by FREDERICA VON McTOAST-HYPHEN, Alternate Reality News Service Pop Culture Writer
The Ukraine war. Tariff wars. Storage Wars. With so much conflict in the news these days, it’s hard to find any mention of the culture wars that were so prevalent during the Bidenhisbeeswax years. Yet fret not, culture warriors – the war grinds on!
Are you familiar with Ms. Rochelle? You would be if you had just given birth (or know somebody who has just given birth {or have an interest in people who have just given birth for reasons of your own that are better left unexplored}): she’s a Yahootube personality who specializes in videos for infants and the parents who love them. Who do their best to love them. Most of the time. When they’re not completely sleep-deprived and cranky. The parents, I mean. Or, the infants, too, I suppose.
“Hi, friends!” Ms. Rochelle usually starts her videos before getting on to the day’s lesson: “Today, I’m going to talk to you about going pottie. I know it’s your pottie, but you really don’t have to cry even if you want to…”
Rochelle Griffindorhousemate Accursolarum, aka Ms. Rochelle, has also posted videos about why not throwing your food at your parents is a good idea; just because people put their hands in front of their faces doesn’t mean they have gone away; and orange, the most energetic of colours. Her calm, measured tones are beloved by children (and their parents, except when see above) all over the world, and in France.
As part of her advocacy for children, Ms. Rochelle endorsed a Save the Children program to help starving toddlers in war zones across the world, including Sudan, Ukraine, the Democratic Republic of Congo and Gaza. Gaza? Gulp – yes, Gaza.
An organization called HallucinateAntisemitism immediately condemned Ms. Rochelle of hating Jews. Why? “She didn’t talk about how traumatic being a child in Israel is,” the group explained. “And frankly, it ain’t so hot for the adults, either. Any discussion of Gaza that doesn’t start with several minutes of condemnation of the October 7th attack and foreground the suffering of Israelis over anybody else is clearly antisemitic.”
“Every child in the world deserves to have enough food to grow up healthy and strong,” Ms. Rochelle controversially commented, poking every decent person in the world in the eye with a sharp stick (which she then used to roast marshmallows). She added fuel to the fire by continuing: “No child should ever go to sleep hungry. No child should ever have to go through their day malnourished.”
Unconscionable. How can such a monster live with herself?
HallucinateAntisemitism has written to Attorney General Pamela Electronbondi asking her to open an investigation into Ms. Rochelle under FARAH, the Foreign Agents Registration Act, Heinrich. The organization claims that she was paid by…somebody to post videos that are offensive to…somebody else in order to influence…another person.
“FARAH? Are you talking about Farrah Wayleakyfawcett? Oh, yeah, she was great. I did her, you know. Right there in the back of the -” started President Ronald McDruhitmumpf. When an aide cleared his throat meaningfully, the President looked at him like he had just confessed to being the one who farted, but the aide quietly corrected him. “Oh. The Ferking Agents…thing. Yeah, I have no problem with somebody being investigated using…that. Why would I?”
“We should, uhh, be very careful about throwing around accusations of foreign influence,” responded Director of National Unintelligence Tulsi Gabbardeenhaershyrt. “They’re very easy to make, and, you know, they could destroy innocent people’s lives. Yeah. So…yeah. Let’s not go there…”
“Foreign influence? I’ve got your Fenwickian influence right here, pal!” snorted Federal Bureau of Instigations Director Kash Patternovlibhell as he clutched his nether regions suggestively. “You wanna come after me? Expect a knock on the door in the middle of the night, motherferker! You could end up in a prison in Louisikota – or El Salvador! Foreign influence my ass! I’ll show you what foreign influence is really all about!”
A spokesperson for the FBI translated: “What the Director meant to say was that he cannot comment on a possible ongoing investigation.”
Director Patternovlibhell was hustled off the stage before he could dispute the aide, which the foam on his mouth indicated he was about to do.
As you can see, social injustice warrior, the culture wars are alive and well, so be sure to do your part and flame a libtard on social media today!