Dear Amritsar,
I’ve been playing It’s a Pink, Pink, Pink, Pink, Pink, Pink World since I was like five years old, you know? In my two years in the game, I’ve learned a lot, done a lot and like like to think I’m a pro. I spent most of my time in Cheesecake City in Girly Valley, where I like sewed patches on the clothes of my friends to earn Super Bonus Friend Girl points so that I could afford even more cheesecake than the daily allotment given every player of the game. Good times.
Sorry. I meant: like good times. Oh, and that should have been “Like sorry.” Or, should it have been “Sorry like?” Having to conform to the expected speech patterns of children my age can be very confusing, sometimes. Know what? I’m not gonna bother. Let’s just take it as given that I’m a young girl, k?
K.
One thing I never did in the game was climb Cotton Candy Mountain. It was all sticky and stuff, you know, and I figured it would be tough to get mountain fluff off my pink hiking boots. But, my friend Angel Puffy Stuffy said she got a pink pillow with cute little rainbows in its seven corners for getting just halfway up the mountain. And, my other friend, Angel Locks Nessie said she got close to the top and could swear she saw unicorns through the mists. Unicorns! Well, I just got myself a bottle of anti-sticky stuff and thought, “Today is the day I do I throw my fears to the wind and climb! Cotton! Candy! Mountain!”
While I Was taking a break a quarter of the way up the mountain at Hair Ribbon Point, I was approached by another girl who said her name was Angel Zaffy. When I told her how excited I was to finally be climbing Cotton Candy Mountain, she asked, “All this pink – do you think it’s really code for the worldwide homosexual agenda?”
I…I didn’t know what she was talking about, so I told her to stop being silly and asked if she thought that there were unicorns at the top of the mountain. Angel Zaffy replied, “If, by unicorns, you mean jihad against the infidels and by the top of the mountain you mean a timetable that could be measured in days or weeks instead of months or years, then, yes, yes, I think it is very possible.”
This was getting weird, so I figured I’d give up the quest and try it another day. You know, when there wasn’t some weird girl around saying things I that must be weird because I didn’t understand them?
Can you tell me what happened on Cotton Candy Mountain? Cause I’m really confused.
Angel Brina (age seven)
Hey, Babe,
IT’S A TRAP! Your game is being monitored by American security agents. ABANDON YOUR QUEST TO GET TO THE TOP OF COTTON CANDY MOUNTAIN AND GET OUT OF THE GAME WHILE YOUR PRIVACY IS INTACT!
Dear Amritsar,
That was a little…extreme, don’t you think?
Angel Zaffy (age six – no, really, I’ll be seven in a couple of months – oh, come on, why would I lie to you?)
Hey, Babe,
No. No, I do not believe that was extreme. You have all the subtlety of an elephant in an ice cream factory.
What do you think is going to happen in It’s a Pink, Pink, Pink, Pink, Pink, Pink World? You think one player is going to attack another with a Sugar-coated Candy Cane of Cuteness? They’re brittle – at the first hint of violence, they’d break into a million pieces. Or, maybe one of the boxes under the Everyday Christmas Tree contains an IED?
You should be ashamed of yourself.
Dear Amritsar,
How do you know that the little girls in the game aren’t actually seventy year-old Muslims logging in from the hills of Tora Bora where they plot violence against Americans? For all you know, “Sugar-coated Candy Cane of Cuteness” could be code for “RPG-7 missiles.” And, when they talk about climbing Cotton Candy Mountain, can you be sure that they’re not really discussing an assault on American embassy? Like, a hundred per cent sure? Because, anything less than a hundred per cent sureness could result in the complete and utter destruction of our way of life!
I will never be ashamed of defending my country.
Angel Zaffy (age six – because patriots start young, you know)
Hey, Babe,
It makes my head hurt just trying to keep up with your paranoia. I’m going to have a little lie down…
Send your relationship problems to the Alternate Reality News Service’s sex, love and technology columnist at questions@lespagesauxfolles.ca. Amritsar Al-Falloudjianapour is not a trained therapist, but she does know a lot of stuff. AMRITSAR SAYS: Just because it happened doesn’t mean it’s true.