* RING RING *
“Hello, barbaric cultural practices hotline. How may I -“
“OH MY GOD! YOU HAVE TO DO SOMETHING! THEY’RE GOING TO MUTILATE MY NEPHEWS GENITALS!”
“Please calm down, sir. If you’ll just -“
“YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND! THEY’RE GOING TO TAKE A RAZOR BLADE – NOT EVEN A KNIFE! A RAZOR BLADE! – AND CUT LITTLE ARI’S PENIS! OH, SURE, THEY’LL GIVE HIM A SIP OF WINE BEFOREHAND, BUT THAT’S NOT GOING TO STOP HIM FROM BAWLING HIS EYES OUT! YOU HAVE TO STOP IT!”
“Sir! Yes, it sounds like something barbaric is about to happen. But before I can help you, you need to tell me all you can about it.”
“ISN’T IT OBVIOUS? MY NEPHEW IS ABOUT TO BE CIRCUMCISED!”
“Circumcised? Oh. I’m sorry. We can’t help you.”
“Can’t help me? Why can’t you help me?”
“Circumcision is not on our list of barbaric cultural practices.”
“It’s not?”
“Sorry.”
“What good are you, then?”
“Sir, I – sir? Hello?”
* RING RING *
“Hello, barbaric cultural practices hotline. How may I help you?”
PAUSE.
“Hello? This is the barbaric cultural practices hotline. How may I help you?”
PAUSE.
“I’m sorry, but if you’re not going to say anything, I’m going to have to -“
“Football.”
“Excuse me?”
“Football.”
“Sir, this is the barbaric cultural practices hotline. If you -“
“Hee hee. Football.”
“Sir, football is not a barbaric cultural practice.”
“Football.”
“If you do not intend to report a barbaric cultural practice, I’m afraid I will have to hang up on you.”
“Football… Football! Football! Football!”
“Goodbye… Man, I hate this job! If I didn’t have to pay off those student -“
* RING RING *
“Hello, barbaric cultural practices hotline. How may I help you?”
“Were you aware that a survey of tips to a terrorist hotline between 2012 and 2014 showed that 92 per cent were nonsensical or unrelated to public safety?”
“Ma’am, this is the barbaric cultural practices hotline. If -“
“What makes you think this snitch line is going to be any different?”
“This is not a snitch line!”
“You’re asking Canadians to inform on fellow citizens, right?”
“But, it’s not a snitch line!”
“What’s the difference?”
“Our country is a democracy.”
PAUSE.
“Besides, even if only eight per cent of calls are legitimate, think of how many barbaric practices we could stop.”
“Well, no. There’s no actual proof that any of the eight per cent of legitimate calls stopped anything. They just weren’t nonsensical or unrelated to public safety.”
PAUSE.
“Was there anything else?”
“Nope. Just wanted to let you know.”
“Thanks for calling the barbaric cultural practices hotline. Your call has been logged for future possible investigation.”
“You’re not going to do anything about what I just said?”
“Ma’am, I don’t make the policy, I just work here.”
“I knew this was pointless! You Conservatives don’t care about facts!”
PAUSE.
“Yep. Really hating this job right no -“
* RING RING *
“Hello, barbaric cultural practices hotline. How may I help you?”
“It’s about my neighbours – the Davouris? I think they’re engaging in some of those barbaric cultural practices I keep hearing about.”
“Why do you say that, sir?”
“Well, for one thing, the woman, Semlatke or something like that, always wears a veil over her face. What kind of person is unwilling to show their face in public? A shifty one, that’s what. Somebody who can’t be trusted.”
“Sorry, sir, but that’s not really proof of a barbaric practice.”
“No? How about this? When they first moved into the house next door, I asked them to come over to a barbecue at my house. You know, I was just being friendly, welcoming them to the neighbourhood, like. Well. They asked if they could bring their own meat. Bring their own meat! What? My meat isn’t good enough for them? I wanted to show how welcoming Canada is, though, so I accepted the insult. We had the barbecue. But, whenever I asked if they wanted a beer, they refused. So, now I’m not good enough to drink with? I tell you, they just don’t fit in with our way of life!”
“Again, that’s not really a barbaric -“
“Okay, what about the smells coming from their house?”
“Smells?”
“Yeah. Nasty smells, like burning flesh.”
“Are you sure that’s not just their cooking?”
“Absolutely not! It smelled like…a human sacrifice.”
“Human sacrifice? Okay! Now we’re talking. I’m going to put you on hold while I transfer your call to the RCMP. Please hold the line.”
“Thank you.”
“That’s more like it. Now, I love my job!”