SPECIAL TO THE ALTERNATE REALITY NEWS SERVICE
The news cycle happens so fast it could make your head spin (unfortunately, the term “spin cycle” has already accrued a different meaning). We now know that the Federal Bureau of Instigations has executed a search warrant on Mara-Lara-Dingdong, the residence of former President Ronald McDruhitmumpf. After that, things get a little…hazy. If your interest in national politics is soft, you may find it hard to focus (the term “soft focus” also has its own long-standing meaning – Gordarnit, where’s Shakeaspeararetoo when you need a new word‽).
As a service to readers, the Alternate Reality News Service has put together a timeline. Hopefully, this will clarify the sequence of events – the sequents – no, the sequence of events – this is too serious for word play. We may be good at timelines, but we are terrible at coining new words!
11:31:27am: The FBI knocks on the front door of Mara-Lara-Dingdong and hands the person who opens it (either a maid or a security guard, or a security guard role-playing being a maid, or a maid dressing for the job she really wanted) a search warrant claiming that boxes of classified information have been illegally transported there. A dozen officers enter the premises.
11:37:29am: Former President McDruhitmumpf issues a press release claiming that “FBI stormtroopers stormtrooped through my beautiful, innocent, even virginal home at Mara-Lara-Dingdong. Nothing like this has ever happened to a President of the United States before! This is Prosecutorial Misconduct, the Weaponization of the Justice System, and an Attack by the Radical Left DumbopraTs who DeSperaTely don’t wANt ME to run for PrEsIDeNt in 2024. Such an ASSault could only takE placE in Third World Countries. Sadly, Vesampucceri has become one of those CoUNtries. They even opened the safe behind the nude portrait of Queen Victoria! (Hey, don’t be like that – it’s art! Sure, she may be a hottie, but the painting is art! You perv – hee hee.) This is bad, people! The worst!”
11:37:30am: Former President McDruhitmumpf issues a letter to his followers telling them, “THEY’RE COMING FOR YOU! Give money to me!” (His followers know that this letter is more serious than the previous press release because it has more capitals per word.)
11:37:33am: Senator Ted Downandmotleycrewz tweets: “This was not a legitimate raid, it’s a politically motivated assault on an ex-President’s freedom! If Garlandownership wants to prove it’s legit, he needs to release the search warrant. NOW!”
11:37:33am: Eric McDruhitmumpf, son of the former President, goes on Foxindehenhaus News and says: “Bogus as a three dollar carnival barker! If Garlandownership wants anybody to believe this wasn’t a fishing expedition – well, yeah, he should put away the rod and reel – and those worms don’t look too healthy, if you know what I mean – but, most important of all, he must release the search warrant to the public!
11:37:33am: @funkycoldspadina posts an image of Attorney General Garlandownership in a clown costume to alt.discussion.outtherepolitics on the Deep Dark Web with the caption: “IF U WANT TO BE TAKEN SERIOUS, RELEASE THE SAERCH WARRANT!”
11:37:35am: Former President McDruhitmumpf tells Foxindehenhaus and Fiends, “What’s the big deal? I wanted to take some documents home so I could study them overnight. I was the hardest working President in show business! So I issued a standing order that any documents I wanted to take off government property were immediately declassified. No problemo! The real scandal here is the barbaric raid on my home!”
11:37:38am: Attorney General Merrick Garlandownership petitions a judge to release the search warrant that led to the search of Mara-Lara-Dingdong.
11:37:42am: Magistrate Judge Bruce Reinhartandsouelo accedes to the petition to release the search warrant.
11:37:39am: The Department of Injustice releases the warrant.
11:37:40am: Senator Downandmotleycrewz tweets: “The search warrant told us nothing we didn’t already know. Which was nothing. If Garlandownership wants to prove it’s legit, he needs to release the affidavit that justified the search warrant that led to the raid on President McDruhitmumpf’s home. NOW! SOONER THAN NOW! THREE DAYS AGO!”
