn’t they? When he recovers from bouncing baddies off his belligerent belly, his pose could almost be described as heroic, especially if you’re myopic and left your bifocals at the sauna. I must admit, there’s something about the way that he casually – almost accidentally saves the city week in and week out that is disarming. Figurative and literally. And, possibly Oedipally.
But, if I had to be completely honest, I would say that my heart belongs to my co-worker at The Daily Orb, food columnist Dick Deckard. The way his muscles ripple in his stylish business suit – oooh! – I might think his body contained alien DNA if I wasn’t so enraptured by the spectacle. In a perfect world, we would have married a long time, be looking forward to the birth of our seventh grandchild and constantly wonder where we placed our reading glasses. It’s the myopia, you know.
Yeah. Sure. In a perfect world, zebras would travel on their backs. Unfortunately, this world is far from perfect. You see, unbeknownst to anybody save my sidekick, Killer Koala, I am actually a cowled crimefighter.
When I first moved to Cityville in issue 63 of Strange Culinary Tales, my alter ego was known as The Asian Avenger. I dished out heaping helpings of pulse-pounding justice with a side of noodles and fortune cookie wisdom. By the 1980s, some of the more…stereotypical features of my heroic persona had become too offensive to the general public to continue, so I morphed into Power Panda (“Using the ancient power of amplified cuteness for the good of humanity!”). Blinding evildoers with a dazzling smile may not be as cool as disarming them with dim sum daggers, but times change, and the smart superhero changes with them.
Anyway.
In the almost 50 years we’ve known each other, I cannot begin to count how many times I’ve almost told Dick my secret (literally – too many school buses to the head have left me permanently mathematically impaired). Whenever I am about to start, I’m usually interrupted by a giant space squid attacking Cityville Square or The Crimson Zap attempting to rob yet another bank; by the time I’ve changed into Power Panda, Dick has disappeared and there is nothing left for me to do but join Middle Aged Fat Slob Man in dealing with the villain. It’s funny how he and I always get to the scene of villainy at roughly the same time. If I didn’t have a looming deadline for a feature on the Leamus Threnody Middle Aged Fat Slob Man action figure abuse case, I might give that some more thought…
I want to tell Dick about my secret identity (after I declare my undying love for him, of course), but I’m afraid he’ll think of me as some kind of freak. (To be honest, the black and white costume is unbearably adorable.) Should I risk it?
Linda Ling
Hey, Babe,
Absolutely not.
Relationships between superheroes and civilians are fraught with peril. For one thing, if a villain ever finds out your secret identity, she can use the knowledge to attack your civilian family (see, for example, Amazing Awesome Man issue 54, the two-part Roo Avenger story in issues 13 and 264 and The Dark Snail Returns graphic novel). Dick Deckard may make hearts flutter when he wears his suit, but would that be of any use if he was attacked by The Mauve Marauder?
In addition, I assume that you want to be loved for your human self, and not because you can throw tractor trailers a city block. Every superhero does. Personally, I’d rather have the opportunity to call upon Panda Power to be able to throw a tractor trailer a city block. Every citizen would. But, uhh, this is not an essay on the ironies of relative life dissatisfaction, so let me just point out that if you tell Dick Deckard about your secret identity, you will never be sure why he loves you. Just like ordinary people, but superheroes seem to take it much more to heart.
More generally, you will find that it is a rare man who isn’t threatened by a powerful woman. There’s something about a woman who can hold down a 350 pound Malthusian Rhinobat with her Power Panda Paunch that men find intimidating. Don’t ask me why – they’re just built that way.
I’m sorry, but a relationship between you and Dick Deckard will simply never work. Your secret identity will always get in the way.
Send your relationship problems to the Alternate Reality News Service’s sex, love and technology columnist at questions@lespagesauxfolles.ca. Amritsar Al-Falloudjianapour is not a trained therapist, but she does know a lot of stuff. AMRITSAR SAYS: That second to last paragraph about men being threatened by strong women is not a reference, veiled, befogged, poorly visible or otherwise, to my relationship with Stefan. That breakup was entirely amicable, no matter what the tabloids say!