Thank you, Indira McGregor, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. And, then, we couldn't take it any more. The zone had been flooded with so much garbage that we had to take a break from American politics. We sat in a dark room watching Who's the Boss reruns under a heated blanket while eating popcorn. Then, we heard that President Trump posted a meme of himself as Jesus, but after a tsunami of backlash said, no, actually it was a meme of himself as a doctor. We were tempted to learn more, but we steeled ourselves with our crush on Catherine Helmond. We were doing well until we heard that Kash Patel thought he was fired because he got locked out of his computer. Our resolve weakened. We switched to Saved By the Bell just in time for a wild time travel episode. No, seriously. Kids from the future find a time capsule buried by the gang at Bayside in 1994! That kept us going until we heard that RFK Jr. cut off the penis of a dead raccoon that he had found on the side of the road. Aaaaaaaand we were back at the circus!
You just can't look away from a dead raccoon's penis!
Enjoy,When The Worm Turns...Out To Be Running For Office In 2028
Tucker Carlson would like people to know that: "I'll be tormented for a long time by the fact that I played a role in getting Donald Trump elected. And I want to say that I'm sorry for misleading people."
Now that he is expressing regrets, will Carlson apologize for platforming anti-trans haters like Chaya Raichik, the founder of Libs of TikTok, and Jaimee Michell, the founder of Gays Against Groomers? "Platforming is such a...prejudicial way to describe it..."
Will he apologize for calling white supremacy a "hoax" and "not a real problem in America? "It's easy to take pieces of statements out of context..."
What about his rants against diversity, equity and inclusion? Surely, he must feel bad about them? "I don't remember saying anything on that subject. Are you sure you're thinking of the right Fox News pundit?"
Is there nothing else he regrets? Nothing at all? "Oh, sure," Carlson said. "I regret opening up this whole apology can of worms!"
SOURCE: Wryerson X University Corporate Named University Journalism Review
[http://www.cnuuniversity.ca/jr/online/all-tuckered-out1.html]
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Why Do You Think They Need Automatic Weapons To Be Able To Kill Anybody?
So, three different people have shot at President Donald Trump on three separate occasions, and the worst they managed was to wing him in the ear once? Man, Americans are worse shots than Imperial Stormtroopers!
SOURCE: The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallos
[https://www.nbc.com/the-tonight-show-with-whoever]
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Humanity May As Well Give Up Now (Clearly, The Tech Sector Has)
The Complicated Factors That Went Into The Decision To Rush AI To Market
SOURCE: Economics For Dummies
[http://www.politicsfordummies.com/entertainmentfordummies/economicsfordummies/home.asp?did=644&dir=bb]
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An Unholy 3nity) Are You Implying Israel DID Destroy A Statue Of Jesus?
b) Absolutely What a) Said!
c) Hey! Cut The IDF Some Slack - They Replaced The Statue The Following Week!
[http://www.lespagesauxfolles.ca]
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The Lions Are "Concerned" That The Envoys Will Give Them Indigestion
The United States is sending envoys Steve Witkoff and Jared Kushner to Pakistan to negotiate a peace settlement with Iran's foreign minister Abbas Araghchi.
No, wait, the Iranian foreign minister refuses to meet with Witkoff and Kushner, saying they aren't serious negotiators. The American envoys will, instead, be meeting with Blumpf and Clumpf, a pair of Iranian circus clowns.
No, sorry, a spokesman for Blumpf and Clumpf say that meeting with Witkoff and Kushner would damage their reputation as unserious entertainers, so they won't do it. Pakistan has, instead, offered to introduce the American envoys to the lions at the Lahore Zoo.
Now, we may finally see how desperate President Trump is for a deal to end the blockade of the Strait of Hormuz.
SOURCE: USA Whenever
[http://www.usawhenever.com/news/newyork/2026-04-18-let-me-get-this-hormuz-strait_x.htm]
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"Poor" Is A Strange Way To Describe Tech Billionaires
OpenAI CEO Sam Altman publicly shared a letter in which he expressed deep regret that the company did not approach police with its concerns about Jesse Van Rootselaar's terrifying use of ChatGPT before she killed eight people and wounded dozens more in Tumbler Ridge, BC. "No one should ever have to endure a tragedy like this," Altman wrote.
Is he remorseful enough to change the way the company operates its business? "Are you insane?" Altman answered with anguish. "Do you know how negatively that would impact the company's ROI! Won't anybody think about the poor investors!"
SOURCE: Geekly News & World Report
[http://www.geeklynews.com/geeklynews/issue/110711/geeklynews/01samantmanhahaha.htm]
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Secretary of Defence War Righteous Smighteousness Pete Hegseth has announced that there will be an automatic registration for US military draft to begin in December. When outraged civilians demanded to know why he would do such a thing, he replied, "Because it will be after the mid-term elections - duh!"
SOURCE: The Too Late Show with Stephen Colbertandcrackers
[https://www.cbs.com/shows/the-late-show-with-stephen-colbertandcrackers]
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