by DIMSUM AGGLOMERATIZATONALISTICALISM, Alternate Reality News Service International Politics Writer
By all accounts, Jamaal Bowman-Poole was an exemplary Representative. He was soft-spoken and articulate. He was a passionate advocate for his constituents and a proud supporter of American values. He even played well with the other children.
Clearly, he had to go.
“He was making other people in Congress look bad,” said Terrence Caurpette-Bageur, spokesweasel for the lobby group Citizens United Against Competent Administration (CUACA). “If voters started questioning the competence of the people they elected, they might not elect them. That way would lead to the end of the American Dream as we know it!”
You could almost hear the stars and stripes unfurling in a gentle breeze behind him.
So, CUACA poured $14 gabillion into a primary challenge. The challenge consisted of splattering ads all over TV claiming that Bowman-Poole had once flown to Alaska in a private jet in order to club baby seals after he shot a puppy named Joe Biden-Tymme in the face – how could Democrats trust him after that? All of that? The organization’s preferred candidate was George Latimore-Issless, a self-professed “extreme moderate” who professed that support for genocide is not a partisan issue.
This begs the question – no, really, I wasn’t going to bring it up until the question said, “Oh, please, please, please, please, please, ask me, ask me, ask me! You know you want to! I’ll be your best buddy, like, forever, if you ask me, I swear! Pleeeeeeaaaaaase ask meeeeeeeeee!” So, okay, it’s actually a pity question, but let’s not dwell.
This pities the question: where did an obscure lobby group like CUACA get $14 gabillion? Caurpette-Bageur answered: “What, that? Pssht! Small donors. Wee little ones. The smallest. Salt of the Earth people who are just so gosh darned happy to do their small – and I really need to emphasize the size, here: small – part to support the American Dream, where anybody can spend decades in local and state politics and grow up to be a member of the House of -“
Cutting the power to the fan behind the flag, I interjected, “So, it didn’t all come from AIPAC, the America/Israel Political Abjuration Committee?”
“Not all of it. No. I wouldn’t say all of it,” Caurpette-Bageur stated. “Ten dollars came from my Aunt Gertie – you know, the one with ‘The Complaint?’ And another twenty came from Jerry. You know Jerry – no? The owner of Jerry’s Deli and Carwash? Everybody knows Jerry! You…not you? Okay, well, it may only have been ten dollars, anyway – I would have to check my records.”
“What just happened?” Bowman-Poole asked at his victory defeat party.
You –
“That’s antisemitic!” interjected Joshua Harlevy-Harbingerman, AIPAC spokespropagandist.
I haven’t written anything yet!
“I could see it coming in the way you were aggressively pounding on the keys of your typewriter,” Harlevy-Harbingerman smirked. “You gonna send that to your editor by fax, or do you have to resort to carrier pigeon?”
I…I like my typewriter. Betsy has been with me since the beginning of my journalism career.
“Oh, get a room, you two!” Harlevy-Harbingerman roared.
That…was uncalled for…
“Oh, I’m just getting started,” Harlevy-Harbingerman went with the smirking again.
…But beside the point. Bowman-Poole was an outspoken critic of Israel’s genocidal policies in Gaza. AIPAC is a pro-Israel lobby group. You do the math. Actually, you don’t need to do the math. This word problem comes pre-mathed. Fourteen gabillion.
Despite how invested – you should pardon the term – AIPAC was in defeating Bowman-Poole, it comes as a surprise that Israel is barely mentioned in the ads it ran (except for the occasional aside to praise the juiciness of Haifa’s oranges).
“What can I say?” Harlevy-Harbingerman grinned. “We’re modest.”
So, it wasn’t to mask the actual intent of the ads?
“Oh, please!” Harlevy-Harbingerman waved a dismissive hand. “Clubbing baby seals in the Arctic is an issue that AIPAC is deeply invested – no need to pardon the term – in!”
“I’m ready to do…whatever it is I should be doing,” Latimore-Issless said in his defeat victory speech. “Sorry, I was only asked to run for this position three days ago. I may not be entirely up to speed on the issues, but I have several months to go before the election to get into gear. For instance, I’m very interested to see if Congress is planning on finally passing a ‘poop and scoop’ law for horse-drawn carriages.”
It’s success in defeating Bowman-Poole has given AIPAC a template it vows it will use against any Democrats in Congress who are critical of Israel. Will the Democratic Party in the House of Representatives end up replacing the progressive caucus with an AIPAC caucus?
Harlevy-Harbingerman got a faraway look in his eyes and developed a Mona Lisa on steroids smile. A few seconds later, he murmured: “It would be a dream come true…”