“She’s been in there a long time, Mindy…”
“Three minutes and 27 seconds, Mark…”
“You don’t think she’s having…digestive problems, do you?”
“Like, maybe adjusting to Canadian cuisine?”
“Exactly.”
“Not unless she’s eaten a mooseburger, Mark. Those things always give me gas, and I live here!”
“Alright, then. For those of you who have just joined us, this is the Canadian Broadcasting Corporation’s around the clock coverage of Her Royal Highness Queen Elizabeth the Second’s visit to Canada. We are in the Air Canada Centre in Toronto – the Queen has just dropped the puck at centre ice, and she has just spent the last…”
“Four minutes, 21 seconds, Mark.”
“Almost four and a half minutes in the bathroom. Statistician Doug Kelcher tells me that since arriving in Canada, Her Royal Highness has made 17 official trips to the bathroom…they averaged eight minutes and 49 seconds -“
“Not at all bad for a woman her age, Mark.”
“Still, Mindy, you have to keep in mind that her secret service detail clears the bathroom out before she enters – it’s not like she has to put up with the lineups ordinary fans have to face,”
“Good point.”
“It makes you wonder if the Queen is getting enough fiber in her diet.”
“While there’s a lull in the action, Mark, I should mention that American President George W. Bush just took his case for attacking Iraq to the American Congress, who he told, ‘Americans will not live in fear.'”
“Bush said that? The man whose government leaks news of possible terrorist activities whenever domestic problems threaten his popularity? It seems to me he’s been using fe – Mindy, is that movement among the guards on the bathroom door?”
“I believe you’re right, Ma – and, yes, the Queen has left the bathroom. The Queen has left the bathroom. She is now walking down the hallway. Six minutes, 33 seconds elapsed from the time she entered the bathroom to the time she walked out.”
“I believe that’s well within her average, Mindy.”
“I believe you’re right, Mark.”
“Does…does the Queen seem to be walking…tenderly to you?”
“Tenderly?”
“You know. She doesn’t seem to be walking so…jauntily as she did the last time she was in Canada.”
“Mark, that was years ago, and she is a woman well into her 70s.”
“Perhaps the instant replay will show what I mean…you see? There? A slight hitch in her gait?”
“I still don’t see anything.”
“You think it could be that time of the month for Her Royal Highness?”
“Isn’t she too old for that?”
“Mindy! She’s the Queen! She can menstruate forever if she wants!”
“Mmm…Her Royal Highness has taken her seat in a box high above the action. She is smiling pleasantly – a clear sign that she’s not paying any attention to what’s happening on the ice.”
“She has definitely zoned out. What do you think she’s thinking about when she goes to that special place?”
“Her Corgis.”
“A royal visit is truly a magical time, isn’t it? It was a thrill watching her drop the puck and, when offered it as a souvenir, joked, ‘I already own highways – why would I want this piece of ersatz asphalt?’ She may be the head of state, but she certainly has developed the common touch.”
“My favourite memory will always be the way she chuffed Prince Philip in the back of the head when he made a rude joke about Greeks to Nia Vardalos, the writer/star of My Big, Fat Greek Wedding.”
“Yes, that certainly was an awkward moment, considering the Prince himself has a Greek background…”
“Perhaps it was his attempt at bonding.”
“That’s the royal family – mysterious, yet earthy. Aristocratic, yet plebian. Superficial, yet…”
“Superfluous?”
“Oh, no. Never that. Her Royal Highness rises above it all…and we will have every second of it here on the CBC. The Queen isn’t scheduled to leave the game for another 23 minutes – while we have the time, why don’t we look at the highlights of her arrival in Canada, starting with a slow motion instant replay of her getting off the plane?”