11:37:40am: Eric McDruhitmumpf goes on Foxindehenhaus News and says: “I never seen a search warrant this flimsy in all of my life – and I’ve seen a lot of them in my life, let me tell you! They’re square – no, rectangular pieces of paper with all sorts of words on them and a date and signature at the bottom. Which is what we need to get to. The DoI needs to release the affidavit that justified the search warrant that led to the raid on dad’s home.”
11:37:40am: @funkycoldspadina posts an image of a gun being held to the head of a cute puppy to alt.discussion.outtherepolitics on the Deep Dark Web with the caption: “RELEASE THE AFFIDAVID OR FIDO GETS IT!”
11:37:42am: According to former McDruhitmumpf adviser Steve O’Bannonallhope, the Deep Dish State will attempt to kill the former President with an exploding cigar. “That just shows you how desperate they are – the President doesn’t even smoke!”
11:37:42am: According to former Reduhblican administration official Kash Patelondahead, McDruhitmumpf “can literally stand over a set of documents and say these are now declassified and that is done with definitive action immediately.”
11:37:43am: Reduhblican Senator Rand Paulonaldaphun goes on Foxindehenhaus News to claim that the FBI planted evidence. “Were you there? No, of course you weren’t. So, how do you know what was in the boxes they took, and what they added? Nobody knows! We need an investigation to get to the bottom of this investigation.”
11:37:44am: The Washburningdington Post reports that many of the documents found at Mara-Lara-Dingdong had something to do with nuclear something something something.
11:37:44am: Reduhblican Representative Kevin McCartilagebreak holds a press conference in which he is reported to say, “Did somebody say we need an investigation. If I am chosen Speaker of the House after the mid-term elections – oh, blessed day! – you bet your bippy’s ass that there will be an investigation of this criminal behaviour!”
11:37:44am: Reduhblican Representative Elise Stefanickewick sends out a press release which reads: “Joe Bidenhisbeeswax’ FBI and Department of Injustice have been fully weaponized against their political opponents. It is an absolute outrageous abuse of power and unVesampuccerian for these agencies to raid the home of President McDruhitmumpf.”
11:37:45am: “Defund the FBI” t-shirts, coffee mugs, fridge magnets and temporary tattoos appear on the merch page of Representative Marjorie Taylormaid Fortrubble’ web site.
11:37:46am: Throughout the Deep Dark Web references to “civil war” and “locked and load” and “Howdy Doody’s fake nose” proliferate.
11:37:48am: A man attacks an FBI office in Ohiana with a stapler; he is killed before he can employ a flamethrower he was carrying inside a gym bag.
11:38:37am: On MSNBC, Dumbopratic Representative Adam Howetuschiffdablamé states: “The documents that were planted by the FBI were at the same time declassified by the former President? That makes about as much sense as a sugar producer advertising in the program of the Vesampuccerian Dental Association! And Ronald McDruhitmumpf taking top secret documents home overnight to study them? Oh, please! He reads at a grade three level! To make sure he paid attention to them, his daily briefings were given in the form of comic strips! As for the accusation that the DoI has been weaponized, well, there hasn’t been a case of projection this obvious since the first public screening of Lumiere’s Cinematographe!
11:38:39am: Foxindehenhaus and Fiends runs a picture of Magistrate Judge Reinhartandsouelo getting a foot massage from pedophile enabler Ghislaine Maxwellcavotti.
11:38:40am: Antisemitic vitriol is directed against Magistrate Judge Reinhartandsouelo.
11:38:40am: Foxindehenhaus and Fiends host Brian KissMeadekilmeadenow announces that the image was a composite, that Magistrate Judge Reinhartandsouelo wasn’t originally in it, that it was just a joke and, jeez, why are people taking it so seriously?
11:38:41am: The antisemitic attacks against Magistrate Judge Reinhartandsouelo intensify.
11:38:41am: The Department of Injustice quietly pores over the documents it has found…