by HAL MOUNTSAUERKRAUTEN, Alternate Reality News Service Grift Writer
The stock market doesn't care about most people's opinion. It can be very presidential that way.
If I said the Vesampuccerian dollar was overvalued compared to other major world currencies, the stock market would yawn and look at its watch in a universal gesture of "how soon can I get to something I actually care about?" If my accountant, Sammy "Whack a Facial Mole" Gefiltefischrapp said he thought gold was overvalued, the stock market wouldn't take its eyes off its phone, where it would be watching a stream of old Price is Right episodes. If Josephine the barberess (barbarette? Barbarella?) down the street complained that interest rates were too high, the New Yoricknuhemwell Stock Exchange would look at the futures, NASDAQ and other markets and ask, "Did any of you just hear an annoying buzzing sound?"
But when the president of the United States talks, the stock market pricks up its ears, nose twitching, head darting this way and that, not unlike a rabbit concerned about an unwanted guest at a tea party. But where most presidents see danger, President Ronald McDruhitmumpf sees opportunity. For a grift.
This is how it works: one day, out of the blue (he may have a neon sculpture of a dollar bill installed in his ass), President McDruhitmumpf says, "You know what? I had a terrific bowel movement last night, one of the greatest the world has ever seen - some say it was perfect. So, this morning, I decided to put a tariff of infinity on all goods from China. Not only will this allow us to immediately pay off the national debt, but it will make it so that we can afford to run the United States government forever! I'm so good to you - you're gonna love what comes next!"
The stock market doesn't believe it was going to love what comes next: it plunges a thousand points, clutching at its chest and shouting, "This is the big one, Elizabeth! I can feel it for real this time! I'm coming to join you! Wait for me, Elizabeth! I'm coming to join you!"
A week later, President McDruhitmumpf announces: "You know what? I had a great meeting with President Sad Eyes Xi of China - a big country, China. A lot of people. You could say they got a whole lotta people going on. That's a large number of bowel movements. Some of them could be almost as good as mine - not quite as good, but close. I'm thinking it's not fair to tariff the goods of people with such good bowel movements, so I'm reducing the tariffs on Chinese goods to half of infinity. I can be very magnanimous that way."
Breathing heaving sighs of relief at the news, the stock market gains back most of what it lost. Huzzah!
Now, if you knew that you were going to make a public announcement that would substantially move the market as much as the President's bowels, you could profit from it. You could take a short position (basically, a bet that a stock will go down, not a reference to part of your sex life) in stocks from...since this is an imaginary exercise, lets say...Schlebal...vania before you made the announcement of the imposition of tariffs on all the goods coming from the country. Then, when it looked like the stocks had gone about as low as they could go, you would buy them back a day before announcing, oops, sorry, it was wrong to put tariffs on all goods from...Schlebalvania, so I'm gonna wave my magic tariff wand and they will all disappear.
You cash in when stocks go up. You cash in when stocks go down. It's a good life.
Of course, President McDruhitmumpf doesn't just levy tariffs on China. To date, he has announced tariffs on 124 different countries, Including Canada, Mexico and...Schlebalvania? Really? But it was a fictional - harrumph. Okay. Not important. Some countries have tariffs levied on them multiple times. He has done this enough times to be the subject of a phenomenon economists call "The Yoyo Grift." Nobody knows why. Some speculate that it has something to do with the wife of rock star John Lennohoyokon. Others believe that it's the modern equivalent of the ancient hip hop phrase of greeting or method of getting attention. Still others think it's a corrupted reference to frozen yogurt, which is often part of the basket of foods used to determine the Consumer Price Index.
Nothing in economics is ever certain.