Headlines from Billy-Bob’s International House O’ Headlines, as collected by the staff of The Daily Me.
Camel…Eye Of A Needle…Rich Man…Gates Of Heaven – Ringing Any Bells?
“When faith goes to work
The Bible doesn’t say it is wrong to be successful, Christian businesspeople say”
– National Post
Kubrick The Writer Ain’t
“Stop worrying, and learn to love trade deficits”
– Globe and Mail
And The Sun Rose This Morning And The Maple Leafs Didn’t Make The Playoffs – This Is News?
“Reactor repairs confirmed over budget
Bruce work may cost 24% more, report says”
– Toronto Star
Well, Sure, Anbar Province Is Safe Compared To Hiroshima, But That Doesn’t Mean That I Want To Live There
“Apocalypse now?
The peaceful atom is safe compared to Hiroshima”
– National Post
Because, Let’s Be Honest, Fat Terrorists Don’t Look Good On The Tapes Where They Claim Responsibility For Shit
“Terror training or dieting?”
– Toronto Star headline over an article in which one of the Muslims accused of plotting terrorist attacks within Canada claimed that he and the other people at a summer camp were there to hang out and maybe lose some weight
We’re Not Short, We’re Spinally Disadvantaged
“Short men shortchanged by women
Females biologically programmed to prefer tall guys, documentary says”
– Toronto Star
I Hope You Washed It First
“She wore it on TV, now I’m wearing it
Oprah’s closet”
– National Post
Has Anybody Told Jim Flaherty?
“Canada scores high on infrastructure, trade”
– Globe and Mail
They Saw Women In Half, Then, Uhh, Leave Them For Somebody Else To Put Back Together Again
“The magic of index funds”
– Toronto Star
No – They’re Brain Damaged
“Market disconnect
Amid talk of recession, housing slump and job losses, stocks are bumping up against all-time highs. Are investors too confident?”
– Toronto Star
The Words Every Candidate Fears To Hear
“Michael Moore endorses Obama for President”
– Globe and Mail
How Does It Feel Now That The Jihad Is On The Other Foot?
“Saudi blogger’s video portrays Christianity as religion of violence”
– National Post
Of Course Not! It’s Not Like Anybody Lives On The Planet Any More
“Is Earth Day still relevant 18 years on?”
– Toronto Star
You Know, Somehow I Don’t Think Even Don Martin Could Make This Thing Funny
“And now, the lighter side of ‘this ABCP nightmare’”
– Globe and Mail
Kids Really Do Have Their Own Language – Honest (Or, Do I Mean Really?)
“Real talk
Instead of keeping it real, a grown-up Atmosphere focus on keeping their hip-hop honest”
– eye Weekly
If He Did, Hillary Clinton Would Probably Accuse Him Of Sexual Harrassment
“Can Obama clinch it?”
– Toronto Star
They Can Stick Their Concerns Up Their Waziristan (I Don’t Think That Even Makes Sense – I Just Like Saying Waziristan)
“U.S. concerned over Pakistani peace talks with Taliban militants in volatile Waziristan”
– Globe and Mail
They’ve Lost Liquidity…Their Syrup Is No Longer So Sweet…Their Bubbles Are Bursting – There’s Plenty More Where This Came From, Folks…
“Hard times hitting soft drink giant
Weak US economy dilutes quarterly profit, taking fizz out of stock”
– Toronto Star
My Guess Would Be Farqhuarson In Accounts – I Never Trusted Him!
“Who put gum under my desk?”
– National Post
Oh, Yeah. Well, That Would Have Been My Second Guess
“The last, great kid-free zone is under siege”
– National Post sub-head under the headline about gum
They Should Feel Free To Start At Any Time
“Tories can deliver sound economic policies, PM says”
– Toronto Star
I Predict…Embarrassed Section Editors…
“Skeptics act
British psychics predict new laws will force them to post disclaimers”
– National Post, News section
“British fortune-tellers and mediums are upset over new legislation
Didn’t see it coming”
– National Post, Financial Post section, same article, same issue of the newspaper
That’s Goodaska To Knowilsk
“Deripaska buys stake in Norilsk”
– Toronto Star
The Good News Is That The Sun Will Still Come Up Tomorrow; The Bad News Is That Shaw Cable Wants To Charge You For It
“There’s good news and bad as the CRTC hearings wrap up”
– Globe and Mail
I Know Movie Reviewing Isn’t An Exact Science, And Yet…
“Harold and Kumar take aim with sharp lampoons”
– positive Toronto Star review that gives Harold & Kumar Escape From Guantanamo Bay two and a half stars
“This baby’s ill-conceived”
– negative Toronto Star review a page later that gives Baby Mama…two and a half stars