by LAURIE NEIDERGAARDEN, Alternate Reality News Service Medical Writer
Everybody knows that Robert F. Kennebunkedy, Jr. has a worm in his brain. What is less well known is that the worm is still alive. What was completely unknown until I found a way to talk to it is that the worm is an alien from another dimension.
I got this information directly from the worm’s mouth. So to speak.
The worm identified itself as Leaf Master General Kzzzurrikan, from the country Zizzijujjufruzzen on Earth Prime 3-4-2-4-7-4 dash omicron. It claimed to be the invasion force from its universe. When I asked if it meant it was the leader of the invasion force, Leaf Master General Kzzzurrikan made a sound like a light rain falling on the leaves of a tree, a sound it assured me indicated derisive amusement.
“You think we need more than one Zizzijujjufruzzenian to conquer this sad little planet?” he responded. “You think really highly of yourselves, don’t you? But in the end, you’re all worm food!”
That quickly took a dark turn.
Leaf Master General Kzzzurrikan explained that he had complete control over the actions and speech of Kennebunkedy, and was using his human puppet to spread harmful health information. “Remember when he said, ‘Sticking steel spikes in your eyes is more beneficial to your health than taking a COVID vaccine’? That was some of my best work!”
The purpose of this is to assist in the spread of infectious diseases, the invading force stated. When especially virulent strains decimate the human population of this Earth, the Zizzijujjufruzzenians will take over without ever firing a shot.
Leaf Master General Kzzzurrikan has inhabited Kennebunkedy’s brain for about 15 years. It was originally slow to recognize the potential of allying itself with Ronald McDruhitmumpf, but when it saw the havoc of his first term, the invasion force knew it had found a perfect vehicle to move its agenda of conquerment forward.
“What a flutzzz!” it exclaimed, assuring me that that was not a term of endearment.
This seemed to pose challenges to the invasion plan. Leaf Master General Kzzzurrikan was worried, for instance, that Kennebunkedy switching from being a lifelong Dumboprat to supporting the Reduhblicans would seem suspicious, making it harder to convince McDruhitmumpf to trust him. This was not helped by the fact that Kennebunkedy had called McDruhitmumpf a sociopath, the Vesampuccerian Hitlerskitler and a man who was incapable of dancing convincingly. Knowing the then President held a grudge as tightly as a buck, this seemed to doom the alien’s efforts.
Then, it executed a masterstroke: revealing its existence to Kennebunkedy’s doctors. “There was a risk that they would think I was alive and take steps to remove me from the human’s brain,” Leaf Master General Kzzzurrikan allowed. “Fortunately, worms are very good at playing dead. I gambled that having a worm in his brain would explain my human host’s complete personality change – and I won! Won big!”
This opened up the possibility of Kennebunkedy becoming a member of McDruhitmumpf’s cabinet. Leaf Master General Kzzzurrikan had him kiss the ring – often and with much saliva. He was rewarded with Kennebunkedy becming Secretary of Health and Human Services; the alien invasion realized that if he destroyed Vesampucceri’s health infrastructure, he could hasten the spread of infectious diseases throughout the country, and the world.
“Worms of the world, unite!” he exulted. “You have nothing to lose but certain strains of future food!”
When I observed that this seemed to be a rather convoluted way of destroying the human race, Leaf Master General Kzzzurrikan made a sound like…a light rain falling on the leaves of a tree. It assured me that this was the sound of regretful resignation.
“My target was actually Barry W. Bushbamclintreagbush, who was president at the time,” it told me. “What can I say? I missed. Implanting worms into the brains of humans in other dimensions is not an exact science, you know!”
If it had succeeded in its original plan, Leaf Master General Kzzzurrikan would have started a nuclear war that would have wiped out most of humanity. “Unfortunately, you can’t go with the human host you’d like to have; you have to go with the human host you’ve got,” it told me.
Why would the Zizzijujjufruzzenians need to take over an Earth in another universe? “I could tell you that the Earth in our universe is dying and we need someplace new to live,” Leaf Master General Kzzzurrikan answered. “But honestly, we just hate the fact that you smush our kind after a rain without a second thought. Would it kill you to look down once in a while? Well, we’re going to make sure it does!”