FADE IN:
JERRY’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
Jerry is looking over a box of Froot Loops. Elaine sits on his couch. Several seconds pass.
ELAINE
Mid-term elections?JERRY
Naah. That’s too…something.ELAINE
Well, what do you expect? After as many years as we’ve been doing it, you run out of nothing.JERRY
I’m thinking…Froot Loops.ELAINE
Froot Loops?JERRY
You think Snap, Crackle and Pop use Froot Loops as marriage rings?ELAINE
Who would they marry? Hiss, Static and Noise?JERRY
Good one. It’s not integral to the joke, but –
SOUND: knock on the door.
JERRY (CONTINUING)
(loud)
Door’s open. Come on in.
Kramer walks in and politely closes the door behind him.
KRAMER
Jerry, you gotta help me.JERRY
Actually, I’m retired. I don’t ‘gotta’ do anything.KRAMER
No, seriously. You gotta save me from…them!ELAINE
Them?KRAMER
You know.
(elaborate hand gesture)
Them. Them! Them!ELAINE
Who them?JERRY
Who dem? I didn’t know you spoke –KRAMER
My fans!ELAINE
You have fans?KRAMER
They love me.JERRY
Not…from what I heard.KRAMER
They did love me. Until they turned on me.JERRY
Getting closer to what I heard.KRAMER
Okay, maybe they never loved me, but they turned on me just the same.JERRY
Bingo.ELAINE
What did you do?KRAMER
I tried to push the envelop of racially charged humour.ELAINE
What does that mean?JERRY
He called some black hecklers niggers.ELAINE
You wha – oh, you didn’t.KRAMER
They had it coming. They really pushed –
(punches the air)
My buttons.ELAINE
Well, if you said it once or twice –JERRY
Ah, but that’s not what happened. Kramer used the word 17 times. Loudly. With no real satirical context.ELAINE
Oh. Well. I’m sure that it can be worked out.
(to Jerry)
Loser.KRAMER
I’m not a loser.ELAINE
Okay, you’re not a loser.KRAMER
Damn straight.ELAINE
You’re a looooooooser.KRAMER
Big talk coming from somebody who has had – how many, now? – 27 shows since Seinfeld went off the air? Did any of them last longer than three episodes?ELAINE
At least I didn’t call anybody a nigger on any of them.
(pause, quietly)
Loser.JERRY
Okay, enough already with the loser stuff.KRAMER
So, you gonna help me out?JERRY
This is not good.KRAMER
Tell me about it.JERRY
This scene has gone on much too long. Meet us at the café in 20 minutes.
INT. CAFÉ – NIGHT
Elaine, Jerry and GEORGE are sitting at their usual table, eating and drinking various substances of the late night.
GEORGE
So, she’s just the most beautiful girl ever. And, get this: she’s blind. She’s blind and she sells flowers on a street corner.JERRY
Is this something that happened to you, or are you describing the plot of Charlie Chaplin’s Modern Times?GEORGE
You got me. What can I say? I mean, after doing this show as many years as we have, you run out of nothing.JERRY
So I hear…
Kramer enters and sits at the table. Elaine mouths the word “loser.”
JERRY (CONTINUING)
Hey, Kramer, you wanna bagel?KRAMER
No. Thanks. Jerry.JERRY
Come on. Have a bagel.KRAMER
I’m really not that hungry.JERRY
They’re very good bagels.KRAMER
For fuck’s sake, Jerry! I don’t fucking want a fucking bagel!JERRY
Okay. Okay.
(beat)
Too bad. Cause they’re really good –GEORGE
Maybe you can plug them on the Letterman show.
Jerry makes ixnay motions with his hands, to no avail.
KRAMER
You’re going on Letterman?JERRY
Just to plug the seventh season DVD. No biggie, really. I’m in, I’m out.KRAMER
I could use the national exposure.JERRY
I don’t think a racist would help sell DVDs.KRAMER
Come on, man! You know I’m not a racist!JERRY
A really bad stand-up, then. Not…that there’s anything wrong with that.KRAMER
Come on, Jerry. Throw me a bone, here.GEORGE
A bone for the bonehead.KRAMER
Cut it out.GEORGE
Or, what? You gonna call me a nigger?KRAMER
You’re asking for it.GEORGE
(shrugs)
I been called worse.ELAINE
Really?GEORGE
Oh, yeah. Less than an hour ago.ELAINE
What a coincidence.GEORGE
Yeah. You wouldn’t think a blind flower seller would know such language.JERRY
You learn something new every day.KRAMER
So, you gonna help me out, or what?JERRY
You know what I love about the show?ELAINE
What’s that?JERRY
How we don’t always feel the need to resolve every storyline…
MICHAEL RICHARD’S CAREER:
FADE TO BLACK