Hope
“I will not allow gridlock or inaction or wilful indifference to get in our way.”
– President Barack Obama
No Change
“It doesn’t matter – we’re not going to do what they want to do.”
– Republican House Budget Committee leader Paul Ryan
I’m Pretty Sure He’s Not Floating To A Stage In An Angel’s Harness…
“He’s just a 19 year-old boy. And, before you criticize him, say, ‘What is my 19 year-old boy doing?'”
– Justin Bieber’s grandmother, Diane Dale
“Exactly What We’ve Been Saying!” Drug Lords Agree
“A reduction in the spread and influence of drug addiction will not be achieved by a liberalization of drug use, as is currently being proposed in various parts of Latin America.”
– Pope Francis
You Thought “He Makes Me Laugh” Was Just A Comedy Writer’s Conceit?
“I think generally people are not really sure about my crush, but I stand behind it.”
– Tatiana Maslany on her crush on Rick Moranis
You Already Got One – Want To Try Your Luck With The Other?
“We will be hosting the greatest outdoor show on earth, come hell or high water.”
– Calgary Stampede President Bob Thompson explaining that, despite massive flooding in Alberta, the show will go on
To Use But One Example: The Transparent Falsehood Of This Statement
“The Prime Minister has always believed in the importance of transparency.”
– spokesman for British PM David Cameron
“I’m Thinking…Two Companies, Or – Or – Better Yet, One Company – Yeah, One Company – That Would Be The Ideal Scenario For Competition!”
“I’ve never seen how a four player market can work in a country like Canada. I never thought of it as a sustainable model… It’s difficult enough, frankly, to work with three players.”
– Rogers Communications CEO Nadir Mohamed
You Mean, At This Very Second?
Or, This Second?
Or…?
“We don’t force-feed right now at Gitmo.”
– U.S. marine General John Kelly
Being A Movie Star Requires Overcoming Aversity
“Crystal says he relates to Mike even more than he did City Slickers‘ Mitch or relationship-adverse Harry Burns in When Harry Met Sally…”
– Toronto Star
So, I’m Only Going To Use Three Quarters Of This Column To Do It
“Predictions about what might transpire in an election two years from now are…premature and foolish.”
– Globe and Mail columnist Jeffrey Simpson
True, We Had To Amputate Your Arm. True, We Lost Most Of Your Small Intestine And Had To Cut Off Both Your Small Toes. But, Other Than That, You’re In Perfect Health!
“True, it’s not a census. True, there’s been some loss of small-area data and true there’s more volatility in the estimates for small populations, particularly small populations in small areas. But, the data turns out to be remarkably strong…”
– Chief Statistician of Canada Wayne Smith on the 2010 survey
Pointing This Out Will Not Make R.I.P.D. A Better Movie
“The world has gotten too mean for me, it’s just too bitchy. All the Web sites and all the blogging and all the people giving their opinion and their hatred…it’s all so mean-spirited, it’s all so critical.”
– Mary-Louise Parker
So, Don’t Feel Guilty About Attending That Orgy
“Sexual love is the heart of community life.”
– Wendell Berry
Where Did You Go, Stephen. I Never Thought I Would Say This, But We Miss You…
“Information is the lifeblood of democracy. Without adequate access to key information about government policies and programmes, citizens and parliamentarians cannot make informed decisions, and incompetent or corrupt governance can be hidden under a cloak of secrecy.”
– Stephen Harper, citizen, circa 2005
Unless It’s Your Pet Armadillo, I Really Don’t Want To Know
“You don’t even know what I’m rocking under this skirt.”
– Miley Cyrus
Only In A Small Minority Of Cases Are They Handled By Circus Clowns
“Movement of hazardous material by rail not only can be, but is being handled safely in the vast majority of instances.”
– CN spokesperson Mark Hallman
Wear Chanel Fur, Save A Life
Northern hunters “make a living having learnt nothing else than hunting, killing those beasts who would kill us if they could.”
– fashionista Karl Lagerfeld
So, Now Tolerance Means Going To A Movie Based On A Middling Book You Either Never Read Or Didn’t Care For?
We Really Have Come A Long Way Since Stonewall!
“With the recent Supreme Court ruling, the gay marriage issue becomes moot. The Full Faith and Credit clause of the Constitution will, sooner or later, give legal force in every state to any marriage contract recognized by any other state. Now it will be interesting to see whether the victorious proponents of gay marriage will show tolerance toward those who disagreed with them when the issue was still in dispute.”
– Orson Scott Card, responding to a movement to boycott the film version of Ender’s Game by people who disagree with his public, vocal stand against same sex marriage
To Make Such An Accusation Takes A Lot Of Cannibals
“One does not really need to support the people who not only kill their enemies, but open up their bodies, eat their intestines in front of the public and cameras. Are these the people you want to support? Are they the ones you want to supply with weapons?”
– Russian President Vladimir Putin on western support of rebels in Syria
Deadpan Delivery Is A Hallmark Of Great Comedy
“Editor’s Note: This story has been updated from an earlier version to reveal that it is a hoax.”
– notice on an article on the Globe and Mail Web site about a man who lapsed into a coma after eating 413 Red Lobster biscuits
We Were Just There To See The Sights, Play A Little Golf, Kill A Few People, Maybe Get A Tan…
“To suggest that we could have stopped this is ridiculous. It’s their country. It’s not for us to change.”
– former US Green Beret Paul Avallone, on claims that countries like Canada and the United States turned a blind eye to Afghan child abuse