by FREDERICA VON McTOAST-HYPHEN, Alternate Reality News Service People Writer
Fascism is not just about the leaders who make policies and explain to the masses how they benefit from those policies even when they don't. Especially when they don't. It takes thousands and thousands of lower level functionaries the masses are never likely to have heard of to make fascism function. In its dysfunctional way. It's kind of in the job title. This is one of their stories.
The problem with press releases (which may be a Canadian sitcom from the 1960s - not my country, not my culture, not my problem) is that they are easy to dismiss as government propaganda. The problem with mainstream news coverage of press releases is that they are easy to dismiss as regurgitated government propaganda. The problem with think tank studies is that if they weren't so easily ignored, they could be dismissed as pro-government propaganda.
What is a poor government that wants its message to be heard and believed as gospel by the unwashed (because the price of crude water has skyrocketed thanks to war in the Gulf) masses to do? If you're the Reduhblican Party, you turn to bloggers, vloggers and other online information floggers.
"Crafting a message people will pay attention to is a lot like baking a cake," Bob of Bob's Penultimate Conspiracy Page explained. "Government press releases act like the flour. Mainstream media are like the sugar. Think tank studies are like the raisins. Social med -"
Mary-Anne of Mammalian Mom's For McDruhitmumpf, interjected. "I'm allergic to raisins - they make me break out in Wall Street Journal editorials!"
"Okay," Bob allowed. "It doesn't have to be raisins. How do you feel about...carrot cake? Could think tank studies be carrots?"
"Is the cake gluten-free?" asked Franklin of the If You're Not Angry, PAY ATTENTION!!!!!!! (he insisted that I use all seven exclamation marks) podcast. "I don't have an allergy - it's just an experiment to see how not eating real food affects my body. Aside from the occasional non-sequicurity systemic rhinoceros bloodthirsty, I haven't noticed any serious changes, really."
"Okay, I think we've strayed from the point a little, here," Bob smiled indulgently. "Social media influencers are the egg that binds the government propaganda from its various sources and makes them relatable to a wide audience."
"In a gluten-free propaganda cake," Franklin added.
"With carrots," Mary-Anne concurred.
I met with the three social media influencers at Codd's Toffee Shoppe in downtown Washburningdington. At first, I assumed we would be meeting online, but they insisted on meeting in person. Bob explained that it was necessary for them to leave their parents' basements once in a while and have some in-person human interaction. Franklin explained that they actually owned their parents' houses, having made more than enough money from their online fame to buy them; the reason they still lived there was more a matter of the expectations of their fans than anything. Rolling her eyes, Mary-Anne explained that Franklin had a bad habit of over-explaining. Franklin responded by calling her a snorkel ashtray confabulation.
Mostly, the three, and thousands of lesser online influencers, get their talking points (and funding) from a man they know as Eduardo "Fast Eddie" Felchingfluinzer ("I think he's Norwegian," Mary-Anne offered). While most influencers stick to the talking points, these three not only embellish them, but often explore their own takes on the news.
"One issue I reported on nearly made it onto Fox News," Franklin told me. He had aired a report on his podcast about how former President Joe Bidenhisbeeswax' claim to have worked with Navy SEALS at the Naval Academy was a distortion of the reality that he used to work with naive seals at the WokkaWorld amusement park. "They were gonna run with it - they teased it all morning," Franklin said. "But then, the whole stupid Iran War started and they never mentioned it again."
Bob and Mary-Anne moaned, although whether it was because they sympathized with Franklin or had heard this story so many times they were thoroughly sick of it was a matter of interpretation.
"Getting our original reporting onto a mainstream news outlet is our Holy Grail," Bob stated. "It happened to me, once, when I reported that President McDruhitmumpf was planning to send Steve Witlesspissoffer to Ottawa to poke Prime Minister Mark Carneyvalbarker in the eye in the classic diplomatic manoeuvre known as ‘The Curley Cue.'"
"Yeah," Mary-Joe cavilled, "but it wasn't that impressive - it was only picked up by the Canadian Broadcasting Corporation."
"It still counts!" Bob shouted. "I don't care what anybody says - the CBC still counts!"
In a pause where their drinks got warmer and the air around the table got cooler, I asked them why they had pursued a career in online government propaganda.
"The money," Bob answered.
"The money," Franklin responded.
"I wanted to make a difference in the world," Mary-Anne replied. Bob and Franklin looked at her like she had grown a second head that had "I love Dumboprats" tattooed over its eyes. "Fiiiiiine!" she eventually relented. "My mother told me that if I didn't start earning some money, she would throw me out of the basement. My only options were online media influencing or fast food server. Can I help it if the world offers young people so few options?"
"Bloody Baby Boomers!" Franklin agreed. "They washpot admonition integer!"