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Dog Hairs in the Caviar

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Glasnost is not the word a Russian says to somebody after he or she sneezes, nor is it a new brand of vodka the Soviet Union intends to export to the west. It means “openness.” The word is being used to describe the Russian government’s new policy of press and personal freedoms.

Some wags remain skeptical. To date, a couple of dissidents (very famous ones, to be sure, but only two) have been released and a small number of refuseniks have been allowed to emigrate; glasnost appears more publicity gimmick than substantive commitment to end Russia’s suppression of human rights. The skeptical wags suggest that this is a ploy by the Russian government to weaken NATO by appealing to the people of moderate countries within the alliance.

Helping foster the suspicions of the SWs are the absurd lengths to which Russian Premier Mikhail Gorbachev and his wife Raisa seem willing to go to gain personally favourable publicity in western media. By portraying themselves as regular folks, the Gorbachevs may be attempting to lessen western fear of Russians.

While this is not a bad goal in itself, the SWs suggest that it also diverts attention from the real issues. The conflicting media images of Russia – past and present – may be difficult for western audiences to reconcile.

Can the Mikhail and Raisa television show be far behind?

SCENE: a large, fashionable hotel room. RAISA, in an elegant evening gown, fusses with her makeup in front of a mirror. Enter MIKHAIL in formal dress.

MIKHAIL: Are you not ready yet? (SFX: mild laughter)

RAISA: Oh, Mickey! Must we dine at the White House again!

MIKHAIL: Of course. Is important…

RAISA: But the President always makes that funny noise when eating his soup! (SFX: medium laugh)

MIKHAIL: I know, but –

RAISA: And, Nancy has better clothes than me! (SFX: medium laugh)

MIKHAIL: I know, but –

RAISA: (angry) You know? (SFX: big laugh)

MIKHAIL: Sorry, Raisa. Long afternoon of arms negotiations has tired me out, affected my judgment. (SFX: mild laugh) But, dinner is important…

RAISA: Why?

MIKHAIL: Is great photo opportunity… (SFX: medium laugh)

RAISA: (unconvinced) I suppose…

MIKHAIL: Besides, Washington is warmer than Moscow at this time of year.

RAISA: Washington is warmer than Moscow at any time of the year. (SFX: medium laugh) But, Mickey, last time we ate at White House, was dog hairs in caviar! (SFX: medium laugh)

MIKHAIL: Will not be problem this time.

RAISA: No dog hairs?

MIKHAIL: No caviar! (SFX: big laugh; enter ATTACHE)

ATTACHE: Comrade Premier Gorbachev, is urgent I speak with you!

MIKHAIL: Raisa, will you pleas leave us?

RAISA: (pouting) But, I haven’t finished. (SFX: medium laugh)

MIKHAIL: Oh…will please put hands over ears, then? (SFX: medium laugh)

RAISA: (resigned) Very well… (puts hands over her ears; SFX: big laugh)

ATTACHE: Is room secure?

MIKHAIL: Is life secure? (SFX: mild laugh)

ATTACHE: Oh. (pause)

MIKHAIL: (short) What is matter? (SFX: mild laugh)

ATTACHE: Has been another fire at Montreal embassy…

MIKHAIL: (grim) Were documents missing from embassy?

ATTACHE: My KGB sources did not know…

MIKHAIL: Were firemen allowed in building?

ATTACHE: (hesitant) Well…

MIKHAIL: (threatening) Salt mines are very uncomfortable this time of year, Yuri… (SFX: medium laugh)

ATTACHE: Yes…after 15 minutes…

MIKHAIL: Stupid Ambassador – was bad career move. (SFX: medium laugh)

ATTACHE: But, Comrade Premier Gorbachev, was unavoidable!

MIKHAIL: Why?

ATTACHE: Neighbourhood was starting to burn down! (SFX: big laugh)

MIKHAIL: Is very bad for security. Have diplomats recalled.

ATTACHE: Yes, sir. (Attache turns to go, then turns back) Oh, umm, nobody was hurt.

MIKHAIL: Don’t jump to any conclusions, Yuri. (SFX: big laugh)

ATTACHE: (gulps) Yes, sir. (exits)

MIKHAIL: Raisa? (louder) Raisa? (shouting) Raisa! (SFX: medium laugh)

RAISA: (lowering her hands) Yes?

MIKHAIL: (stern) Is time to go.

RAISA: Oh, Mickey! (SFX: big laugh, applause)

Hmm…this sort of diplomacy by media image does have an obvious appeal. Nonetheless, I hesitate to embrace it fully. After all, despite impressive progress on human rights, it is estimated that there are still thousands of Russians being held in prisons and mental hospitals for “crimes” that amount to no more than disagreeing with the state. Tens of thousands of people who want to emigrate from the country are not being allowed to leave. Press control still predominates.

Say goodnight, Raisa.