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Are you cut out to be the American ambassador to a foreign country? Take the John Negroponte vision test to find out! Simply look at the eye chart below; if you can read anything below the fourth line, you’re looking too hard. Turn your head away and try again. If you still see anything below the fourth line, perhaps a career as American ambassador to a foreign country is not a job for you.
American military and financial support
democratic elections (sort of…)
free enterprise & globalization
a free press (more or less…)
broad government corruption
jailing of political opponents
arrest without due process
crony capitalism
disappearances
torture
SOURCE: The Non-existent Pages
Everyone’s a Loser, Baby, That’s No Lie
Going into the federal elections, the smart money was that it was Liberal leader Paul martin’s to lose. And, indeed, it looked for a while that he would live down to this as Conservative Party leader Stephen Harper was projected to win at least a minority government. But, the pundits and pollsters didn’t reckon on the Conservative Party’s ability to self-destruct within days of the polls. The following chart shows how the different party leaders approached losing the election.
| Harper | Martin |
|---|---|
| Ralph Klein | Dalton McGuinty |
| Comment: The edge goes to Martin, since Klein’s changes to health care in Alberta were only theoretical, but McGuinty’s budget in Ontario was real. | |
| Attacked Liberals for record of corruption | Attacked Conservatives for record of puritanism |
| Comment: Both positions appear to be non-starters, Harper’s because he couldn’t pin the corruption on Martin, Martin because Harper was keeping a short leash on his candidates. Not short enough, however; outbursts on issues such as abortion and same sex marriage tended to support Martin’s attacks. Advantage Harper. | |
| Focused on issue of tax cuts | Focused on issue of renewing health care |
| Comment: Conservatives constantly undercut their leader by bringing up other issues. On the other hand, Martin screwed himself by cutting health care funding while Finance Minister. Slight edge to Harper. | |
| Denied having extremists in Party | Denied responsibility for social programme cutbacks |
| Comment: Neither has credibility on these issues – a bit of a wash, here, I’m afraid. | |
| Accused Martin of supporting child pornography | Accused Harper of hiding a neo-con agenda |
| Comment: Harper wins this one hands down. |
Clearly, the Conservatives wanted to lose the election more. And, so they did.
SOURCE: Politics For Dummies
Monday: Have you ever noticed that the more idiot-proof you make something, the more idiots are the only people who want to use it?
Tuesday: Why is it most politicians now see getting elected as their opportunity to self-serve?
Wednesday: Would Portia have been happier with a Porsche?
Thursday: Just connect…to the Internet for as little as $19.95 a month.
Friday: Have you ever noticed that statements of fact seem more engaging when posed in the form of questions?
Saturday: If you move away from your home on Rodeo Drive, should you say you lived on Rodeo Drove?
Sunday: Would more people listen to him if god had a blog?
SOURCE: Random Thoughts and Blood Clots
There Are Such Things as Legally Allowable Decibel Levels, You Know
The Greek victory at the World Cup of Soccer has united Canada’s diverse ethnic communities like no other event. All of us, no matter what our background, would like to congratulate the Greek team and ask COULD YOU PLEASE STOP THAT DAMN HONKING!
SOURCE: The Schwartz Sports Report
United States Vice President Dick “Write If You Get Work” Cheney surfaced for a few moments last week to tell Democratic Senators to “fuck yourselves.” Now we know why he has spent so little time in public: he sets a bad example for children!
SOURCE: Late Tonight with David Lenoman
You Can’t Copyright Lawsuit Ideas
Four men are suing the Wayans brothers, claiming the comedians stole their original idea when they made the film White Chicks, which is about a pair of black police officers who pose as white debutantes to bust a crime ring. Soon after, it was announced that Eddie Murphy was suing the four men, claiming that their spec script about a black FBI agent who impersonates a white man was stolen from an old Saturday Night Live sketch in which he starred. In response, Melvin van Peebles is said to be considering suing all of them for stealing the idea of cross-racial confusion from his film Watermelon Man. There were also rumours that heirs of William Shakespeare were planning on suing the Wayans brothers, claiming that cross-dressing was a theme that originated in a number of his plays, but that they decided against a lawsuit when they realized that White Chicks was so bad that no real artist would want credit for having it stolen from them.
SOURCE: Entertainment Right Now
Corporal Punishment Outside of Abu Ghraib
The British House of Lords has decided that, rather than ban the spanking of children outright, they would allow moderate spanking but make it easier to prosecute parents whose spanking was immoderate. In order to know if your form of corporal punishment is within proper limits, the following guidelines were released:
| Age | Spank With | Force | Equivalence |
|---|---|---|---|
| 1-2 years | one finger | 1 newton | light tap |
| 3-5 years | three fingers | 2 newtons | hard tap |
| 5-10 years | open hand | 5 newtons | slap |
| 10-15 years | fist | 15 newtons | light punch |
| 15-18 years | rod | 25 newtons | light hit with stick |
After the age of 18, parents are recommended not to raise their hands to their children, as this would constitute assault, and if their children laid a complaint they could face criminal charges.
SOURCE: Disassociated Press
Republicans started attacking John Edwards the moment Democratic Presidential candidate John Kerry announced Edwards as his running mate. And, well they should. The outcome of the election is no longer a foregone conclusion. Now, George Bush is going to have to run against somebody with a pulse.
SOURCE: Late Tonight with David Lenoman
Robert Deluce, owner of a start-up airline, is suing the city of Toronto for scrapping the building of a bridge to the island airport. Deluce argues that, even though the city had no contract with him, its decision would adversely affect the viability of his airline. Lawyers see this opening up a whole new area of litigation: imaginary torts. Almost as tasty as the real thing, imaginary torts occur when third parties take actions which may undermine a business’ ability to make money, even when the third party has no relationship to the business. “Say you own a store,” lawyer Alan B. Shae-Starr explained, “and somebody walks past it without going in and buying something. You can sue them for undermining your business. The possibilities are…are…” Choked up, Shae-Starr asked for a tissue.
SOURCE: Business Law Daily