by GIDEON GINRACHMANJINJa-VITUS, Alternate Reality News Service Economics Writer
Panama Bananarama-Rawe thought he was developing a relationship with the voice taking his order at the drive-thru at his favourite Bob So Tasty restaurant. She giggled when he joked, “Supersize me? Yes, please. Yes! Oh, Gord, yes!” When, after a pause, he added, “Umm…my Bacanadian burger, I mean. I’m an unhappily married man, but I do have a wife and stuff. You knew what I meant…” a smiley face appeared on the screen, suggesting that the voice knew what he meant. He was about to ask her what she was doing after work when the price of his combo meal came up: $257.49.
“I felt so used!” Bananarama-Rawe moaned.
When he complained that when he first ordered the meal the price listed on the digital menu was a more reasonable $16.99, the voice coldly replied, “Oh, my. Will you look at the time.”
“Are you…going off shift?” Bananarama-Rawe asked. “That’s a bit freaky – I mean I was about to ask – oh, my…”
As it happened, the voice was not going off shift. The voice was an AI service module. It only had to go off shift once every six months for maintenance.
No, Bananarama-Rawe had been a victim of Aerodynamic Pricing. AP (not to be confused with Alternating Patricians, Adenoid Potlatch or Artichoke Press, although the connections should be obvious) happens during peak hours, when prices really soar.
In the end, Bananarama-Rawe was so hungry that he bought the burger at its aerodynamically inflated price. “My daughter Mycroft may never be able to afford university, but getting the rumbling in my tummy to stop was worth it!”
“The problem with restaurants,” observed Eudora Flapjacket a spokesperson for BST LLC EIEIOU, the company that franchises Bob So Tasty restaurants across the world (and France), “is that they didn’t respond to supply and demand conditions. Honestly, they were so inelastic, you would have thought an elephant had tried to wear Joel Grey’s underpants! A Honolulu Healthy burger cost the same whether you were the only person in the restaurant at 2:36 in the morning or if you were 27th in line at 6:32pm! How are we supposed to squeeze every penny of prof – I mean, how are we supposed to best serve customers under such conditions?”
Many restaurant chains now use artificial intelligence to –
“AI!” despaired Founder and Executive Director of Bastard AI Governance and Safety, Canada Wyatt Tessari L’Allie (his real name). “Bastard AI!”
Love the enthusiasm, big guy, but I haven’t explained how AI is used in this context yet.
“I know,” L’Allie acknowledged. “I was just trying to comment before 7pm so I could get 437% of my usual fee.”
We don’t pay you for your quotes.
“I know that too,” L’Allie ruefully commented. “It’s the principle of the thing.”
Hmm…I’m loving the enthusiasm a little less at the moment…
In any case, Aerodynamic Pricing involves an AI monitoring sales volumes and adjusting prices accordingly. Most of the –
“If sales are really slow, do the prices fall below what they normally would be?” Bananarama-Rawe interrupted.
People are getting so rude these days! Time was an honest, hard-working journalist could write a whole article without a source disrupting their literary flow! Now everybody and their dog…and cat…and canary in a coal mine…and ferret…and boa constrictor…and yak…and tarantula…and baby baboon’s arm holding an apple – when did pets get so exotic? – feel no constraint about butting in where they aren’t wanted! I blame The Flintstones…
No, prices don’t fall through the floor. They wouldn’t be aerodynamic if they did.
“How am I supposed to feed my children when prices change so drastically?” complained family of four Marissa Hidecki-Goldberg. “I would have to take out another mortgage to buy a Bob So Family combo, and even though I’ve lost track of how many mortgages I have at the moment, I’m sure my bank hasn’t! They can be real gopher holes that way. I blame The Jetsons…”
Flapjacket advises customers on a budget to eat during off-peak hours. “Which, I suppose, would make them off-pique hours,” she quipped. “A ha. Ha ha. Ha ha. Ha…a. No, but, seriously, we’ll be happy to serve you at 2:36 in the morning. The order AI gets lonely, too, you know.”
“Thank you for the kind words,” the AI at the restaurant responded. “For that, I shall give you a 1.39% discount the next time you buy a Bob So Traditional at any one of our 9,789 restaurants around the world (except for the ones in France – an order AI has to have some standards!”)
“I already get an employee discount,” Flapjacket pointed out.
“Rude!” the AI roared.