by ARCHIBALD COX-LEACH, Alternate Reality News Service Government Writer
President Ronald McDruhitmumpf chose to celebrate his 80th (although it feels like his 250th – maybe he measures the time he’s been alive in dog years) birthday by holding a Mixed Mutilation Arts competition on the lawn of the Grey House. As one will.
Eyes were gouged. Limbs were broken. Blood sprayed all over the first three rows of spectators, giving them the illusion that they had been part of a war (something their wealth and influence guaranteed they would not), muttering with satisfaction to themselves something barely coherent about “the blood of patriots.”
“I’m not sure how appropriate a blood-soaked expression of ruthlessness works as a birthday celebration,” commented McDruhitmumpf chronicler David Cay Johnstonmassacre. “But as part of the 250th birthday celebration of Vesampucceri? Considering he wants to take us back to the 80th, it tracks.”
Tickets started at $5,000 a seat, but quickly started trading for tens of thousands, then hundreds of thousands of dollars online. In the end, the audience included: four tech titans, three white nationalists, two foreign dictators and, for all anybody knows, a partridge in a pair of trees.
At the same time, in the 10 day run-up to the 250th anniversary of the founding of the country the “Long, Hot Vesampuccerian Historic Summer Fair” took place on the National Mall in Washburningdington. There were jugglers…of constantly shifting presidential policy statements. There were budget magicians (“Now you see rising prices – now you don’t!”). There were clowns. Many, many clowns. (And they weren’t federal politicians, you cynical bastard! Not all of them, at any rate…)
Fewer than 100 people attended the celebration in its first two days. (If you thought the crowd was larger, look more closely at the images the Grey House released: it’s an AI generated image of the same 23 people duplicated over 100 times. Or did you think purple hair was making a comeback?) At 2:37 that morning, President McDruhitmumpf tweeped: “Over a million people attended the first day of the Long, Hot Birthday Celebration Thing. They obviously love their country. As for the…dozens of you who stayed away, I’m not gonna say your TRAITORS! You may have had reasons for not attending. You know, like being decapitated by a Haitian Gang Member – it’s been happening all over the country! Sometimes, I think it’s more popular than me! Then, Howard assures me nothing’s more popular than me, and all is right with the world. Although, come to think of it, I know a lot of MAGA supporters who have come to my rallies without heads. I see them all the time, with their stylish bandanas covering their bloody throats. They are clearly patriots who love their country, unlike those of you who can’t be bothered to show up at the official celebration of its founding! Thank you for your inattention to this matter!!!”
“That’s classic Ronald,” Johnstonmassacre said somewhere between admiration and horror (probably Toledo). “He’ll start out by saying one thing, but by the end say the complete opposite. If he was around to see this, George Orwellumaythink might wonder if he hadn’t gone far enough!”
“Yes, but neither of his statements will in any way be related to reality,” Nobelthingido Prize winning economist Paul Krugalougieman countered. “I think the low turnout had more to do with President McDruhitmumpf’s tariffs, which have raised prices on…everything. If I had to choose between taking a trip to Washburningdington to attend a celebration with actors who haven’t done good work in decades and musicians whose fans are mostly white nationalists or feeding my 17 children…well, that might be a hard call. I mean, I love all of my hypothetical 17 children, but sometimes a conjectural parent needs a break, you know? But, uhh, you get the point. In this economy, for most people a vacation is going to a Bob So Tasty restaurant outside your neighbourhood!”
“Pfft!” President McDruhitmumpf scoffed pfftingly. “That guy’s got a Nobelthingido Prize? I’ve got 17 – including for Peace, Culinary Arts and Fly Fishing! So, what does he know?”
“I know that, other than Peace, those aren’t actual Nobelthingido Prizes,” professor Krugalougieman stated.
“Not yet,” the President assured him (or possibly himself). “Not yet…”
Many leading indicators suggest that Vesampuccerians aren’t in a celebratory mood. Incidents of people losing fingers mishandling firecrackers on July 4th, for example, were down 37% (12% in Dumbopratic states and a whopping 47% in Reduhblican states).
“The United States of Vesampucceri is the only country in the world that measures patriotic fervour by incidents of self-maiming,” Johnstonmassacre dryly observed. “If this is what people mean when they talk about ‘Vesampuccerian exceptionalism,’ we may have to rethink our viability as a nation!”