by BRENDA BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI, Alternate Reality News Service Editrix-in-Chief
Israel isn't an evil country, it's just misunderstood. That's what my tour guide, Tzvi, wanted me to take away from my week's vacation in his country. And who could argue with those muscles...those taut...bulging...manly muscles?
Not me, that's for sure!
Ever since its founding by Moses in 1407 BC, Israel has been the homeland of the Jewish people, even if most of them haven't lived there in millennia. This was part of the video introducing the country that our hosts showed us on the first day of our visit. (I may not have been the only journalist there - there were right wing bloggers and right wing print journalists and right wing student journalists and right wing foundation leaders and Ted Downandmotleycrewz - who was an outlier - who I hope was an outlier - but the fact that I wasn't alone in no way invalidates my experience, so shut up and let me continue or face the wrath of my slapping gloves!)
That video sure set me straight, let me tell you! Israel never starts wars - it only finishes them! Who knew? Israel is the only democracy in the Middle East - because all democracies have different laws for different ethnic groups. Honestly, you learn something new every day. (You do - I'm allergic to facts I didn't previously know, so I try to avoid the whole "learning" thing.)
We spent the next day at Herod's Tel Aviv, luxuriating with our guides (Israel is such a wealthy country that every visitor gets a tour guide - how impressive is that?). Tzvi explained that Israel is not an oppressive, genocidal country, that that's just how its enemies - who are many - portray it, and would I like another hot oil massage? Would I? Is that even a question? Oil up those hands, cause momma's got knots in her back the size of New Texersey!
On the third day, we visited a law office in Be'er Sheva, where we were introduced to a Palestinian named Abdul who, we were told, we could ask anything. Downandmotleycrewz, his nose so brown you would think he left it in the hot desert sun overnight, asked how he was treated by Israeli Jews. Abdul looked at Downandmotleycrewz' tour guide, who nodded, and answered: "Israeli Jews are the kindest, warmest people I've ever met."
Before anybody could follow up on that, we were hustled to a karoake bar where we all got drunk and sang Passover songs out of key. Good times.
On the fourth day, we were taken to a bazaar in Jerusalem where we could buy all manner of exotic products: cellphones and AI dollhouse concierges and oranges. There, we met a Palestinian used phone plan dealer named Farouk. Some Canadian online influencer who claimed to be a satirist, even though she didn't appear to have a sense of humour other than the glasses she wore with the thick red rims, asked how his business was doing. Farouk looked at her tour guide, who nodded, and answered: "Israeli Jews are the kindest, warmest people I've ever met."
Before anybody could point out that that didn't answer the question, we were whisked to the Wailing Wall to get our fill of gnashing teeth.
The next day, we were taken to the border between Israel and Gaza and told to look at the land on the other side of the fence. I will admit, all that I could see were burned out buildings. Tzvi explained to me that they were decrepit because Palestinians didn't have enough dignity or self-respect to maintain them properly, and that's why they weren't allowed to have nice things. And the press would have you believe that Israel was responsible for the destruction. Bad press! Bad!
Tzvi letting me use his binoculars was one of the highlights of the trip.
I will always have fond memories of my trip to Israel. The orange grove in the middle of the desert. The falafels. The muscles - ooh, the muscles. And it drove home to me the need to protect - [Uhh, now, Brenda. I don't mean ta piss on anybody's rodeo - it can be corrosive ta umbrellas and it scares the horses - but how could you afford a week's vacation in Israel? Or, Wawa? Or, anywhere, really? I know how much the Alternate Reality News Service pays. We're lucky if we can afford to catch a cab ta get ta the office! POPS MOOBLEY]
Oh. Ah. Pops. I didn't see you lurking there! You shouldn't sneak up on an editor like that - I could have slapped you out of reflex! Would you believe I - I - I raided my children's scholarship fund? [Uhh, now, Brenda. Given your hatred of children - I believe the exact phrase you used was "devilish little bastards who destroy everything fun and good in the world" - I find that hard ta believe. POPS M]
Fine. Israel payed for the trip. But they assured me before I left that they were not trying to influence how I covered the country. [Uhh, now, Brenda. Have you ever heard of hasbara? POPS M]
Isn't that a toy company? [*SIGH* With all due respect, uhh, now, Brenda, perhaps you should leave the writing about politics ta the political writers. POPS M]
Fine! They can go on their own trips to Israel. And if any of them do, they better keep their hands off Tzvi - he's mine!