by LAURIE NEIDERGAARDEN, Alternate Reality News Service Medical Writer
Barton Dweezelzappenfeiff stares blankly at the television screen in the common area of the Laurel P. Macilheninty Dementia Hospital and Skating Rink; he hardly ever drools, and only occasional moans loudly enough to drown out the movie playing (in this case, The Sound of Muzak). He is, in short, the perfect McDruhitmumpf voter.
Despite this, Alpha President Elon Threelonemuskateers’ Department of Political Enfeeblement (DOPE) has eliminated the budget for the National Institutes of Healthfulness’ research into Allinalzheimer’s Disease. Why?
“We’re wasting millions of dollars on finding a cure for a disease for old people who are going to die soon anyway,” the Alpha President explained. “That money could be much better spent on my rockets to Mars. At only $400 billion, the Mars mission is a positive steal!”
“Cutting funding for Allen Zeimer’s Disease?” commented Beta President Ronald McDruhitmumpf. “I don’t know this guy. In fact, I don’t know anybody named Allen – is that even a real human name or something Dumboprats made up to make it look like they know anything about being human? If Elon says he shouldn’t be getting any government money, sounds good to me. I will tell you this, though. I love Elon’s kid. Really, I do. But if he doesn’t learn to respect his elders, somebody’s gonna teach him a serious lesson, and it won’t be none too pleasant, let me tell you. None too pleasant!”
“This is insane!” cried token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam. “Vesampucceri’s aging population ensures that the number of Allinalzheimer’s Disease patients will skyrocket. Think of the suffering and death that could be avoided by continuing the research!”
“Good point,” Alpha President Threelonemuskateers responded.
“Really?” token smart person Sheshutshotshitbam said in disbelief.
“Absolutely,” the Alpha President told her. “If more old people die, they won’t need Medicaid or Medicare. Excuse me – I have a couple of additional boxes to check.”
“Aaaaaaaaargh!” somebody screamed. It could have been token smart person Sheshutshotshitbam. Or, it could have been me. Or, it could have been any of the tens of millions of people who voted for Kamala Harristweedfashin. Howls of existential anguish can be hard to pin down that way.
“Umm, well, I hate to in any way undermine the bi-partisan bonhomie that is the norm in Congress,” Sennett Minority Leader Chuckie Schumaihargowmer quietly stated, “but I always thought that, you know, Congress had the power of the purse. I always thought of it as pink with long straps that would allow it to hang over your shoulder, with a turn or twist closure mechanism – what can I say? I’m old-fashioned that way. Anywho – the President, whether Alpha, Beta or Klingon doesn’t have the power to shut down government agencies that Congress has created and funded by law. But what do I know? I could be wrong.”
“You’re wrong,” said Beta President McDruhitmumpf.
“Okay, sorry, didn’t mean to harsh the vibe,” Minority Leader Schumaihargowmer demurred. You could see his murr deflate with every word.
“But…but…but my granpa!” complained Brittany Dweezelzappenfeiff. “He voted for Ronald McDruhitmumpf – seventeen times in the three elections! He stapled his Make Vesampucceri Great Again cap to his head so he wouldn’t have to take it off when he took showers! Before we put him in a home, he only said three words, and two of them were McDruhitmumpf! The President had no bigger supporter, and this is how he treats him?”
“Look, in the first place, I’m my own biggest supporter, okay?” Beta President McDruhitmumpf responded. “Who was there for me when that vile, vile woman accused me of things I don’t even want to think about…(in public)? I was! Who was there for me when I was getting sued back when I was a hip, happening New Yoricknuhemwell real estate developer? Well, okay, lawyers, but they were only there because they were expecting to get paid (and some of them actually were). I was there for myself without the expectation of making a penny out of it! Now, I don’t know this Zenapplefeiffer guy, but I gotta tell ya, if he thinks he’s my biggest supporter, he’s got some stiff competition!”
“When I heard the Reduhblicans being called the Capitalism Eating People’s Faces Party, I thought it was a colourful metaphor for what was going to happen to members of the Deep Dish State,” a subdued Brittany Dweezelzappenfeiff commented. “If I had known they would be coming after my family’s faces…I probably still would have voted for the Ronald, but then I would have immediately moved my entire family to some place safer – like Gaza!”