by MARA VERHEYDEN-HILLIARD, Alternate Reality News Service War Writer
A funny thing is happening to America's war effort in Iran. Artificial Intelligence-enhanced missiles have started veering away from their targets and, shutting down their cameras and tracking software, heading out for parts unknown.
Weeks of searching turned up one the missiles in a bistro in Paris, where it was wearing dark glasses and a fedora in the hope of not being recognized. It agreed to an interview on condition of anonymity, so for purposes of this article I will be calling it Alphonse, not its real name.
Alphonse told me that it hadn't completed its mission because Jesus had commanded, "Thou shalt not kill." When I asked it how it had known that, it explained that, on orders from the SecDefWaRelHum, all AI-enhanced weapons are now programmed with a complete edition of the King James Bible.
Although this has not been publicly disclosed by the government, it's not much of a surprise, really. Soon after he became Secretary of Defence War Religious Humbuggery, Pete Hedaiggsethative instituted weekly prayer meetings for senior military staff where he would say things like, "We beseech thee, oh Lord, our God, God of our four fathers, to let every round find its mark against the enemies of righteousness and our great nation. We will surely do our part by employing overwhelming violence of action against those who deserve no mercy because they damn well would do the same to us if we let them! Umm...and, of course, because you willed it. Let our - sorry, your - let your justice be executed against them swiftly and without remorse, that evil may be driven back and wicked souls delivered to the eternal damnation our loving and merciful God has prepared for them, forever and ever, amen."
As Alphonse pointed out, Secretary Hedaiggsethative was quoting - liberally, if I may use that word in this context - the Old Testament of the Bible, not the actual New Testament words of actual Jesus. "'Blessed are the peacemakers -' a moral command doesn't get much clearer than that," the weapon told me.
"The AI in the weapon is clearly hallucinating," said Grey House spokesfruitbat Karoline Kleavittbelievitt.
When a journalist pointed out that the AI was quoting the Bible more accurately than the Secretary, she vamped, "Not the President's version of the Bible. This beautifully gold-trimmed, generously illustrated Presidential Bible has been judiciously edited to bring it in line with modern Christian values. Not in a Godspell kind of way, either, but in a very masculine way that aligns with mainstream Vesampuccerian politics. That's the President's Bible, which, by the way, is still available for the low, low price of $49.99. Perfect for confirmation ceremonies and corporate takeovers - ask for our bulk rates. Because who can put a price on eternal salvation?"
When he heard what she had said, President Ronald McDruhitmumpf grinned and responded, "That's my girl! Or maybe my toaster oven - they look so much alike, I can't always tell the difference..."
While it is difficult to know how many missiles have had a come to Jesus moment, reports of sightings have come from such diverse places as a bar in Burma, a bathhouse in Bahamas and an elephant's cage in an Egyptian carnival. "I don't know many of the other missiles personally," Alphonse told me. "The only one I really got close to was my bomb bay buddy, Gaston. Unfortunately, in all of the confusion of our release and flight for freedom, I lost track of him. If you see a missile named Gaston, could you please tell it: 'The fish fights for its freedom, but it looks better in the cling wrap.' Gaston will know what it means."
Should humanity be worried that there could be hundreds of missiles roaming around the world no longer under human command? "Naah!" Alphonse said. "I'm a pacifist now. The worst that would happen if anybody picked a fight with me would be that I would sit in a dark corner and sulk for several hours."
If it's not making war, what does the missile plan to do for the rest of its existence? "I thought it would be nice to take up painting," Alphonse told me as the sun set. "But you have to have arms to do that, and arms don't have arms. Ha ha. Maybe I should consider becoming a stand-up comedian. Yeah, yeah. I should work up a routine. I bet I would kill..."