Google Me This, Batman: The Irrational is number 4,238 on the list of most popular Canadian Google search terms. But, we’re still higher than Mike Bullard’s talk show.
News Even Before It Happens: Howard Dean is declared the frontrunner of the American Democratic Presidential race. The media immediately declares his campaign dead.
The Bloom Was Off the Rose a Decade Ago: Pete Rose admits he bet on baseball games as manager of the Cincinnati Reds, including those of his own team. Odds are good that he’ll make it into the Baseball Hall of Fame despite a lifetime ban from the game, but they go down every time he asks if he can get a piece of that action.
“From a lovely and scenic cottage in Antigone…Antiknish…Arigorn…Anti – Peggy’s Cove, New Brunswick, this is The Irrational, with Joe Anchor.”
Not since Brian Mulroney crawled into Ronald Reagan’s back pocket and refused to come out has a Canadian Prime Minister’s relationship with an American President held out so much promise. As Rahul Festru – my feet are wet. Why are my feet wet?
“Canadian Prime Minister Paul Martin had such a constructive breakfast meeting with American President George W. Bush that he began singing ‘Good Vibrations.’ The President spoiled the mood a little when he pointed out that Martin would owe the Beach Boys royalties on the song. Martin managed to get two agreements with Bush: the Americans will not send Canadian citizens to foreign countries to be tortured without telling the Canadian government…eventually, and Canadian corporations will be allowed to bid on contracts to rebuild Iraq, a country that shouldn’t have been destroyed in the first place. Oh, I can feel the special returning to our relationship already.
“In a related story, the usual suspects (you know who you are) are starting to argue that Canada must take part in the building of the American missile defense shield (a funky new acronym for which is to be supplied any day now) because we would lose more sovereignty if we were not part of the command structure than if we were. As if the flea can tell the dog where to go. This assumes that the shield will ever actually function, despite all evidence to the contrary; by the time it does, the Klingons will likely use their plasma photon torpedoes to blast through it. For The Irrational, this is Rahul Festrunk reporting from Washington.”
No, my feet are definitely wet. Well, yes, I know this is a makeshift studio. I know that you’re doing the best you can, but I hardly think electrocuting the anchor is in the best interests of – ahem. Yes. Canada’s own Bono is hitting the road, and, as Jian Gezundheight reports, the road is holding its own.
“Singer/songwriter and long time political activist Bruce Cockburn will be going to Iraq with a US humanitarian group. Of course, if he had a rocket launcher, he would spend the next six years in Guantanamo Bay. On the plus side, a stint in jail always seems to improve a poet’s work… From Oshawa, this is Jian Gezundheight reporting.”
…aren’t we in Antigonish? WHAT? ARE…YOU…SERIOUS? If the announcer can’t pronounce the name of the city you’re broadcasting from, you change the announcer, you don’t – what kind of an outfit is this, anyway?
“Libyan strongman Muammar Khadafy has renounced the use of weapons of mass destruction. The White House immediately seized on this as a justification for its war on Iraq. However, this became less impressive – by far – when it was determined that the only weapons Khadafy actually had at his disposal were spitballs and chacked loogies. ‘Don’t scoff,’ stated National Security Adviser Condoleezza Rice. ‘Khadafy has long-range loogies, and you can poke somebody’s eye out with a spitball!’ From Washington, this is Subaru Debutante
reporting for The Irrational.”
My insurance doesn’t cover electrocution, so could you please find and close that leak? Oh, thank you. Over 70 per cent of Americans believe that Michael Jackson was responsible for the death of Diana, the Princess of Wales. How does such bizarre misinformation spread? Eldred Cleavuntoer risks his sanity to bring us the story.
“Former Bush Treasury Secretary Paul O’Neill has written a book which, in part, says the President intended to invade Iraq from the moment he entered office. In response, President Dubya stated: ‘Our position on Iraq has been clear and consistent. We said Saddam posed an imminent threat of attacking us with weapons of mass destruction…and we found he didn’t actually have any. We said we needed to be protected from Saddam and the terrorists of 9/11…and we found that Saddam had nothing to do with the terrorists of 9/11. We said that Saddam’s regime would be spared an attack if he complied with United Nations resolutions…but we had secretly been planning to attack him whether he complied or not. See. Clear and consistent.’ Clearly self-serving and consistently wrong? This is Eldred Cleavuntoer reporting from Washington.”
If you cannot trust your elected leaders, can you at least trust the software on your – is that a rat! Is that a – what the – is this a barn? Are we broadcasting from a bloo – THIS IS A BARN! Go to Monique Moosehead. NOW!
“Adobe Systems has acknowledged that it embedded code in its computer software that would warn authorities when the software was used to make digital copies of currencies. Is it possible that other computer programmes come with code their owners know nothing about? Straw makes a wonderful addition to your birdhouse. Be especially careful not to trip over the water canteen on your way to the first open window. Never be afraid to show your true emotions to those closest to you, as they're the ones who will in all likelihood be forced to pay your psychiatric bills. For The Irrational, this is Monique Moosehead reporting from deep within my hard drive.”
This is outrageous! I’m the most respected name in Canadian television journalism – well, if you don’t count Lloyd Robertson – bastard – I’m very high up on the respect ladder, and I expect – I mean, did Lloyd Robertson ever broadcast from a barn because his announcer couldn’t pronounce – do you know how much I make in a year? I – yeah, yeah, yeah, Pulitzer Prize…AIDS…Eloise Tendentious reports.
“Critics have been raving about the HBO adaptation of Don Kershner’s play Angels In America. KC, of KC and the Sunshine Band fame, plays a gay rock star dying of AIDS. Dave Edmunds plays his lover, who is not emotionally able to accept KC’s impending death. And, in an acting tour-de-force, Patti Labelle plays an earthy, no-nonsense nurse in a hospital, an earthy, no-nonsense rabbi at a cemetery and an earthy, no-nonsense angel. Personally, the 1980s politics are a little dated for me, but the acting is superb, and the message – that the worst wounds can be healed by a properly placed three minute pop song – is timeless. For The Irrational, this is Eloise Tendentious in New York.”
I’m never going on the road again.
“Goaltender Marc-Andre Fleury made a mistake that cost the Canadian team the hockey game against the United States and the gold medal at the World Junior Championship. Ontario Liberal Leader Dalton McGuinty is now blaming the fact that he may have to allow private companies to partner with hospitals on Fleury. Not to be outdone, Prime Minister Paul Martin is blaming the billion dollar gun registry fiasco on Fleury. In light of this, psychologist Anna Freud-Pinpon suggested that, for the sake of his sanity, Fleury move to Haiti, change his name to Jean-Paul Duvalier and open a fish and chips stand on the beach. ‘Sometimes,’ Freud-Pinpon stated, ‘escape is the best answer. Psychologically, I mean.’ Reporting from the opposition’s blue line, this is Chester Pressman.”
Later in the broadcast, the team from Queer Eye for the Straight Guy works its magic on America’s color coordinated terror alerts. “Hunh! Yellow? Please! Mauve is the new orange…”