by GIDEON GINRACHMANJINJa-VITUS, Alternate Reality News Service Economics Writer
Alfredina Chi-Weiwei was surprised to return from corporate downsizing Jiu Jitsu class one evening to find her Etobicoke home burned to the ground. Her first thought was: Wasn’t the hit man supposed to kill Yojimbo and make it look like he died in a fire next week while I was in Florida visiting my dead grandmother? I may have to miss yoga to deal with this! Her second thought was: Was it wise to share my first thought with a journalist? Maybe if I convince the hit man that he owes me one…
As it happened, the police came to the conclusion that the fire was started by faulty wiring in the Home Universe GeneratorTM in the Chi-Weiwei spare bedroom/walk-in freezer. The sparks that flew from the machine while Yojimbo Chi-Weiwei was using it set the asbestos insulation on fire and, because there were no smoke alarms, nobody knew about the fire until it had consumed 73 per cent of the house.
It may take police over a week to determine and lay all of the appropriate criminal charges in the case.
“Oh, my, oh, my, oh,” said Mary Mao (no relation…to speak of), President of Die-Tri-An Industries (a wholly owned subsidiary of Duõguó Gõngsî), the manufacturer of the highly flammable, and only moderately inflammable Home Universe GeneratorTM. “This has never happened to one of our machines before. Unless you count the two in Toronto. Or, the three in Tierra del Fuego. Or, the five in Finland. Or, the seven in Sevastopol. Or, the eleven in Elgin. Or, the thirteen in Trieste. Or, the seventeen in Sierra Madre. Or…well. This has never happened to one of our machines before…in the last five minutes!”
According to technology expert Mark Saltzman (also no relation, but that should go without saying, so, uhh…), the problem, which comes from the wire that needs to be plugged into an electrical outlet, could be solved with 73 cents worth of insulation. “But that would add $57 to the cost of the unit,” he added, “which would make it more expensive than a lot of people are willing to pay. Cheap bastards.”
“Hey! We can do it cheap or we can do it good,” Mao (really no relation – she has fallen arches and can’t even do a short march around the block!) stated. “Or, we can do it a little more costly or we can do it almost good. Or, we can do it a little more expensive or we can do it so that it starts getting crappy. Or, we can do it really expensive or we can do it very bad. So, umm, ahh, I’m saying that in the east quality is a circle, not a straight line that extends beyond the horizon forever A very confusing circle, perhaps, but nobody said running a successful business was easy!.”
Die-Tri-An’s seven factories throughout China supply 73 per cent of the world’s Home Universe GeneratorTMs. The most prominent of them was built in the Beijing Economic-Technological Area of Development (BAD – no relation to the Michael Jackson song). It is a three storey brick building the size of four city blocks out of which emanates the sound of machines and Christmas jingles in Elvish.
According to an article in the Asian Economist and Sandblaster, conditions for workers in the factory are dismal. According to one woman who worked there, “Right. I had to get up in the morning at ten o’clock at night half an hour before I went to bed, eat a clump of cold poison, work twenty-nine hours a day down mill, and pay mill owner for permission to come to work, and when we got home, our dad and our mother would kill us and dance about on our graves singing Hallelujah.”
“Oh, my, oh, my, oh,” said Mao (no relation – she doesn’t even look good in red!). “I meant, hey! That wasn’t a quote from one of our workers – it was from an old comedy sketch!”
To be fair, the article did question why a worker in a Chinese factory had a Yorkshire accent.
It is undisputable that wages for workers in the BAD are ba…low. They typically make 72 cents a week. At that rate, it would take a Die-Tri-An worker 24 years to earn enough to buy a Home Universe GeneratorTM – assuming that they did not eat or have to pay rent in that time period.
Low wages have contributed to what economists have called “The Chinese Great Economic Leap Forward” (since Miracles are banned in this atheist country), which saw its economy grow faster than a coyote with its backside on fire (“That Durn Chinee Mirac – Economic Leap Forward!”, Tavers, Travers, Vestibule). But, the benefits of the country’s rapid economic growth have not been shared equally: while most of the workers live in positively Dickensian conditions, many Communist Party leaders and corporate executives have Home Universe GeneratorTMs in every room of their houses.
“Not every room,” Mao (no relation – she doesn’t even like Dance Dance Revolution), demurred. “Is a tool shed a room?”
Riiiight.
Another factor in China’s rise to a world power is a complete disregard for the environment. Thanks to factories throughout the city, the smog is so thick that being a tourist is like walking through gelatin (and all of your photos tend to look the same). Even wearing a mask over her mouth, Mao (okay, maybe a bit of a relation if you squint hard enough and ignore all the blood) coughed so badly that it took her twenty minutes to get out her statement about the old comedy sketch. Honestly – I haven’t had to wade through so much audio tape to get a useable quote since I interviewed gang leader (later CEO of streaming audio service The Wha Ya Hoo Naws Network) Mumbles McGurk!
Western governments have tried to put pressure on China to raise it production standards so that Home Universe GeneratorTMs don’t randomly catch fire, explode or turn into penguins; but representatives of the country have so many variations on the “We can do it cheap or we can do it good,” argument that they fill a little red book. Once they have installed them in their homes, the first thing western consumers are advised to do is use their Home Universe GeneratorTMs to find realities where the machine proved dangerous, then do the opposite of that.
“Used properly, your Home Universe GeneratorTM should give your family years of pleasure,” said Mao (who, yes, alright, is a distant cousin of Margaret Mao, the founder of a chain of Chinese fast food restaurants and abortion clinics – why? Who did you think she was related to?). “And, if it should do something naughty, like destroy your home, blame yourself you cheap bastard!“