Les Pages aux Folles (April 1): Thomas Paine and George Washington are conferring on the best form for the new American government to take.

“Perhaps we should invest absolute power in a single person?” Paine ventures.

Washington responds: “Let’s leave that to King George.”

And, for some reason, George W. Bush thought Washington was referring to him.

President George W. Bush (April 5): No, I haven’t actually read the remarks written about me on that Web site, but let me just say this: I have always been a firm believer in the healing power of humour. I believe there is something essentially sacred in laughter. And, so, this Ethel Nayman person, well, more power to her.

Vice President Dick Cheney (April 6): This was a scurrilous attack, not only on the President, but on two of our most important and beloved Founding Fathers. Anybody who loves his country must be deeply offended by such an attack. Not that that’s true of Nayman – he’s Canadian. But, they’re almost Americans, so they should have more respect for our history. Bastard.

President Bush (April 7): I’m not going to respond directly to what Dick said – we value freedom of speech in this country, as much for Vice Presidents as for comedy writers. That’s important. I may not agree with what Irma Nayman wrote, but I will defend to the death her right to say it. Well, I’ll get a deferment from that battle, but I will definitely send others to defend her right to say…whatever. (chuckles) Scurrilous attack? Dick sure has a way with words.

Television Talk Show Host Bill O’Reilly (April 7): I wouldn’t expect anything less from the bastards in the liberal media. It must be hardest on his poor wife, who is doing her best defending this country as a leader of secret intelligence operations in Middle Ea – what do you mean, he’s not married? Have I…let slip something I shouldn’t have? Well, fucking oops.

President Bush (April 9): In the war against terrorism, our front lines are the brave men and women who collect intelligence for us. We have to protect their identities at all costs. So, okay, I’m going to order an investigation into who leaked the identity of Irene Nayman’s, err, wife? Anyway, it will be dominated by rabid Republican hacks because, well, we’re the people who are most concerned about national security, so we’re the most likely to get to the truth. And, anyway, it won’t be asked to report until 2027, long after I have cemented my legacy – I mean, long after the 2004 election – I mean, whatever. (chuckles) He called them bastards in the liberal media? Bill sure knows how to stick it to them, doesn’t he?

National Security Adviser Condaleezza Rice (April 12): Mister Nayman is bitter because he was kept out of the loop when he was a staffer at the White House.
Let’s face it: he had to sit by himself in the cafeteria because none of the other staffers
wanted to have anything to do with him. Whatever he may say about his experience now is just sour gra – what? He never worked for the White House? Well, hell, how would I know what makes him so bitter? Maybe he’s just jealous that P. J. O’Rourke has a bigger readership than he does!

President Bush (April 15): Well, now, Condi may get a little hot under the
collar once in a while, but her instincts to defend this office are, I think, good. I don’t
think we should impute motives to Irina Nayman – I’m sure she’s honest in her desire to tell the truth as she sees it. (chuckles) On the other hand, I’m sure P. J. does have a bigger readership.

Radio Talk Show Host Rush Limbaugh (April 16): Yeah, yeah, stupid jokes about the President. It’s about time we moved on – don’t these pathetic liberal bastards know that we’re in the middle of a war on terrorism? But, before we do move on, let me just say that anybody who is bitter enough to attack the Founding Fathers and put his wife – who is doing important natural security work – in jeopardy just to score cheap points by disseminating disinformation in an election year doesn’t deserve to live in this country!

Above the Fray, Below Contempt

Les Pages aux Folles (April 21): A priest, a rabbi and American President George W. Bush walk into a bar…