The Daily Me - Ruby Khan

Thank you, Ruby Khan, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. And, then, we weren't thinking of crossing you, Ruby Khan. Nope. Thought never crossed our mind. Please don't be cross with us...

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The Daily Me Staff

Couple Tried To Cancel The Venue
Unfortunately, The Contract Didn't Contain An "Act Of FIFA" Clause

Los Angeles couple Matt and Maryke were thrilled about their upcoming nuptials. "We're getting hitched, baby, and I couldn't be more stoked!" Matt enthused on his Insta page, punching a wall as Maryke rolled her eyes.

Everything was perfect. The couple had met cute. Neither family was Greek, but they planned to have a big, fat wedding anyway. They had even set aside a couple of tables on the beach for wedding crashers. Then, the ceremony had to be postponed. What happened?

FIFA happened.

The Federation Internationale de Football Association (which is so close to English, you have to wonder why they bothered to name the organization in another language)'s contract with cities that host its matches is extensive, including clauses that limit products sold in stores in the host city to those who have sponsorship contracts with the organization, and that anybody who calls the sport "soccer" rather than "futball" be held in stocks in front of the arena for no less than 24 hours. One clause bans events that would compete with the games, including music concerts, live theatre and, apparently, weddings.

"We knew our wedding would be big," Maryke said, "but we didn't realize it would be interfere with an international sports tournament big. It's a pain, but I'm also kind of proud..."

"We don't even like soccer!" Matt protested.

He can expect a visit from the sports police before the first match.

SOURCE: The Schwartz Sports Report

[http://www.schwartzsportsreport.com/ssr-news.shtml.htm#56418131775]
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Worried Your Wording Was Unfortunate? You're Getting Warmer...

Just when you thought the environmental movement had put the final nail in its coffin, liquified natural gas (LNG) is back, baby! According to Luke Schauerte, the chief executive of Woodfibre LNG, "LNG is so hot right now!"

When it comes to heat, the world is catching up, Luke. The world is catching up.

SOURCE: Earth Worst! Journal

[http://www.earthworstjournal.org/article.php?id=555]
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Unlike High School, When Somebody At This Level Says, "You're Dead To Me," You Should Prepare For A Drone Attack

In an annual report to the Security Council, the United Nations has put Israel on a blacklist of countries suspected of committing sexual violence in conflict zones. And, oh, baby, is the country not happy about it!

In response to the allegations in the report, Israel had an intrnational hissy fit, stamping its little feet and shouting, "Oh, yeah? Well, you're not my friend any more! Here! Have your friendship ring back! I'm deleting you from my friends list and will start ghosting you if you try to call me. So, don't try and call me, okay? Because you're dead to me, now. You hear? You're dead to me!"

Russia was put on the blacklist at the same time. Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin shrugged and said, "So, what else is new?"

SOURCE: The Arad Post

[http://www.apost.com/servlet/Satellite?pagename=APost/APArticle/ShowFull&cid=1198851590226]
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Film Is Hell

1 helluva ride) What will the movie about the United States and Israel's war on Iran be called? a) Strait to Hell
b) Allies in Dire Straits
c) Never Draw to An Inside Strait
d) you think there's only going to be one? All of the above, baby!

 2 bad, so sad, see ya on the other side of the hegemony) What will the movie about the peace settlement between the United States and Iran be called? a) Every Day is TACO Tuesday
b) You Broke it, Your Soldiers Bought It
c) nobody makes movies about peace settlements; blowing up negotiations isn't very cinematic

 SOURCE: Les Pages aux Folles

[http://www.lespagesauxfolles.ca]
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Nothing Says, "I'm Independent" More Than Moving Out Of Your Parents' House To Become The 51st Tenant Of The Building Next Door

Doug Wilson, a prominent American church leader who has ties to the Trump government, has declared his support for Albertan independence. He joins prominent Americans such as Elon Musk and members of the Trump State and Treasury Departments as supporting the Canadian independence movement.

In fact, the only people who seem not to want Alberta independence are a majority of Albertans.

"That will change," Wilson stated. "God willing..."

SOURCE: Festerin' Report

[http://www.ax2grindnet.com/festerinreport/web/feature222222222222-2222222222.html]
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Hegseth: Are You Mocking My Religion? Satirist: No. You Do A Good Job Of It Yourself.

You kind of have to pity Secretary of Defence War Adolescent Male Conflict Porn Masturbation Pete Hegseth: he's a living, breathing Dunning-Kruger Effect on steroids. He's in so far over his head, nobody can figure out why the pressure hasn't reduced him to atoms. (NOTE TO MAGA: That's not a death threat. It's physics.) I mean, when Senator Joseph McCarthy attacked the traitorous press, he didn't need to hide behind the Bible to do it - even he understood the separation of church and state!

Pity may be too strong a term. Feel mild discomfort at one's schadenfreude? Naah - forget the mild discomfort, let's revel in it, baby!

I believe it was the Book of Oppenheimer where it was written: "Lo, and the Maccabees did see the foul Venezuelan vessels that had not the fuel to reach the Promised Land, and they did blow them up lest they infect the nation with drugs they were not carrying. And the Lord, your God looked upon these actions and laughed, and laughed, and laughed, and grudgingly allowed that they were good."

Lord spare us!

SOURCE: Karl's Big Red Web Page of Unreconstructed Marxism

[http://www.bigred.commie/articles/218^.htm]
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That's Antisemitic!
What? It Isn't An Article About Israel And It Doesn't Refer To Any Jews?
It Uses Yiddish Words Out Of Context! Shame On You! Shame, I Say!

Senator Ivan Cepeda, a serious contender for Colombia's presidency, is causing a great feeling of being verklempt among the country's ruling economic class. "He sees the state as a central player in the economy," kvetched Sergio Guzman, director of Colombia Risk Analysis.

Colombia should be more like the United States, a country which spends over a trillion dollars on its military, a substantial amount of which goes to private defence contract...ors - umm, okay, bad example. But it spends billions on its carceral system...including substantial amounts of money for private priso - okay, you know what? When it comes to government intervention in the economy, maybe the US isn't the best example for Colombia to follow...

SOURCE: The Financial Riposte

[http://www.canada.com/national/nationalwhippingpost/financialriposte/story.html?id=49ddccd7-f6f3-4f4f-9f25-a2eb4cctva528]
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