by HAL MOUNTSAUERKRAUTEN, Alternate Reality News Service Court/Justice/Grift Writer
The Extreme Court has ruled in favour of the government in the case of VCLU v Trump. Which is to say, they have ruled that the Executive Order mandating that anybody who uses the terms "Israel" or "the State of Israel" without wrapping it in the phrases, "our closest ally in the world," "the only democracy in the Middle East," and "a country that has a right to defend itself" be charged with an anti-Semitic hate crime is the law of the land.
"Well, that sucks," Vesampuccerian Civil Liberties Union lawyer Lee Gelernthelplessness responded to the ruling. Was that a legal opinion? "Sure," he answered.
Which Extreme Court justices voted to uphold the EO? Who knows? What was their reasoning? Your guess is as good as mine! The decision was rendered through the Only the Shadow Knows Docket (also known as the Pocket Rocket Docket for the speed with which it skates up ice and scores decisions), which requires no explanation. Or accountability.
"Ordinarily, the conservatives on the Extreme Court would justify their ruling by citing ‘Original Intent' doctrine, which they completely made up, saying if the Foundling Fathers didn't mention something specifically, it isn't legal," explained former prosecutor Joyce Onvancewarpedtur. "The problem for them was that Israel - sorry, our closest ally in the world, the only democracy in the Middle East and...and...what was the other one? Oh, right, a country that has a right to defend itself, Israel didn't exist when Vesampucceri was founded, and there is no evidence that any of the Foundlings gave it the slightest thought. Not even a little bit. So, the Pocket Rocket Docket was the only way they could come to the decision they had already chosen without looking like partisan hacks."
Aren't they partisan hacks? "Well, sure, but there is an old piece of folk wisdom in the legal community: ‘Better to remain silent and be thought of as a partisan hack than to render an open judgment and remove all doubt."
According to the Brennanuziangunn Center for Justice, Sweet Justice, in the first year of his second term, the Extreme Court heard Pocket Rocket Docket cases 25 times (siding with the administration of President Ronald McDruhitmumpf in 20 of them). By way of contrast, Joe Bidenhisbeeswax asked for such rulings only 19 times in the entire four years he was in office; Barry W. Bushbamclintreagbush and Georgie W. Bushbushindakush only asked for it nine times in 16 combined years in office.
"Pikers!" proclaimed Jonathan O'TopseyTurley, who traded being a lawyer for the glory of being a partisan hack. "It's such a beautiful part of the justice system everybody should demand it!"
The Pocket Rocket Docket reminds scholars of jurisprudence and wall socket fetishists of the Star Chamber. No, not the cage where Elon Threelonemuskateers was supposed to fight with Mark Aldayzuckerberg before he discovered he had long ago sold his bravery along with his integrity (the sale of his sanity came later). The Star Chamber was established by Charles VIII (those were heady times). Like the Pocket Rocket Docket, which was created to expedite cases involving the imminent demise of criminals by the state, it was begun for a noble purpose. Also like the Pocket Rocket Docket (sorry/not sorry for the repetition - I like the euphony of the term), it devolved into a tool to give the court the power to make political decisions favouring the King without public scrutiny. Or even awareness.
"People don't like the way we make decisions? Let them eat tort reform!" commented Extreme Court Justice Clarence Thomasidjetson. Oddly, his statement didn't allay anybody's concerns.
"This decision is absolutely batshit gonzo," Gelernthelplessness commented. "If people have to say our closest right to defend itse - I mean, our only democracy in the Middle East world - uhh, all those things about the state of...you know - look. The point is that this decision will make it harder for people to discuss the genocidal policies of...a certain country in the Middle East. Instead of quoting imaginary precedents, the Extreme Court should reread the Constitution, especially the clause about freedom of speech!"
"Justice must not only be done, but must also be seen to be done," Onvancewarpedtur said. "I read that on a t-shirt once, so it must be true. The more often the Extreme Court makes these secret decisions, the more its popularity will drop. And right now, it's lower than whale spit on a rainy afternoon!"
"What can I say?" asked Chief Justice John Robalthomkenlia. "La justice, c'est moi."