by TAMMY, Alternate Reality Kidz News Service Life is so Unfair Writer
When I was first given this assignment, I had no idea what a transgender person was. Timmy said it was a kid who can unfold his body into a powerful 20 foot tall robot; but, being a boy, Timmy is an idiot by definition. I learned. Timmy is beyond hope.
Starting at the end of January, adults were stationed by the doors of the bathrooms in Martin Luther Kilemanjarring Elementary School on Earth Prime 1-6-7-1-8-2 dash Psi. As far as I can tell, they were there to demand students pull down their pants and show their private parts before they would be allowed to go to the bathroom.
Betty-Lou Bikramsevitzom was the first girl this happened to. She slapped the face of the adult and started screaming, “Stranger danger! Stranger danger! Help! Stranger danger!” In an exclusive interview, Bikramsevitzom told me that if she hadn’t left her pepper spray in her locker, the man, who turned out to be a private security guard who screamed, “NoI’mnotgoingtotellyoumyname! Getawayfromme!”, would have been seeing cross-eyed for a week!
The next day, the school held an assembly. According to video of the event posted to TiktokingTimeBomb, Principle Otis Redrumredrummer said, “The government of Vesampucceri – long live President McDruhitmumpf! – has ruled that, to get funding, schools must ensure that transgender students use the bathroom of their birth gender. You probably don’t understand what I’m talking about because we would lose our funding if we taught sex education. And I can’t explain what I’m talking about because that would be considered sex education and we would lose our funding. If you have to go to the bathroom, please just pull down your pants and let the adult monitoring the door see your private parts. It…it would just be easiest for everybody…”
A few students gave in to the demand, but most didn’t. It was okay for the boys – they just went out to the woods behind the school and did their business there. The girls who didn’t want to submit to the inspections had a harder time; many ended up going home with soiled panties.
When their parents found out what was going on at the school, there were many reactions. Some complained at the next School Board meeting; unfortunately, since the Board was stacked by Reduhblicans, the parents who complained were called “perverts” and worse, and were warned that they would be investigated for child abuse if they continued to protest.
Taking their cue from the meeting, some parents urged the local sheriff, Esther Goodrunwilloughby, to arrest the bathroom monitors for child abuse. Sympathetic to their complaint, Goodrunwilloughby brought charges against four teachers at Kilemanjarring Elementary.
When he heard what had happened, President McDruhitmumpf issued a pardon to the four teachers. “Teachers are the bedrock of any idiotocracy,” he said in a Grey House speech. “Who else will teach children that there are no term limits in our great and glorious Constitution? That Vesampucceri was founded as a white, Christian nation? That McDruhitmumpf bibles are the best way to learn the word of Gord? Teachers – now that we neutered their unions, I love ’em!”
A month later, Principle Redrumredrummer held a second assembly in which he explained that the bathroom inspections would be ended. Instead, all of the students would have their DNA tested and assigned bathrooms by the school. “The federal government collects DNA with every birth,” he explained, “but they – well, they’re not very good at sharing. They could definitely use some lessons from our students, let me tell you! So, anyway…when your home room is called, please go to the table on the left, where the school nurse, Mrs. Abitidabra, will swab the inside of your cheek.”
There would still be monitors on the doors of the bathrooms. Now, if they didn’t recognize a student, they would ask the student’s name and look them up on a list. If the student was trying to get into a bathroom of a gender they weren’t assigned at birth, they would be marched down to the principle’s office, where he would inspect them himself.
“No good deed goes unpunished,” Principle Redrumredrummer sighed. “If I wasn’t a mere 14 years away from retirement, I might just quit!”
“Adults are gross!” Bikramsevitzom complained. I couldn’t disagree with her.