Dear Amritsar,
Every woman wants a man with a little bit of a devil inside him. Some of us want a devil with a little bit of a man inside him. It’s an I say, “Tomato,” you say “eternal damnation,” kind of situation, really.
I was immediately attracted to Fragnar when I met him at the Midtown Gastrointestinal Pub. He was smoking hot (apparently, you can take the demon out of hell, but there aren’t enough fire extinguishers in the world to…), and he had a terrific sense of humour. I remember, he told one joke about torturing a dentist that had everybody laughing until their sides hurt.
Hmm…in retrospect, maybe he put us under a spell that made us think the joke was funnier than it actually was. And in further retrospect, it occurs to me that the point may not have been our amusement, but our physical torment, Fragnar can be such a scamp!
And oh, the things he does in the sack! (Okay, the burlap itches, but it’s big enough to hold a large elephant or a small dinette set, so there’s plenty of room for us to…get creative!) Imagine the possibilities of a 20 inch tongue that you can unspool like a fishing line – the French can only wish! Not only that, but Fragnar is the first lover I’ve ever had who literally has a beautiful tail. With so many uses!
Oh, sure, he may have exaggerated his role in hell a little. It turns out Fragnar doesn’t organize the torture of corporate tax fraudsters, only that of people who hack into porn sites in their teens. But I don’t need him in my life for status; I need him in my life for the status of his…mmm, oh, yeah, baby!
Anyway.
The other day, I was watching a press conference with a bunch of people in lab coats on the steps of…some impressive looking government building in Washington. The group was called Frontline Doctors for Insanity. It seemed legit to me. There was a lot of talk about how COVID is a government hoax and that we could take a drug called Ivermectin to cure it. But what really got my attention was the doctor who said that having sex with demons would cause me to contract ovarian cysts.
Should I be worried?
Lizzie “I Don’t Need No Doctor” Proctor
Hey, Babe,
There is nothing in the medical literature that says that sex with demons will give you ovarian cysts. On the other hand, there is nothing in the medical literature that says that sex with demons will not give you ovarian cysts. The medical literature is, in fact, silent on this issue. It’s almost enough to make you think there is some manner of conspiracy by the medical establishment to avoid the subject entirely. Almost enough.
The closest the medical establishment comes to the subject of sex with demons is an article in The Journal of Sybaritic Auspices G Through B called “Rites Is Wrong: The Adoption Rate of Hepatitis X Among Satanic Covens.” However, this article found that there was no correlation between Satanic cults and mysterious offshoots of well documented illnesses.
The real question, then, would be: how much do you trust people on television in white lab coats claiming to be doctors? You hope they’ll have the bedside manner of Marcus Welby and the diagnostic capability of Gregory House; unfortunately, they’re more likely to have the diagnostic capability of Garth Merenghi and the bedside manner of Gregory House. That is not a set of qualities that inspires confidence.
In any case, given the fact that the mortality rate of human beings having sex with demons nears 100% within six months of the first heavy petting session, I would say that you have much more serious health concerns to consider!
Send your relationship problems to the Alternate Reality News Service’s sex, love and technology columnist at questions@lespagesauxfolles.ca. Amritsar Al-Falloudjianapour is not a trained therapist, but she does know a lot of stuff. AMRITSAR SAYS: Be thankful that Amritsar has a strict policy of not divulging the identities of her correspondents with people in white lab coats, or you could find yourself the subject of the first medical study of people who have sex with demons!