SPECIAL TO THE ALTERNATE REALITY NEWS SERVICE
ALEXANDER BIGGS-TUFTS-MANN: It’s a cold, dreary day here in the Vesampucceri Super Duper Dome –
ROBERTO GABRONORTIZER: Every day in the Vesampucceri Super Duper Dome is cold and dreary, Al.
BIGGS-TUFTS-MANN: You have a point Berto. But some days, the cold nips at your heels, and other days the cold gets into you bones and says to itself, “I could get used to this.” Some days, the dreariness makes you want to go back to bed and pretend the day never happened, some days the dreariness makes you want to drive into a crowd full of people you hate and hope the police make your end quick.
GABRONORTIZER: You know I hate to disagree with you, Big Guy –
BIGGS-TUFTS-MANN: Because I’m always right?
GABRONORTIZER: Because you’ve always been at the network seven years longer than I have.
BIGGS-TUFTS-MANN: Fair point.
GABRONORTIZER: Still, this seems more like a “so dreary you want to take your frustrations out on a homeless person” kind of day to me.
BIGGS-TUFTS-MANN: Reasonable people can agree to disagree.
GABRONORTIZER: And unreasonable people can suck paint fumes!
They laugh.
BIGGS-TUFTS-MANN: I’m Alexander Biggs-Tufts-Mann…
GABRONORTIZER: I’m Roberto Gabronortizer…
BIGGS-TUFTS-MANN: And you’ve tuned in to the finals of the 2024 Unlikely International Allies Cup, known by fans as the Who Do You Love? competition.
GABRONORTIZER: Excitement on Earth Prime 1-6-7-1-8-2 dash Psi has been mounting for the last three months as competitors ran faster, jumped farther, press released hopefullier than governments ever have before. Those who gave it 127% were disappointed to fall to those who gave 151% – and that was just in the first round of the tourney!
BIGGS-TUFTS-MANN: Any surprises for you in the first rounds, Berto?
GABRONORTIZER: I’ll tell you, The Duchy of Grand Fenwick was paired with three different allies in the first round, and didn’t make it to the second. For a country that is engaged in a disastrous war in Ukraine, you would have figured that they would realize that they could use all the help they could get!
BIGGS-TUFTS-MANN: You have a point, my friend. Still, with all its resources going to the war, Fenwick had little to give to its allies in return for their support, so it may have spread its diplomacy a little thin. I wouldn’t be surprised if Rupert Mountkilamanjoy, the Prime Minister of the Duchy, wasn’t shi – pooping bricks over this development. And not the golden kind his oligarchs prefer, but bricks made from the honest mud of the Nevasurrendah River that cuts through the heart of –
GABRONORTIZER: Uhh, Al?
BIGGS-TUFTS-MANN: Yeah?
GABRONORTIZER: I take what you’re saying, but, when bushel comes to shovel, nobody likes a loser.
BIGGS-TUFTS-MANN: Ain’t that the truth?
GABRONORTIZER: It certainly ain’t. (pause) What about you? Anything about this year’s competition surprise you?
BIGGS-TUFTS-MANN: Canada.
GABRONORTIZER: Canada?
BIGGS-TUFTS-MANN: Canada.
GABRONORTIZER: What about Canada?
BIGGS-TUFTS-MANN: The fact that it made it into the playoffs.
GABRONORTIZER: They’re a plucky team, the Canadians. Leave a trail of chicken feathers wherever they go.
BIGGS-TUFTS-MANN: Yeeee-aaaaahhh, but the alliance between the Gliberals and the New Dumbopratic Party? Not exactly Earth-shattering politics. Not even a minor tremor, really. More like an Earth hiccup, really.
GABRONORTIZER: Ooh, I have a great cure for hiccups. Take a sheep to the top of the highest mountain in your city at dawn and –
BIGGS-TUFTS-MANN: I’m sure it will make a great recipe for your cooking show.
GABRONORTIZER: What cooking show?
BIGGS-TUFTS-MANN: The one you’ll be hosting if you don’t get back to the subject we’re here to pundit on.
GABRONORTIZER: Right right. So, Al, do you have a favourite in the final match?
BIGGS-TUFTS-MANN: To be honest with you, I’m surprised Christian evangelists have stuck with Ronald McDruhitmumpf for as long as they have. I mean, the President-elect is an ambulatory anti-ten commandments! How many times can a man cheat on his wife, bear false witness against others or foment insurrection before you recognize that mayyyyybe he’s not an Earthly incarnation of Jesus? I think the evangelicals’ve shown a lot of grit sticking it out with him for as long as they have.
GABRONORTIZER: Would that be grit or self-delusion, Al?
BIGGS-TUFTS-MANN: They meet at infinity, Berto. They meet at infinity.
Philosophically ponderous dead air.
GABRONORTIZER: I agree. Christian Zionists know that Jewish Zionists know that Christian Zionists are only Zionists because they want all the Jews to move to Israel to be converted to Christianity or killed, but the Jewish Zionists ally themselves with the Christian Zionists anyway! Umm…could you follow that?
BIGGS-TUFTS-MANN: It was as straightforward as a hundred acre hedge maze.
GABRONORTIZER: I never cared much for crossword puzzles. The point is that if you’re willing to accept that your partner openly wants to genocide you, well, sir, that’s a relationship that can stand the test of time!
BIGGS-TUFTS-MANN: As it happens, Vegas doesn’t have an odds on favourite for the contest. Both sides are evenly matched, each having a horrific pre-post-season record. In short, it’s anybody’s game. Better buckle up – it could be a stormy four years. We’ll be right back after this brief commercial for McDruhitmumpf Sneakers – when you have to take a runner, McDruhitmumpf Sneakers will make you feet feel like they’re on turbojets!