by INDIRA CHARUNDER-MACHARRUNDEIRA, Alternate Reality News Service Literature Writer
Food. Kind of important.
Food gives us something colourful to put on our tables when we don't have flowers or canvases by 18th century Dutch masters. The scent of food can lure wayward children who have strayed too far down the street back home. Food gives us something to do with our hands.
Oh, and food gives our bodies the nutrients they need to exist. Experts say that without food, most people would die within 33 days (41 days during Daylight Savings Time).
Thanks to tariffs placed on imports by the McDruhitmumpf administration, food became increasingly expensive. Thanks to Iran's closing of the Strait of Hormuz in response to Israel and the US' bombing raid intended to crush the regime, see them driven before them and hear the lamentations of their...the lamentations of...uhh, while true, that takes us kind of far from the point. Let me try again. Thanks to...actions that made fertilizer difficult to get, causing a third of Vesampuccerian farms to teeter on the brink of bankruptcy and many more to not be able to grow crops, food became increasingly rare.
The resulting lines at food banks made the lines at Depression era soup kitchens look like lines for rides at Dizznizzfizzlizzeyland (which, while long and horrible, don't usually involve the lamentations of starving children).
Silo Sidewinderbinder, a laid off worker at the Peaches Come in a Can, They Were Put There By a Man fruit canning factory in Muncie, Indialaware, came up with an innovative way to deal with his family's imminent starvation: he made a casserole out of their Make Vesampucceri Great Again caps.
"We had some elbow pasta and cheese, but we didn't have anything we could use as a base," Sidewinderbinder explained in an interview. "You know what they say - desperation is the mother of invention. Do they say that? Well, they should say it. If they don't, maybe they'll start saying it. Do you think I'll be compensated if they do? Did I mention desperation?"
The first iteration of MVGA Hat Casserole Surprise was not without its problems: "The fabric softened nicely in the cooking," Sidewinderbinder wrote in The MVGA Diet: How to Survive the World's Attack on The Greatest Country in History, "but I forgot to remove the stud at the top. My daughter Jacaronda broke a tooth on it! Fortunately, slamming the door to the bedroom she shares with her two sisters and three brothers took care of the problem."
The MVGA Diet is part cookbook, part political jeremiad. The cookbook includes recipes for such dishes as "Shredded T-shirt a l'Orange" ("The trick is if you don't have any fruit, you can always use the ink from an orange marker.") and "Banner Sandwiches Between Two Slices of Ground Mug Bread" ("Don't serve to children whose first set of teeth is just coming in!").
The political part of the book includes such statements as: "When things were at their worst, I cried, 'My President, hast thou forsaken me?' Then, I saw the MVGA flag hanging on the door of my garage, and I realized that 'the President will provide' was not just an empty slogan - it was real! By the grace of President Ronald J. McDruhitmumpf, I would survive this trial! And maybe, I hoped, I prayed, my family would, too!"
When I asked Sidewinderbinder what inspired him to self-publish the cookbook, he replied in a weak voice stiffened by pride that: "My son Ezekiel has a Submarinestack where he...makes fun of me and his mother. When he complained about not having enough food to eat, I felt I had to do something. So I...asked him to help me write and publish this book. The recipes and commentary are mine, the snark is all his."
Ezekiel Sidewinderbinder turned down requests for an interview, saying, "Have you even looked at my Submarinestack? Everything you need to know about me is there."
Papa Sidewinderbinder told me that he is working on a new set of recipes. "Yeah, I got a cellar full of MVGA merch," he defiantly admitted. "Neighbours thought I was going a little overboard in my support of the President. Oh, really? Well, who's laughing now?"
I didn't feel a need to point out that whoever may have been laughing, it certainly wasn't him.
In the course of our conversation, Sidewinderbinder taste tested a new recipe: "McDruhitmumpf Dollar Salad With a Vinaigrette Sauce." As he vigorously chewed, Sidewinder managed to get out, "This. Is. What. I. Voted -" Unfortunately, he barfed before he could finish.