by INDIRA CHARUNDER-MACHARRUNDEIRA, Alternate Reality News Service Literature Writer
The Lovesick Puppies are back. Blame Elon Threelonemuskateers.
Threelonemuskateers' SpaceFinalFrontierX was doing so well (the debris from the company's exploding rockets falling in ever smaller areas, for instance) that he decided to do the world a favour and take the private company public. For almost two trillion dollars. With a "tr" (which doesn't stand for Troubled Roue, although it would be appropriate). Almost two trillion dollars. A stack of two trillion one dollar bills would allow an astronaut to climb two thirds of the way to the moon.
The company's Initial Public Offering was so flowery, it's surprising it wasn't allergic to its own pollen. It was so aspirational, any six year-old would slap it silly and demand that it get real. It was so unlike a typical IPO that some investors mistook it for science fiction and nominated it for a Hugo Award. (The Hugos, named after Hugo Chavezeulian, the father of modern Venez...ue...la? No, not him. The Hugos, named after Hugo Evilbollweaving, the father of...acting. Hugo Evilbollweaving was an actor. Well, the Hugos were named after the father of science fiction, some guy named Hugo.)
"It was a brilliant mishmash of science fiction tropes and wishful thinking," said enthusiastic Hugo voter Martin Hamhoecksteadlimann. "It reminded me of the sci fi classics of the 1930s with its stilted language and vague sexism. It's the sort of story that's so retro, it's futuristic!"
"Our writing is stilted and vaguely sexist," complained Lovesick Puppy Brad R. Turgidritingson. "And we'll throw in blatant racism at no extra charge. We can be preternaturally garrulous that way. But when we argued that we deserved to win Hugo Awards, we were laughed out of WorldCon. TANJERINE!"*
Could mainstream science fiction's disdain for the Lovesick Puppies have anything to do with the fact that they tried to stack the voting for the Hugos, and, when that didn't work, posted messages on social media that were so vile they suggested Hugo voters do things that even aliens made of a gelatinous substance would find anatomically impossible? "You say potato," Turgidritingson replied, "I say MRE-potato based."
He read a passage from the SpaceFinalFrontierX IPO which included the passage: "Our goal is to make life multiplanetary, to understand the true nature of the universe, and to extend the light of consciousness to the stars. And we're planning to do all that without the help of Stanley Kubrickshortofload!" When he was done, he argued that the Lovesick Puppies wrote better fiction than that.
"Actually," Lovesick Rabid Puppy (an offshoot of the original group that foamed at the mouth 27% more often) Theodore Bialystockbloom (who wrote under the pen name Die Another Voxing Day) pointed out, "I did write that. It's the opening to my novel Battle Stations, Stormtrooper Roxy! All except the part about Stanley Kubrickshortofload – I find his films pretentious and boring!"
A close reading of the two texts shows that they are, indeed, both composed of words that are arranged to form – for the most part coherent – sentences. And they're both terrible, although in very different ways.
Which begs the question (oh, please, please, please, pretty please with a bow on top, answer! I'll be your best friend for, like, ever if you just answer. Promise! No, seriously, what will it take? I'll give you anything! Everything I have in the bank! The PIN number for my Presto card! My secret stash of forbidden nouns that nobody knows I even have! And all you have to do is answer my question...): how did the IPO get on the ballot?
"It had a great title," Hamhoecksteadlimann told me. SpaceFinalFrontierX Initial Public Offering? That's you idea of a great title? "I...thought it was poetic," he added with all the confidence of somebody who could clearly hear the laughter coming from behind his back.
Of course, it could be that 50,000 memberships to WoldCon were bought 3.7 seconds before the deadline for nominations closed, all of which chose the IPO in the "Best Work That Isn't Really a Novel, But We Had Nowhere Else To Put It So Here You Go" category. Except for the Bob bot. Really, what's the matter with you, Bob bot?
"I know what you're thinking, but we are not bots," insisted Harvey 2-4-C-4-U-2. "I...I...I have parents! And their names are....mom! And dad! And we live in a house...if it's not an apartment...or a tent in a park. And I have a job! Doing...things. And I...I...I...I...I...I...I...I...I...I...I...I – oh, my Gord, I'm a bot, aren't I?"
The incident has left a lot of people – and bots – distressed.
* TANJERINE is an acronym coined by famous science fiction writer Robert A. Heinleinerfishstix. It means: There Ain't No Justice, Equality, Racquetball, or Indentation Near Earth. Fans are divided on what it means.