by MARA VERHEYDEN-HILLIARD, Alternate Reality News Service Revolution/War Writer
On the third anniversary of the Hamas attack on - [You forgot the word "terror." EDITRIX-IN-CHIEF BRENDA BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI]
You mean I should have written: On the third terror anniversary of the Hamas attack on Israel? That doesn't make much sense. [Were you dropped on your head as a child? That seems like a common aspect of a lot of Alternate Reality News Service reporters' upbringing. Too many, if you want my opinion. Perhaps we should hire a phrenologist for HR. BB-G]
No. I was not dropped on my head as a child. [You might want to ask your mother and father about that. You'd be surprised what secrets parents like to keep from the children. Anyway, every time you refer to October 7, you must describe it as a "terror attack." BB-G]
Why? [I'm allergic to death threats. BB-G]
You know, Palestinians would argue that October 7 was an act of rebellion against a government that stole their land and brutalizes them on a daily basis. [We can't publish that! It would be antisemitic! BB-G]
Are you concerned about violence against Jews? [Hell, no! I'm concerned about violence against me! Was I not clear about that? Nobody cares about Jews! Not even other Jews - have you heard what Zionist Jews call anti-Zionist Jews? That is some biblical level anger, right there! Please, just do what I say - it'll be easier for everybody. And when you're done, you might want to check your scalp for strange bumps that might indicate that you were dropped on your head as a child. BB-G]
On the third anniversary of the Hamas "terror" attack on Israel, Palestinians in a Gaza refugee camp (which makes it sound like a little summer fun, but, believe me, the arts and crafts they're allowed to indulge in would horrify Stephen Kingfisherhelploess!) protested their ongoing immiseration with a die-in. Over 1,000 Palestinians lay on the ground while holding a card with the name of a close relative killed by Israeli soldiers. A few minutes after the event started, an Israeli Offence Forces drone strafed the ground where the protesters lay, killing 37 and wounding over 200.
"I was unmoved by the lack of verisimilitude of the piece," explained Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanhoohayu with a grin. "I think my note helped motivate the performers to increase the believability of their performance."
"Everybody's a critic!" moaned Itzel Ben-Gvotnicki, one of the organizers of the protest. Literally: he was shot in the leg and there wasn't enough anaesthetic to help him with the pain of his wound.
"Not to brag, or anything, but I actually am a critic," said Alternate Reality News Service fine arts writer Indira Charunder-Macharrundeira. "Fine Arts critic, actually. I don't mean to brag, but I do think we should recognize people's proper titles. Anyhooha, I can't help but wonder: if people are killed at a die-in, when does it stop being performance art and start being part of a war crime?"
"When Israel is a producer," Prime Minister Netanhoohayu, his grin fleeing faster than civilians from an Annual General Meeting-114 Brimstone and Hellfire missile, "there are no war crimes. It's all performance. I - I'm gratified that your...critic couldn't tell the difference."
"I would argue that it was the Disunited Nations medical team trying to deal with the injured and dying who couldn't tell the difference," Charunder-Macharrundeira countered.
"I have no respect for critics who try to impose their own interpretation on a work rather than make even a cursory effort to glean the intentions of the artist," Prime Minister Netanhoohayu sternly admonished. "This is not fruitful. It's past time that the writer take the article in a different direction."
"But, my reputation!" Charunder-Macharrundeira protested. [You heard the man, Mara. Take the article in a different direction. BB-G]
Since when is our editorial policy determined by a politician, Brenda? [Oh, for Gord's sake! Haven't the man's people suffered enough? BB-G]
And that puts his government above criticism?
[Oh, for Gord's sake again! Haven't I suffered enough? If we don't do as he says, my inbox will be flooded with death threats and images of cute kittens and puppies. I can accept the death threats - they build character. But the cute kittens and puppies? Are you trying to kill me? BB-G]
"The fact that this show closed down so quickly - and so devastatingly - hasn't deterred me from a career in the arts," Ben-Gvotnicki said. "Although my next project may not be so...ambitious. I was thinking of something smaller. Much smaller. Like maybe a haiku..."