1. Are we at war in Afghanistan?
2. Who with?
3. Who are we fighting against?
4. Well, okay, then, who are our allies?
5. You’re not being very helpful, are you?
6. Touchy, aren’t we?
7. How many Canadians have died so far?
8. How –
8a) How did we end up fighting a war in Afghanistan – aren’t Canadians traditionally peacemakers?
9) What? I didn’t know anything about this! How could the government extend the war in Afghanistan two years without my knowing?
10) But –
11) What enemy?
12) What? Why are we the enemy?
13) How did the Conservatives pull this off?
14) They were allowed to get away with this?
15) Why are Canadian troops at war in Afghanistan? Really?
16) It seems hard to believe that that is the reason Canadian troops are fighting in Afghanistan.
17) Well, yeah, I kind of did.
1. Are we at war in Afghanistan?
Yes.
Do you mean who are we fighting against or who are our allies?
3. Who are we fighting against?
Uhh, can I get back to you on that?
4. Well, okay, then, who are our allies?
Uhh, can I get back to you on that?
5. You’re not being very helpful, are you?
This is a frequently unasked questions file. A questions file. If you want answers, you should find a Frequently Unstated Answers file.
I’m like that when my country is at war.
7. How many Canadians have died so far?
Three. Barely enough to be allowed to drive using the car pool lane.
Sorry, make that four Canadians who have died in Afghanistan. Still, that’s barely enough for a good game of bridge, and we have no idea if any of them even played bridge.
8a) How did we end up fighting a war in Afghanistan – aren’t Canadians traditionally peacemakers?
Most people think of war and peace as absolutes. Of course, things aren’t that simple: there is a sliding scale of conflicts, starting with peace, then protest, then violent protest (aka: riots), then insurrection (aka: civil war), then guerrilla warfare, shading into civil war and, eventually, soccer hooliganism then international war. Six years ago, the Martin Liberals committed troops to keep the peace in Afghanistan. At some point since then, Canada slid down the scale to war. Ouch. Of course, the Harper Conservatives – who have watched far too many Rambo movies for anybody’s good – like the idea of the country being at war, so they extended Canada’s commitment to an official war in Afghanistan for two more years.
9) What? I didn’t know anything about this! How could the government extend the war in Afghanistan two years without my knowing?
You must have blinked.
Look, this is a stealth war. The purpose of a stealth war is to keep crucial information from the enemy.
The Canadian people.
12) What? Why are we the enemy?
Because, as best as anybody in Ottawa can figure, Canadians appear to feel as though they shouldn’t be sending their sons and daughters into a killing zone to appease the imperial ambitions of their neighbour. I don’t get it, either, but there it is. (Oops – eight Canadians have died in Afghanistan. We might want to start thinking about turning that friendly bridge game into a tournament.)
13) How did the Conservatives pull this off?
They gave the House of Commons three days notice of the motion to extend the war and six hours to debate it. To put this in perspective, that’s slightly more time than the House needed to listen to a speech by Australian Prime Minister John Howard in which he came to Canada to praise…the United States, but not as much time as it used to debate whether or not Cheese Whiz is an actual cheese product. Of course, hardly any Canadians died as a result of those House actions.
14) They were allowed to get away with this?
Prime Minister Harper said he would extend the mission for a year if the motion didn’t pass, just in time for the cowardly Liberal lack of support for the troops to become an election issue. Even so, the bill only passed by four votes, 149 to 145. That’s only a third of the 12 Canadians that have been killed in Afghanistan since the sort of kind of maybe undeclared declaration of war.
15) Why are Canadian troops at war in Afghanistan? Really?
Really? Newspaper columnists like Rosie DiManno and Christie Blatchford were getting stale. People soon got tired of their pieces on how poor single mothers were ripping off the welfare system, so they turned their attention to crime. This gave them some new possibilities: they could write about how poor single welfare mothers were breeding a generation of criminals, or on how poor single welfare mothers were betrayed by their evil children, whom they had slaved to the bone to give breaks they didn’t have. But, eventually, even these pieces got tired. Now, they can talk about the brave men and women who are making something of themselves despite their poor single welfare mothers.
16) It seems hard to believe that that is the reason Canadian troops are fighting in Afghanistan.
You thought it was about fighting terrorism, bringing democracy to a troubled part of the world and otherwise being violent but lovable boy scouts all over the place?
17) Well, yeah, I kind of did.
You’ve got a great career ahead of you as an Ottawa reporter. (As long as you can count. In a macabre Sesame Street learning opportunity way, the Canadian death toll in Afghanistan is now 21, with no end in sight. Maybe the whole debacle will teach our children something.)