Tim was sitting behind a kitchen table, morosely poking his spoon into a bowl of cereal. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a deep voice boomed out: “Tim Vera, how’s your love life?”
Tim dropped his spoon, teetering on the verge of a heart attack, then smiled. “Well, you know how it is,” he replied. “I can take all those wild nights in Paris, but jetting down to the Caribbean for the clam festival is beginning to wear me down…”
The voice interrupted, angry. “Sure, Tim Vera,” it said, “but, how’s your love life?” Tim stopped smiling.
“Terrible,” he gloomily admitted.
The voice grew smug. “Well, why don’t you try new Grepsodent Toothpaste, with new and improved chemicals!”
“Alright,” said Tim, brightening already. “I will!”
A week later, Tim sat behind the same table, poking the same spoon into the same bowl. (We can only hope it was different cereal.) “Hey, Tim Vera,” the now familiar voice asked, “now, how’s your love life?”
“Still terrible,” Tim, disappointed, stated.
“Nice teeth, though,” the voice pointed out. “Have you considered that it’s your deoderant that turns women off?”
“My…deoderant?” Tim asked, uncomprehending.
“Of course,” the voice explained, “women aren’t interested in men who smell like piston engines. New and improved Odorgone will help you attract those outdoor types with its unique touch of pine…”
Tim brightened a little. “I’ll try it, I guess…”
A few days later, Tim was still sniffling at the kitchen table. “Tim Vera,” the voice, refusing to be put off, insisted, “how is your love life now?”
“I…I attracted a moose,” Tim, embarrassed, said.
“Was it a female moose?” the voice asked. Tim sneered. The voice got defensive. “Look,” it asked, “are you trying your best to have a love life? I mean, really?”
“Yes!” Tim cried.
“Alright,” the voice said, “then, let’s get serious. We’re going to get rid of that mousy brown hair…from now on, you’re going to be a bright yellow blond – and some of those teeth are going to have to go…yes, and we’re going to have to lose a little weight, now, aren’t we?”
“Are we?” Tim, weary, asked.
Three months later, Tim was the picture of health. He was tall, blond, with perfect teeth and a great physique. And he was still eating cereal in his apartment by himself (but, now, it was organic).
“So,” the voice tried again, “How’s your love life, Tim Vera?”
“The pits,” Tim responded. “And, I’m out three thousand bucks.”
The voice became menacing. “I’m not giving up on you, Vera,” it insisted. “What’s your problem with women?”
“Well,” said Tim, thoroughly cowed, “I meet them okay, but then we start talking about the deficit or national defense policy and they soon start wandering off…”
“Aha!” the voice cried triumphantly. “So, that’s your problem! Well, as it happens, we have just the product for you: new Brain-Away pills and capsules. Shed those unwanted IQ points that just get in the way of meeting members of the opposite sex! Here you go.”
The next morning, Tim was poking around in his cereal as usual. But, there was a beautiful woman poking around in a bowl of her own sitting next to him. “Tim Vera,” the voice, boastful, asked, “how the heck’s your love life?”
Tim looked over at the woman, “Couldn’t be better,” he confided, smiling, “since I found Grepsodent and Brain-Away.”
“Yes,” the voice summed up, “Grepsodent, Odorgone and new Brain-Away pills and capsules. From Lifestyle Products. For those chance encounters, should you leave anything to chance?” Then, lower and faster: “Lifestyle Products is a subdivision of MultiNatCorp. When using Brain-Away, if intelligence persists, see your doctor: a lobotomy may be necessary.”
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Coming soon to NOBC:
A freak accident in a sneaker factory left Nick Smith alive, but without a face. Using techniques of plastic surgery quite frankly beyond anything we could currently even imagine, the RCMP gave Smith a new face and a new identity: Nick Knight, adventurer, bon vivant and hero to millions. To assist him in his never-ending fight against crime and the forces of E*V*I*L, the RCMP equipped Nick Knight with the latest technology: computerized sneakers. Now, he and CUTE (Computer Utilizing Technological Entity) fight crime as: Knight Runner! Check local listings for a time in your area!
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We now return you to your regularly scheduled column.