1) Why do you have separate Frequently Unasked Question files? Shouldn’t you consolidate them into a single file
2) What’s your policy on privacy?
3) You don’t seem to offer many answers to the problems you make fun of. Why is that?
4) Why bother, then?
5) Has publishing on the World Wide Web increased your readership?
6) I notice that you do a lot of ad parodies and satirical pieces on consumer culture. But, everybody knows consumer culture sucks. Why don’t you tell me something I don’t know?
7) What are you going to call your autobiography?
8) Why?
9) Do you have any advice for aspiring comedy writers?
10) No. I meant: do you have any advice on craft for aspiring comedy writers?
11) Do you know you need an editor?
12) Y do u uz complicatd lngwij?
13) You’re a proud Canadian. How come you don’t write more about Canadian subjects?
14) Are you a man or a woman?
15) How has being eligible for a Stephen Leacock Medal for humour writing changed you?
16) If you are shortlisted to win the Stephen Leacock Medal, how will that experience change you?
17) If you win the Stephen Leacock Medal, how will that experience change you?
18) Do you have a ponytail to direct people’s attention away from your growing bald spot?
19) Isn’t the Frequently Unasked Questions file the place to ask personal questions?
20) But, doesn’t the whole ponytail/bald spot controversy suggest the kind of vanity that you usually make fun of? If you didn’t address this issue, wouldn’t it be kind of…you know…hypocritical?
21) Why don’t you have a list of your top 10 favourite Iron Maiden songs on your Web site? Don’t you know that every personal Web site is supposed to have a list of its creator’s top 10 favourite Iron Maiden songs?
22) Can you feel the love?
23) Where your answers aren’t obscure, they’re frequently wrong. Why should I believe anything in your Frequently Unasked Questions files?
1) Why do you have separate Frequently Unasked Question files? Shouldn’t you consolidate them into a single file?
Because they are newspaper columns masquerading as Web pages, and any attempt at bringing them together would just increase their already considerable feelings of inadequacy.
2) What’s your policy on privacy?
None of your business.
3) You don’t seem to offer many answers to the problems you make fun of. Why is that?
The Abyss taught me that there are few lasting answers, and no easy ones.
It beats walking baby carriages with commercial advertising on the side for a living.
5) Has publishing on the World Wide Web increased your readership?
Yes, and I would personally like to thank all three of my new readers for their support.
6) I notice that you do a lot of ad parodies and satirical pieces on consumer culture. But, everybody knows consumer culture sucks. Why don’t you tell me something I don’t know?
Sometimes we need to be reminded of truths we know but would rather not face directly. Like, the fact that that shirt does not go with those pants.
7) What are you going to call your autobiography?
Furious Blintzes.
To alienate my anti-Semitic fan base.
9) Do you have any advice for aspiring comedy writers?
There’s always life insurance.
10) No. I meant: do you have any advice on craft for aspiring comedy writers?
Oh. Sure. Know what to juxtapose, and when.
11) Do you know you need an editor?
Are you volunteering?
12) Y do u uz complicatd lngwij?
Bcoz I don’t like rtifishal forts at reducng lngwij. Reread Orwell’s Nineteen Eighty-four, class, if you need to be reminded of the kind of problems these efforts usually cause (coz?).
13) You’re a proud Canadian. How come you don’t write more about Canadian subjects?
When an American President whose idea of foreign relations is a trip to New York threatens to start a war that will set the entire Middle East on fire, I find it difficult to get too worked up about Bernard Landry’s announcement that the Partis Quebecois will hold a referendum on sovereignty in 1,000 days – unless there isn’t enough support for sovereignty, in which case it won’t.
Yes.
15) How has being eligible for a Stephen Leacock Medal for humour writing changed you?
I have advised my posse that henceforth they should beat up anybody who physically approaches me, even if I know them. Especially if I know them.
16) If you are shortlisted to win the Stephen Leacock Medal, how will that experience change you?
I will advise my posse that henceforth they should beat up people at random, including each other. Given my new celebrity status, I will not want to fall behind Leonardo DiCaprio in antisocial behaviour.
17) If you win the Stephen Leacock Medal, how will that experience change you?
I will be forced to move to Los Angeles without leaving a forwarding address because, frankly, I will be worried that my posse will want to beat me up.
18) Do you have a ponytail to direct people’s attention away from your growing bald spot?
That’s a rather personal question, isn’t it?
19) Isn’t the Frequently Unasked Questions file the place to ask personal questions?
Personal questions related to the writing of the column and the maintenance of the Les Pages aux Folles Web site, not my personal grooming.
20) But, doesn’t the whole ponytail/bald spot controversy suggest the kind of vanity that you usually make fun of? If you didn’t address this issue, wouldn’t it be kind of…you know…hypocritical?
Geez – you’d think I was running for public office or something. Okay. Look. I’m not that concerned with hair volume. I don’t believe that 100 long hairs is the equivalent of – or in any way makes up for the loss of – 200 short hairs. In fact, people who think that way scare me. I just think the ponytail works for me, okay?
21) Why don’t you have a list of your top 10 favourite Iron Maiden songs on your Web site? Don’t you know that every personal Web site is supposed to have a list of its creator’s top 10 favourite Iron Maiden songs?
I must have missed that memo.
Sorry – you want What the Heck Do You Know?
23) Where your answers aren’t obscure, they’re frequently wrong. Why should I believe anything in your Frequently Unasked Questions files?
Hope springs eternal.