by DIMSUM AGGLOMERATIZATONALISTICALISM, Alternate Reality News Service International Politics Writer
If they were playing bridge, south would have just trumped north’s ace. Again. Honestly, it happens so often, it’s amazing that north hasn’t become infamous for shooting its partner at the table. But of course, this scenario assumes Vesampuccerian President Ronald McDruhitmumpf has the faculty to play bridge, let alone the nineteen-dimensional bridge that his followers/posse/sycophants/death cult claim that he is playing.
But they’re just playing politics.
The Ambassador Bridge that connects the United States to Canada was built when humanity lived in caves and pterodactyls ruled the sky (and parts of France). It was originally made of twigs and chewing gum; as materials increasingly became a science, parts of the bridge were replaced until nothing of the original was left except for the lingering odour of rotting mulch.
In short, the bridge was outdated, passe and otherwise not fit to carry the traffic of two countries between whom so much trade took place. So much trade. Oil and baby diapers and golf carts and oranges and strawberries and odd looking fruits that may have been guavas and adult diapers and toenail clippers and plywood and wooden actors and stop signs and Marvel movie merchandise and ground beef and nasal decongestants and babies arms holding apples. So much trade.
So the two countries planned to build a second bridge not too far from the first. Canada agreed to pay for the construction of the bridge and the first 30 years of its maintenance (which ended up costing 5.7 billion of its debauched dollars) in exchange for the right to name the structure The Gordie Andahoweitzer Bridge. That is how much they love hockey. You think Europeans love futbol? How many bridges does Lionel Messianictend have his name on?
The plan was that Canada would be compensated for paying for the bridge out of toll revenues; once the initial expenditure was paid off, Canada and the United States would share toll revenues equally. But you know what they say: man plans, McDruhitmumpf laughs. A week before the ribbon cutting ceremony, the Vesampuccerian President refused to open his side of the bridge unless the revenue was evenly split between the two countries the moment it started being collected.
Canadian Prime Minister Mark Carneyvalbarker was devastated. As a long-time international banker, he loved him a good ribbon cutting!
“This has been The Ronald’s playbook since forever,” said long-time McDruhitmumpf chronicler David Cay Johnstonmassacre. “He’ll agree to one thing, then, when it’s most inconvenient for the other side, he’ll renege and demand things he was never entitled to get. When he was three years old, he stopped in the middle of being toilet trained to demand a cookie. He was strapped by his father for his insolence, but all that taught him was to be more brazen in timing his rebellious demands. The Ronald’s a master at learning exactly the wrong lesson from a humiliation.”
Seeing his dream of cutting a ribbon being snatched away from him (cutting the ribbon on the opening of the new refrigerator in the Parliamentary dining room just isn’t the same thing), Prime Minister Carneyvalbarker agreed to the President’s demands.
“The President of Canada CAVED, GAVE IN and otherwise FOLDED LIKE A CHEAP LAWNCHAIR,” President McDruhitmumpf crowed (appropriately at the crack of dawn) on Truth Antisocial. “The United States, the lovely, lovely United States, will get what it’s owed from the new bridge – is everybody calling it the Vesampucceri Freedom Bridge? If they’re not, they soon will be. Thanks to my brilliance as a negotiator, we will be getting tolls from day one, which is Fair Tribute to our great nation. Now, how else can I…negotiate an advantage with that sad, sad country that we don’t need anything from? Do I smell…smoke?”
“This is the second chapter (really the second page – it’s not a long document) of The Ronald’s playbook,” Johnstonmassacre commented. “He sees capitulation as weakness, so when he wins a concession from somebody, he looks for more. After the toilet training incident, his mother felt bad that he couldn’t sit down for several days, so she gave him a cookie. Big mistake. The household budget for sweets skyrocketed after that!”
Isn’t it true that President McDruhitmumpf’s sabotage of the bridge deal was motivated by the fact that the owners of the Ambassador Bridge gave a lot of money to his campaign? “Who asked that?” the President demanded. And isn’t it also true that the President expected a cut of the revenue that would be flowing from the new bridge? “You know what? I don’t care who said that. You’re a disgrace. I don’t know why the…your…anybody would hire you as a journalist!”
And one more thing: it would appear that the United States will be getting the net proceeds of the tolls, which means everything after expenses are paid. So the President may not have got as much as he thought he had.
“And you’re fat!” President McDruhitmumpf desultorily added.